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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"
Cruel Jokes

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Slagar the Cruel: Coast to Coast
Episode 5: Eulalia

SLAGAR: [Walking to his desk.] Greetings, my lowly audience, and welcome once again to Slagar the Cruel: Coast to Coast! Say, is it just me, or can you just feel the all-consuming antipathy on this set tonight?

THREECLAWS: It... it's just you, chief?

SLAGAR: I suppose. [Pauses.] Wait, why is the band not playing me to the desk?

VITCH: I think they're still out promotin' their first album. They left a memo last week, remember?

SLAGAR: I think you're still out of a job, Vitch. You left the show two episodes ago, remember?

VITCH: [Sighs.] For the last time, sir, the whole "Abbot Crombie and Vitch" clothing line didn't pan out so well, so I came back, and you re-hired me durin' the last episode.

SLAGAR: Oh, right! The last episode. [Speaking as though in a trance] THE ONE IN WHICH UBLAZ MADEYES WAS NOT A GUEST AND EVERYBODY WASN'T BRAINWASHED INTO FORGETTING WHAT HAPPENED. [Shaking his head] Sorry, I don't know why that keeps slipping my mind.

VITCH: Er... right.

SLAGAR: [Taking a seat] You know what, folks? I don't really care that the Roaringburn Four have skipped out today. And do you know why?

THREECLAWS: 'Cause it gives ye one more reason t' fire 'em later, chief?

SLAGAR: Uh, yeah, I guess that's a valid answer, but...

GARTAR: bcuz there musci s teh sux0rz?

SLAGAR: I'll accept that, but it's not really what I...

VITCH: Is it because today's episode will mostly be made up of pre-recorded footage, so they would barely even be needed anyways?

SLAGAR: NO! Wait, yes, that's correct, point goes to Vitch. But it was a rhetorical question to begin with, and I was planning on delivering the answer myself. [Turning to the audience.] As you might have heard, the focus of today's episode is badgerlords. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get any badgerlords to appear in the studio tonight. Do you know why that is?

VITCH: Because all the badgerlords hate you?

THREECLAWS: 'Cause they could beat you to a pulp and yer security guards couldn't do anythin' about it?

HALFCHOP: Kachunk?

GARTAR: beecos bagerlords are teh succ?? LOL

SLAGAR: Be quiet, all of you! I was just going to follow that up with "you'll all find out in the following very special filmed exposť/documentary/series-of-interviews on the nature of badgerlords." And, well... I did. So, here it is!

[The audience directs their attention to the screen on the wall of the studio, upon which a clip begins to play.]

[The exposť opens with just a black screen, accompanied with the narration of Slagar's voice.]

SLAGAR (Narration): Bloodwrath. Bloodthirsty. Blood-splattered. Bloody rotters. These are all phrases commonly identified with the beings known as badgerlords. But is there more to badgerlord problem than what first meets the eye? Is their some deep-seated dementia behind their innate association with violence and the spilling of their enemy's bodily fluids? This is the question that I, Slagar the Cruel, set out to answer...

[The title appears on the screen - BADERLORDS: Behind the Blood: The Exposť: Part 1 of 2: The Reckoning]

SLAGAR (Narration): At first, I planned to investigate these matters in the confines of a normal episode of Slagar the Cruel: Coast to Coast... but before I could even begin, things turned foul.

[The blank screen fades to footage of an office, in which Slagar stands before the desk of a suit-wearing hare.]

HARE: I'm afraid, Mr. Slagar, that the Union of Deceased Badgerlords unanimously denies your request.

SLAGAR: So none of the badgerlords are willing to appear on my show...? [Rolling his eyes.] Let me guess, this is all because I'm a notorious vermin with a record of killing and enslaving the weak, including the kin of a particular badgerlord? Hmph! How shallow of them.

HARE: There's more to the "no-Slagar" policy of the UoDBL than your insidious history. I mean, that's a huge part of it, obviously. But, well... do you know how your show often puts a satirical spin on the guests you interview?

SLAGAR: Are you saying that the badgerlord, conceptually speaking, isn't already cut out for such treatment?

HARE: That's just the problem, Slagar - it's been done. Badgers have already been the target of a nearly endless number of jabs, ribbings, and whatnot. Haven't you ever heard of that whole Superstripe the Unrealistic parody series?! It's kind of hit-and-miss, I don't really recommend it. The point is that badgers have just gotten sick of being comically linked with an overpowered, frothing caricature of themselves. [Goes back to collating the stack of papers on his desk.]

SLAGAR (Narration): My hopes were dashed! Pages of material I had written beforehand seemed to be wasted. Honestly, though, the hare had a point. You can only make generic cracks about how violent and unfair badgers are before the whole thing gets stale.

HARE: Why do you have a camera in here, anyways?

SLAGAR: I'm... taping my video memoirs.

SLAGAR (Narration): I realized I would have to do something different, something truly fresh. Unfortunately, the fifth episode of Slagar the Cruel: Coast to Coast was already called "Eulalia", so I couldn't just arbitrarily pick another theme for the show. Still, I recognized that if I wished to truly undermine the reputation of badgers rather than simply recycling some old jokes, I would have to explore what's really behind the badgerlord... in disguise.

[Footage of the office taken a day later is displayed. Slagar walks in wearing different clothes and a moon-and-star-speckled cape.]

SLAGAR: Hey, I'm Stellar Lunaris! I was wondering if I could-

HARE: Go away, Slagar.

SLAGAR (Narration): More subterfuge was called for, apparently. That's when I thought back to an encounter with a staff member of my show, which took place a few days prior...

[The footage switches to a Roaringburn Four practice session in the empty Dark Forest studios. Slagar approaches Clecky.]

CLECKY: Hello there, rotface!

SLAGAR: Shove a carrot in it, hare. Anyways, I was just wondering about something. If you lost one of your ears many seasons before your death, as I've been told you did, why do you retain both of them in the Dark Forest? I mean, my own... disfigurement... was left quite intact.

TREEROSE: You don't know...? It's for the same reason that nobeast retains their death wounds if they died in battle, and why somebeast who died of old age - myself, for example - looks as ravishing as they did in their prime. Appearance after death is just a reflection of your personal self-image.

SLAGAR: Hmm... so if one concentrated hard enough upon altering their own self-image, they would be able to change their own appearance?

TREEROSE: I guess...? I don't know, I've never seen anyone try. I doubt anyone could keep their self-image out-of-focus for very long.

ROOP: Whoi're 'ee camrahs on durin' yon strurch betwixt episodes, hurr?

SLAGAR: I'm... recording the contents of the studio for insurance purposes?

SLAGAR (Narration): I'm sure you can imagine already how useful this information proved to me. After hours of meditation, I found it possible to alter my state of mind - and, in turn, my own appearance! I assumed the ultimate disguise...

[The footage switches back to the inside of the office, where a different-looking fox, not wearing a mask, is speaking to the hare.]

DIFFERENT-LOOKING FOX: May I, a non-notorious fox who is NOT Slagar in disguise, recieve permission to invite badgerlords to appear on my show that is NOT Slagar the Cruel: Coast to Coast?

HARE: Well, I don't see what the harm could be as long as you aren't Slagar. I'll have them contact you.


[The different-looking fox leaves the room, and Mariel of Redwall walks in. Or does she?]

MARIEL?: Hello, I'm Mariel of Redwall! Teehee! Could you tell me how to get in touch with a few badgerlords in order to conduct a few interviews with them for my new magazine, Warriors Monthly? Teehee!

HARE: Oh, why of course!

SLAGAR (Narration): For who would suspect Mariel of Redwall, an honored mouse warrior (of the fairer sex, no less) to be Slagar the Cruel... in disguise?

[Meanwhile, on the stage of the Studio...]

VITCH: Wow, that was... unexpected. So why was the first fox who came in so defensive about his identity if he wasn't really you?

SLAGAR: How am I supposed to know? Perhaps he was just trying to escape the long shadow I cast upon foxes in the entertainment world. Or maybe he was just trying to be a red herring for his own personal enjoyment. Now stop interrupting the clip, we're just getting to the actual interviews.

SLAGAR (Narration): The first badgerlord I was to meet with was Boar the Fighter. He arrived promptly in the Slightly-less-dark Clearing for our interview, but... well, the interview speaks for itself.

[The footage shown is now of a clearing outside in the midst of the Dark Forest itself, where two chairs, as well as miscellaneous decor such as a lamp and a grandfather clock, have been set up. The camera jumps between Slagar, who is currently in the form of Mariel, and Boar the Fighter as each one speaks. The hands of the clock standing behind the two seem to change their positions rapidly and irrationally throughout the interview.]

"MARIEL": So, why don't you tell us your name?


"MARIEL": Hey, calm down, it was just a question!

BOAR THE FIGHTER: There it is again!

"MARIEL": [Spontaneously wearing a different outfit] There's what again, Boar? Are you hearing things? Do you have schizophrenia?


"MARIEL": [Wearing the first outfit again] I see. So, how have you been handing things?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: [As if in the middle of a sentence] ...I've been having a problem...

"MARIEL": [Wearing the second outfit again] Yes, yes, we can see that. And how do you handle your problems, Boar?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Maiming the innocent at random?!

"MARIEL": Oh, really? And what do you think of, say... bathing?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: I find it an abominable practice, of course!

"MARIEL": I see. Now Boar, how would you describe yourself?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: [As if in the middle of a sentence] ...pretty bizarre...

"MARIEL": Intriguing. Do you have any messages for the dead dibbuns watching at home who look to you as a role model?

[Boar is shown upsetting his chair while growling with rage, before heading away from the area.]

"MARIEL": So that's the kind of irrational, psychotic behavior you'd like to see associated with badgerlords?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: [Sitting calmly in his chair again] Yes.

"MARIEL": And all of these remarks you've made during the interview... they're to be taken seriously?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Completely serious!

"MARIEL": Just checking. Well, thanks for agreeing to do this interview, Boar! You've been a real help.

[The same footage of Boar upsetting his chair while growling with rage, before heading away from the area, is shown a second time.]

SLAGAR (Narration): The next badgerlord I met with was not much different...

[The same arrangement is repeated, only this time Slagar is interviewing Lord Urthstripe.]

"MARIEL": So Urthstripe, how would you describe yourself?

LORD URTHSTRIPE: [The video seems to skip, as though this sentence was pieced together from two different clips] I'm... CRAZY?!

"MARIEL": And how have you been doing lately?


"MARIEL": I see! Any words of advice for dead dibbuns watching at home?


"MARIEL": What would you say is the defining trait of a badgerlord?


"MARIEL": Craziness, you say? Say no more. Now, here's a hypothetical situation for you, Urthstripe... you meet a young fan of yours at, like, a book signing, or something. What do you do when you see this fan's charming little face?

LORD URTHSTRIPE: I bite down upon it with my powerful jaws, then swallow it...?

"MARIEL": Just as I thought! So, Urthstripe, any final words for our viewers at home?


"MARIEL": Keep in touch, now.

VITCH: Hey sir, why did the hands on that clock sitting behind you keep changin' their positions during the interviews? Are some of these statements being taken outta context?

SLAGAR: It's a little something called "editing", Vitch. Geeze, why are you always so nitpicky about these sorts of things? Any other continuity errors you'd like to point out while you're at it?

VITCH: I thought you'd never ask, sir! [Begins cycling through a series of notecards.] In Ask Slagar question #202, you mention that Emperor Ublaz was kicked out of the "Redwall Villains Union" for hypnotizing the other members, but later it was stated that he actually lost his hypnotic powers as an afterlife punishment. In Ask Slagar question #230, you go on and on about how you belong to the "proud species of foxes", when in earlier installments of the column you decreed that almost every fox other than yourself was a nuisance. And in episode 2 of Slagar the Cruel: Coast to Coast...

SLAGAR: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC, YOU FOOL! You are such a fool. In fact, I'm about to flog you repeatedly for just that reason, as there is an imminent commercial break. Stay tuned, all of you, for when we get back I'll reveal everything you always wanted to know about Russano the So-called Wise, and then I'll cover the homicidal tendencies of Rawnblade Widestripe, all in the second part of my extra-special documentary-type film thing!

[The commercial is filled with constantly changing scenes of the Roaringburn Four performing.]

ANNOUNCER: You've read about their adventures! You've heard their music on that one talkshow! Now, for the first time, you can own the symphonic pseudo-jazz of the Roaringburn Four, by purchasing their new album: ! Enjoy their takes on classics, such as their scat version of "Martin the Warrior's Riddle"!

TREEROSE: The Warrior sleeps, deep deet da da doo, 'twixt Hall da da da dodododo and Cavern Hole olo lo lo...

ANNOUNCER: Marvel to their brand-new classic jams, such as Clecky's only slightly macabre and honestly rather silly "Scoffin' Swing"!

CLECKY: I'm no flippin' dummy-head, I'm not a bally sucker, an' I'm liable to cut off your head if you don't point me to the tucker! Wot?

ANNOUNCER: Or if you prefer music that, by some stretch of the imagination, might actually be worth listening to, then check out the various instrumental tracks from Slagar the Cruel: Coast to Coast! Including the "Slagar actually has a point" theme, the "Ask Slagar" theme, and even old favorites like the "This Track was Never Actually Used on the Show" theme!

[Several barely distinguishable musical cues are played.]

ANNOUNCER: Order this album now to receive Gerul's solo album, Sounds of Me Ould Mother, absolutely free of charge!

GERUL: [Warbling while ineptly playing the drums] Me old mother said this, me old mother said that, look at me - I'm a bird! Whooo~!

ANNOUNCER: Did I say you'd receive that if you ordered now? I meant you won't! You WON'T have to listen to Gerul's solo album if you order right now! To order your copy, just... oh, why even bother? Who in the Dark Forest would actually buy this product after seeing a commercial like this? This advertisement is OVER! STOP RECORDING ME OR I'LL-

SLAGAR: [Struggling to escape from the grip of an enormous, black-furred paw around his neck. The creature this paw belongs to his off-camera.] Uh, welcome back to the show! I'm afraid we've suffered some technical difficulties over here at the Dark Forest Studio...

THREECLAWS: [Lying broken and twisted in a corner next to a similarly injured Halfchop] I'll say!

SLAGAR: ...so you're not going to get to see part 2 of "Badgerlords: Behind the Blood" after all. Goodbye! See you next time!

[Boar the Fighter, the badger clutching Slagar's throat, thrusts his face into the camera's view.]

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Oh no you don't! This show isn't over yet. By the way, for those of you watching at home, a few of us badgerlords had been posing as random audience members during the first half of this show using the same trick Slagar had employed on us. Now we're exacting our vengeance upon the villainous fox! [In a great, booming voice] EULALIAAAAAAA!!!

SLAGAR: Do you have to shout like that when I'm right next to you?!

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Quiet, fox! Anyways, we're about to show you the true, unedited footage of the silly questions Slagar asked us while wearing a mouse's blouse. [In a great, booming voice again] ROLL THE TAPE!!!

SLAGAR: My ears... are bleeding...!

[The footage of Slagar's interview with Boar in the peaceful Dark Forest clearing begins to play again. Only this time, it's slightly different...]

"MARIEL": Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Boar! Teehee! Are you wondering why this interview is being filmed, even though I had previously claimed that it was to be used in a magazine?


"MARIEL": Okay, just checking. So why don't you tell us your name?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Surely you're not serious? You mentioned that I was, in fact, Boar the Fighter at the beginning of the interview, didn't you?

"MARIEL": Right, right, of course. Teehee! [Handing Boar a piece of parchment] Here, can you reprise this bit of dialogue from your appearance in the story of Mossflower?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Sure. [Dramatically] THAT IS FOR ONLY ME TO KNOW! How was that?

"MARIEL": That was perfect. Teehee!

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Since when did you say teehee? I thought you were a fierce warrior. Your current behavior is pretty bizarre, Mariel. I'm not sure I like it!

"MARIEL": I see. So, how have you been handing things?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Isn't that the sort of question one would kick the interview off with...? Anyhow, I'm fine, though I've been having a bit of a problem with warriormaids acting suspiciously while interviewing me.

"MARIEL": Hey, what are your thoughts on maiming the innocent at random?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Maiming the innocent at random?! I find it an abominable practice, of course! What on earth are you implying?

"MARIEL": Hey, calm down, it was just a question! Teehee!

BOAR THE FIGHTER: There it is again! That annoying laugh you've picked up!

"MARIEL": Oh, really? Are you serious?

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Completely serious! Now cut it out!

"MARIEL": Actually, I think this should be enough footage for our interview, so thanks again, Boar! TEEEEHEEEEE!

BOAR THE FIGHTER: You can't fool me! I bet you're not even really Mariel! This whole thing has been a set-up, and I'll get to the bottom of it eventually!

[Boar upsets his chair, then storms away from the clearing. Slagar takes on his real shape again for a few moments, breathing heavily as though exhausted from projecting the image of a mousemaid for a prolonged period of time. He then assumes Mariel's appearance yet again.]

"MARIEL": Send in the next badgerlord!

[Lord Urthstripe walks into the clearing and takes a seat.]

LORD URTHSTRIPE: Excuse me, Mariel, but I couldn't help hearing a bit of the tail-end of the last interview you conducted... had something gone awry?

"MARIEL": Oh, don't worry about it, Urthstripe. So, how do you respond to charges that vermin are the true champions of hedonistic decency in the world, and that "goodbeasts" like yourself are the real problematic ones?

LORD URTHSTRIPE: I... what? With all due respect, that's a horrible question. Everyone with any sense knows such accusations are inarguably false!

"MARIEL": So you say. Now, you're a badger. How exactly does a badger like yourself chew its food?

LORD URTHSTRIPE: I bite down upon it with my powerful jaws, then swallow it...?

"MARIEL": Hey, would you say that badgers are more like the archfools of our society, or cannibalistic sea monsters?

LORD URTHSTRIPE: What are you, crazy?! This interview is over!

[Lord Urthstripe storms off. Soon, Russano the Wise takes a seat.]

RUSSANO THE WISE: Greetings, Mariel of Redwall. I'm here for the interview?

"MARIEL": Ah, yes. Can you read this for me? [Hands a piece of parchment to Russano]

RUSSANO THE WISE: [Quizzically] I... wet the bed at night?!

"MARIEL": Thanks! I think I can pad that out to a full interview...

SLAGAR: Okay, okay, everyone gets the picture! It was all a hoax, made to paint you guys as insane.

BOAR THE FIGHTER: Yeah, in hindsight, I guess that was kind of obvious from the start. Your editing was painfully conspicuous, vermin!

RAWNBLADE WIDESTRIPE: I can only wonder what he did with that footage of me smashing the clock over his head...

LORD URTHSTRIPE: I suppose all that's left now is to strike back at Slagar as hard as possible for depicting us as bloodthirsty psychopaths.

SLAGAR: Um, by proving me wrong and letting me go without harming me?

LORD URTHSTRIPE: [Laughs uproariously, then quickly becomes dead serious.] GUESS AGAIN.

[Boar, Urthstripe, Russano, and Rawnblade drag Slagar off-screen, where the clanging of weapons and the horrified screams of Slagar are heard. Afterwards, the four leave the set with satisfied looks on their faces - and a few moments later, a diced-up pile of Slagar's flesh slowly trudges towards his desk.]

PILE OF SLAGAR: [Makes a gurgling noise.]

VITCH: [Just recovering from a blow he received during the commercial break] Yikes, sir! Even with all that concentratin' you were doing before, I bet that li'l "alteration" will take a while to fix.

PILE OF SLAGAR: [Makes an angry gurgling noise.]

VITCH: You found my observation clever and not at all extraneous? Gee, thanks, Slagar!

THREECLAWS: 'Ey, you don't know that the chief said that, runt! You're jus' readin' whatever you want into those gurgles, even though they don' make sense to nobeast!

HALFCHOP: Kachunk!

THREECLAWS: Halfchop agrees with me.

PILE OF SLAGAR: [Gurgles in frustration and defeat.]

DISCLAIMER: Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.