Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 8

Yes, that's right, you scum-sucking bunch of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #121
Slagar, what makes you think that no one will know what your face looks like under that mask? I mean what if you don't show them your face and they know your face would be ugly.

Dear Noname (this is the same one),
Ah, you again. I see you've kept your humble tact and your sparkling wit. I salute you, sir, as... ah, forget sarcasm, I'm wasting it on somebody who won't be able to percieve it. YOU ARE AN IDIOT, AND A BABBLING FOOL TO BOOT. (Hope I wasn't too subtle for you.)

Question #122
Dear Slags,
Are you afraid of seals, especialy their *evil language? Well i am, i get frantic and run into random walls and scream like the little girl i am when i hear it. Who isn't scared of those big gray lumpy things oh and haven't i mentioned it already scary creatures. Problem is when i'm trying to run a foebeast through with my otter javelin a big seal appears from high and the sky and starts chasing me around everywhere saying "Hawwwwwwwwwwm" and so and so if that evil stuff leaving me weak to my foebeasts attack. Any Advice? Oh and why are you so mean to baby rollo, hes such a cute baby bank vole! And i do think he is the great ancestor of baby rollo in mattimeo and lives in redwall abbey.

P:S - keep being you slags ;)

-A Otter Maiden Driven Mad By Hotroot Soup

Dear Soup,
Are you sure nobody spiked that Hotroot Soup? Anyways, there is a simple, practical way to rid yourself of sealaphobia. Just follow my simple step-by-step instructions.

A) Take an axe. (Any blade will do.)
B) Stretch the axe forward, with the sharp side facing you.
C) Lift the axe into your face, quickly and violently.
D) Repeat until all signs of sealaphobia fade.

As for Baby Rollo... if he was the great ancestor of baby rollo, he'd be dead, wouldn't he? Then again, I have no room to talk...

Question #123
Dear slagar
Its me fuzzy Lumpkins i am glad your back. Clecky the brainless git called me lump. obviosly you are a lot better at this job. How come in the book "The Outcast Of Redwall" Sunflash gets bitten by an adder but he doesn't die. I mean in all the books there always saying how venomous they are. Are they just not having him die so they can turn it into some stupid cartoon where the good guys always win. i just dont like that. I NEED ACTION!!!!!!!

Fuzzy Lumpkins

Dear fuzzy,
The good guys DO always win. At least, where I come from. I guess it's just a fact of fiction, or something. By the way, you should watch who you call brainless... I mean, your name is Fuzzy Lumpkins. What does that say about you?

Question #124
Dear Slagar,
Alright, is it just me or are most foxes really really beginning to suck. I mean really, we've got those stuck up Marlfoxes that think they are so fantastic just because they are colored like a stone wall and can blend into crap. Then we have the vixens serving idiots like Swartt, really, they can be so stupid, and you know they will die, but still they have a vixen to follow them. And then there's that freak with the wolfskin, whose name Im not even going to try to remember, which I think he may take the cake, because everyone knows foxes are at least 5 times what wolves are, we're not almost extinct, unlike them. And the last one Im gonna talk about is that one Swartt tricked into that nest of adders, I mean really, was he that stupid, because if he was he deserved to die. So in closing, I think your the last fox actually intelligent or crafty enough to deserve to be called a fox, you would have gutted all those fools if you had met. So what I want to know, is how can I whip these fools and idiots that lazily enjoy the title fox into shape, you'r the only one who will know.

Erif Vulpes

Dear Erif,
An admirable goal. The solution? Get them to buy my new book, "How You Can Be As Great As Me (Almost)". It contains all kinds of tips on becoming a better fox. Here's the blurb from the back of the book...

Do you want to be more sly? Of course! We all do! This book contains all of the tips that you, yes, YOU, need to become a better fox. Included are tips that will help you to conquer that certain special Abbey. So trick, swindle, and otherwise befuddle your friends with this award winning* book from the author of "Why They Deserved It: Slagar's Side of the Story"!


So, there you have it, Erif. I sold out. Hey, if I didn't, I wouldn't be very evil...

Question #125
Dear Slagar.
Where did youget your mask any way? I've been wondering. You didn't sew it did you? *shudders* And if you DID sew *blanches* it where did you get the material?
With much wonder,

Dear Crescentclaws,
Me? Sewing? NO! That's ridiculous... I... swiped it. Off some old knitting grandmother. Ha. Served her right.

Question #126
Dear Slagar,
It's Erif again, and a great tip, I must buy the book as soon as I can find a copy, or simply swipe it, or use and ax then pry it from their cold dead han. . .anyway, thats enough rambling on my part. I was wondering what's your favorite weapon besides your bola for, how to put it, evicting goodbeasts from their bodies? Also, I was curious what kind of music you like, I know that your in the dark forest, and I dont know the whole status on music there, but you probably had some before your were there. And for my closing, I was thinking about how to get you back, and I didnt know if you could just possess someones body or not. I know it wont be nearly as good as your original one, and probably kind of suck at first, but you could create all kind of evil and mayhem for a little bit. Well, thats all for right now, until next time Slagar. Sincerely,
Erif Vulpes

Dear Erif,
You again? Already? Geeze, nobody ever seems satisfied with the first answers these days. Well, in any case, I could make a witty remark about your terrible spelling, but if you spell "axe" "ax", or "hand" "han.", you obviously are either doing it on purpose or you just don't care. So, anyways, my favorite weapon besides my bola (or bole, as certain people affectionately entitle it) would have to be my trusty giant boulder. It takes a bit of preperation, but it gets the job done. As for what music I like... well, it depends on what scene you're talking about. In the terms of your world, I suppose I'd pick the music of John Cage. That guy did more damage to the world of music than I could ever do to Redwall... he deserves some respect, you know? Oh yeah, one musical group I DON'T like is Slipknot. Which, in both senses, means a running knot. Ha, I bet you didn't know that. You pick these things up while running an advice column. And as for posession... it doesn't work. I tried it, believe me... once you're in the guy, you can spin your head and spit out pea soup. That's about it.

Question #127
Dear Slagar,

I am a conquering warlord stoat. I have supreme control over my great hordes and rule a huge portion of land, of which I had conquered. No one stands in my way who doesn't die the next second! My attacks are useless to resist! My mercy to anyone who has displeased me in any way is long lasting death of unspeakable torturing and mockery! All woodlanders and warriors tremble and fear and even die of fright whenever my name is mentioned! The numbers in my hordes are gigantic and cover the whole lands! My riches and wealth are beyond all in the world!

I have only ONE problem.

Whenever I hear the sound of music, say a couple rats singing around a fire, my eyes instantly fill with unstoppable tears and I start howling out cries. I run around all over the place with tears flying through the air as my emotions go beyond control and I go absolutely insane! I can't control myself! Even bird songs drive my emotions mad! You have to help me Slagar! Before I go insane beyond repair and my horde loses all fear of me! PLEASE HELP!!!

Balsbok the Savage

Dear Balsbok,
Well, good luck getting around in this world when you break out in tears at the sound of music. I mean, the hills are alive with the sound of music, with songs they have sung for a thousand years... the hills fill my mind with the sound of music, and make me want to tear off my ears. So, now how do you solve a problem like the Savage? How do you hold the music out of your head? I have confidence that I can show you the answer.

Ear plugs.

(You know, I hate musicals. But I had to make those references to that dumb musical from your world. Puns are a few of my favorite things.)

Question #128
Hey, just writing to tell you that your advice column rocks. I also would like to congratulate you on your on-line prowess as one of the best sites. The REAL reason I wrote is to ask your opinion about Triss. It seems to me that the villains are kinda lame. I mean, the "king" is afraid of water, yet his castle is on the seaside. Also, the princess ferret sounds like Lady Tsarmina in "Mossflower". I just wanted to ask your opinion, as you are one of the best villains, with strong will and stamina, about this.
Sircosgi Ardiwin *PAI*

Dear Sircovski,
What are you talking about, Ardwen? The villains that battled Triss were great! Well, not so much Saregeno and Kurda as Prince Bladd. I mean, he was the real mastermind there. Too bad about the oatmeal, or he would have conquered Redwall eventually. Well, no, I'm not serious. I don't really have much of an opinion on ferret royalty. But thanks for the question anyways, Sirgosci.

Question #129
Dear Slagar
Hey Slagar. This may be the only sane E-mail you've received in a while.
!) In Kingdom Hearts, why is that one cobra-boss guy named Kurt Zisa?
@) Is my son a bad guy?
#) Is Roy O'Bannon from Shanghai Noon/Knights a bad guy?
$) Am I a bad guy?
%) How come I haven't seen Vitch lately in the Column?
^) What about Nightshade?
I recently had a case of amnesia, Slagar.

From: Swartt Sixclaw, I think

Dear Swartt, maybe,
In what way, shape, or form is this considered "sane"? Actually, I think I'm going to totally ignore your "questions" and file this letter under "I", for "Idiot, Written By". Sorry, "Swartt", those are the breaks. You know, like the breaks in your skull, that lowered your intelligence to the point where you could write those questions.

Question #130
To: Slagar the Cruel
As a fellow fox, I have three questions. First, how do you keep your tail so nice? I mean, I wash my tail all the time, I use anything from soaps to scrubbing it with sansstone wrapped in elm bark (which DOESN'T work and it really hurts) anything but it still doesn't get that shine. What do you do? Second, I know your extremely cruel and sly and all that but how did you become so famous? I mean, Im evil, cruel and sly but Im not that well known. Is it because I didn't do any harm to Redwall? (yet...) And a third question, Are you seeing anyone? I know your dead but I bet Im going to die as well, once the ferret and his band catch up. So I made a little mistake at being a seer and three quaters of their band got killed. Do they really have to take it out on little me? Uh oh, gotta dash...


To: Gleameye,
How do I keep my tail so nice? Well, I guess it comes natural. It's not like I lather it in shampoo or anything. That would just be weird. And if you want fame so badly, do something interesting, or important, or something.

Aye, an' a name's important as well. Me ould mother said, if ye haven't got a name, ye haven't got fame, because what's the press gonna call yeh?

What are you doing here, Gerul?! Never mind, I'm not going to encourage him... I'll just ignore him... then he'll go away...

Ah, Slagar, ye old blaggard. You know what my mother would say about you?

Hey, I know a good recipie for Tandoori Owl...

Er... as me ould mother said, I've gotta make like a tree and go away!

And no, I'm not really seeing anyone... mostly because it's so DARK here. Curse the literal nature of this place!

Question #131
Dear Coward,
I read Why they Deseved it and it was horrible. I also read the How to Become a Better fox and it sucked. I only understand on what is a bad fox (you). I want to know how you won a medal. SO ANSWER ME!

Anonymous Vermin #4
Group 24 Row 6 Column 3
Third Fox from the right

Well, thanks for being so thorough with your name. *yawn* Next question.

Question #132
Dear Slagar,
Why is Cluny so like uhhhhhh eviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil then again i have no room to be talking forget I said anything. Are they going to make anymore REDWALL books because if they stop where will I be......................what if they stop WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! no more redwall books WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! they cant stop WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You should watch Hamtaro it rocks it is about hampsters Since you are a dead animal you would probably like to watch some living ones you could also read the Redwall books.............................................................. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! no more Redwall *Dad, pull your self together its just a book* WHAAAAAAAA!

Fuzzy Lumkins
*cough, cough*

Dear Kins,
Whhhhhyyyyyyyy dooooooo yoooooooouu haaaaaave toooooo dooo thhiiiiiiiiiissss? And where's the question?!

Question #133
Dear Slagar,
I have a problem. It stinks. Something more original then hordebeasts are attacking Redwall, and they are annoying us to death. Furbys. It's really scary. A random nameless dibbun walked outside the gates, and came back screaming "IT'S REALLY ANNOYING!!" A furby was chasing it, yelling "ME HUNGRY" and "ME A - K!" Please help!! LOOK, THERE COMES ANOTHER ONE RIGHT NOW!

Brother Fred

Dear Bro. Fred,
Furbies... aren't they the little fuzzy electric birdmice? If so, I can see why you'd be worried. Those things look annoying. Anyways, while you didn't actually state this in your letter, I assume you want me to provide a solution. Well, you could probably counter this invasion by paying them off with Monopoly money. Or, if worse comes to worse, you could try allying with an even worse interactive toy... *cough*YANO*cough*

Editor's Note: seriously, though, you don't want to get involved with Yano toys... just trust me on this one... I still cringe when I think about the carnage the little guy caused... *shudder*

Question #134
Dear Slagar,
What's it like in the Dark Forest? Is it divided up into sections for vermin and woodlanders, or are you all together? Do fights ever break out? Have you met anyone interesting?

--Dart the Vixen--

Dear Dart,
The Dark Forest divisions are... complicated. You'd have to see it for yourself. Let's just say that the "fights" that break out very rarely matter much because of it. (Such as my example of trying to harm Matthias to no avail.) As for whether I've met anyone interesting, I've met this guy named Larry who has this bizzare collection of - say, what's with all of the questions all of the sudden, anyways? Well, sure, this is an advice collumn, but... I mean, all of these Dark Forest questions. Sure, I'm dead... but there's plenty of more interesting things to admire about me!

Question #135
Dear Slagar,
Dear Salgar,
I'm suffering Dear Slagar,
I'm suffering from deja vu. Dear Slagar,
i'm suffering from deja vu. What can you. Dear Slagar,
i'm suffering from deja vu. What can you do to help me? Dear Slagar,
i'm suffering from deja vu. What can you do to help me?
Signed Mental Patient

Dear Mental,
I think you're suffering from chronic amnesia. Check to see that nobody's whacking you on the head with a mallet.

Question #136
Dear Slagar
Sorry about my stupidity in my last E-mal. I've got a couple of intelligent questions ...

!) Are there any towns in Redwall?
@) Is Gruven Zann Juskarath actually the bad guy in Taggerung.
#) I'm very sorry if this counts as stupid, but why haven't you bought the Dark Forest DVD system? I bought mine two days ago and it came with a free DVD version of the Nightmare before Christmas!


Dear Swartt,
Oh, goodie... this time the list's short.
!) Of course. There are several thriving towns inside of Redwall Abbey. Because it's not like Abbeys are relatively small buildings, or anything.
@) Answer is hazy, please don't e-mail again for response.
#) You know, I've got to hand it to you. You're right. This one is stupid.

Question #137
Dear Slagar,
I've got some questions to ask.
!) Weren't you going to call yourself Mousdeath?
@) How did you survive Asmodeaus's attack?
#) What's the dark Forrest like?
$) What kind of fox are you?
%) Will you go out with my friend?
^) I've got a little brother. How do you get rid of them?
&) What's a sebegtsble?
See ya.

Dear Fangburn,
Hey, you're #137! You know what that means... you get a slew of completely apathetic responses.
!) Yeah, I was.
@) Just because.
#) Meh.
$) A cool one.
%) No. Tell her to... die... or something.
^) I dunno.
&) ...I hate you.

Question #138
What is your favourite colour?

Dear Nikki,
A tie between red and blue. Or couldn't you tell? By the way, what's with that thing you stuck after your message? And don't tell me that's supposed to be a face. That thing looks nothing like a face. Maybe the face of a Sperm Whale with really triangular, squinting eyes, but... honestly, what's with the stupid things you kids try to pass off as faces these days? ^o_O^

Question #139
Dear Slagar,
Rarr! I'm Lacoasta the Mighty! Ruler of a badger army! I need help getting them in order. What should I do? If you tell me I won't harm you.
P.S. Eulaliaaaaa
P.P.S. If you don't answer this I will kill all your firstborn sons.
P.P.P.S. I have a brother named Fred, he wanted me to tell you that. He also has a magical power that enables him to get in the Dark Forest. Hahaha.

Dear Lacoasta,
Hey, "rarr" to you too, buddy. Want to know what I'd suggest doing with your badger army? How about shoving them off of a tall precipice? Yeah, do that to cull all those too weak to survive the fall. By the way, even if I had any sons... how could I have multiple firstborns? Do you think I fathered twins, or something? Where'd you get that idea? Also, is Fred's ability called "mortality"? Because a lot of people have that.

Question #140
Dear Son,
Where are you these days, young fox? Have you been eating your veggies? I hope you're not still on that computer of yours all day long. I just mailed you to remind you that you have at least 5 chores that I told you to last week and you said you'd do them! What am going to tell the foxes that come to our den for tea? So, what you need to do now is to clean your room, do the dishes, mop the floors, flip the sheets, and hound some chickens. Oh, and I forgot, you also have to sort the mail, do the laundry (when was the last time you cleaned that mask?) scrub the windows, and ask if you can borrow a cup of flour from Ublaz. Please do your chores this time, or else I will have to choice but to come to your room and pound your computer with a sledgehammer.

Dear Mom,
Is it just me, or have you been mailing me from a lot of different addresses? Or maybe a bunch of really messed up people are running around pretending to be my mom... nah, that'd just be nasty. You must just have a lot of e-mail addresses. So... as they say in Hipsville, 'sup wit dat?

So until next time, send me your questions so I can bask in your inferiority. I don't care if it's coming from a woodlander dibbun, a human teenager, or a vermin cheiftan. Ask me, I'm a lot smarter than you. :P

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.