Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 7

Yes, that's right, you worthless bunch of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #101
Dear Slagar,
FINALLY yer back! Seems like ages! Me question's wuz there any beast else ter take yer place when yer went away? Why did yer go 'way?

Luna Sixclaw

Dear Loonie,
101, eh? The first one to make a Dalmation crack dies a death more terrible than they can possibly imagine. Anyways, today I have a question for YOU, Luna. ARE YOU BLIND?!?! I don't know how many times has the reason for my absence been plainly stated, yet half-wits like yourself continue to miss the point. (If I remember correctly, it was also stated that Clecky and Gerul were the only other columnists available.)

Question #102
Oh Most Despicable Slagar,
Have you no honor? Clecky and Gerul were doing a much better job than you ever did, and what did you do? You gave them the boot. You were probably jealous about their popularity, weren't you? Was it too much to bear that some other creatures were the main attraction (besides some wicked games) on a site named after you? Well I hope your happy...and that you find a partner (I hear Ferahgo has some free time) to comment along with you, and maybe to argue with....and that you give us some anecdotes from your mother (yes, I know she's dead, but you are too)....and....okay, that's about it.

With Utmost Ummmm...something meaning unhappy,
Mad at you for giving Clecky and Gerul the Boot (MAYFGCAGTB)

Dear ROTFL (or whatever punks like you call themselves),
Yes, I'm VERY satisfied with myself. Clecky and Gerul didn't need a job like this one - they were having their cake and eating it too. And with Clecky around, that cake didn't last long. Bwahaha. Anyways, I used to "hang out" with Ferahgo, but... apparently, he's got some real issues right now. A gender change AND a species change? I'm not going within ten feet of the guy... assuming that letter was from him... and I will NEVER give you an anecdote from my mother. NEVER! Or as me ould mother would say, not until I lose me feathers! ...drat.

Question #103
Querido Slagar,
¿Qué pasa hoy? À quoi ressemble il à être de retour? Halten Sie jedoch im nahen Kontakt mit Clecky und Gerul? Li spero. Realmente non si sono meritati di essere dati dei calci a fuori. Uma última vontade da pergunta estejam sempre para trás? And just to add a sixth language in many dialects, I shall closeth this letter in a colourful English fashion. See ya'll l8er!

Yo' Homie,
Attempted-Hexlingual Writer

Dear Writer,
Now, I know how this is supposed to work. I'm supposed to run your message through a translater a bunch of times to figure out what you're saying, thus wasting my valuable time. Fortunately, I have my patented Slagtranslator™! With the Slagtranslator™, I was able to translate all of your message with one click. Here's what I got...

Dear Slagar,
I think I'm so great, and so funny, but I'm really just stupid! Please insult me!

Strangely enough, that's the translation I get for all "Ask Slagar" questions...

Question #104
Slagar! I am so happy to see you! Ever since that stupid hair and ol took over, I've been crying my eyes out! I'm so happy your'e back! Oh yeah, I have some questions...

!) How come in The Return of the King, all Frodo does is moan and complain?
@) Do you skydive?
#) What is with that new Shania Twain song "I'm gonn'a getcha good"
$) What ever happened to the Spice Girls?
%) How come Arven spoke like an idiot in his early years "I'm a likkle maggot!".

Well, that's it for me

Dear Swartt,
..."hair" and "ol"? Come on, you're doing it on purpose, now. Anyways..

!) Says the guy who's been crying his eyes out over my absence...
@) No!
#) ...
$) They've gone to a better place... because we can't hear them from there. >=)
%) Because he's secretly related to you? *shrugs*

Question #105
Dear Slagar,
I am so glad you are back! Anyway, I have a couple of questions for you:

1. If a fly flew into holy water, would the wateer be defiled, or the fly sanctified?
2.Why Clecky and Gerul? Couldn't you have chosen Princess Kurda, or Ungatt Trunn
3.Do you watch my TV show?
4. Can I run the column the next time you get maimed by meatloaf?
5.Do you know where I live?

Scincerely, Hamtaro

Dear Hamtaro,
1. The universe would collapse.
2. Who said I "chose" anyone?
3. No!
5. If I did, you'd be dead.

Question #106 Dear Slagar
Please help me! I am trying to stop a runaway young fox who looks like he's about to kill me. While I'm just a simple abbey-dweller, I don't really fight. (And also the fox is running away with some antique dishes.) What is your advice?


Dear Methusela,
I advise you to stop living in the past. That happened years ago, mouse! I already killed you! Get over it.

Question #107
Dear Slagar,
No need ter insult me, yer know! I was jus' wondrin'...
Where d'yer find all these insults? How'd yer gitt so good at insultin'?

Luna Sixclaw
p.s: I en't no loonie!

Dear Lula Seventoe,
How did I get to good at insulting? I don't really know. They just spring to my mind when listening to idiots like you.

Question #108
Dear Slagar
Is there a Santa Claws? If so, which animal is he?
From Vex Sixclaw

Dear Vex,
No, there's not a Santa Claws. I hear there's a sandy claws, though, and he's a cat who just walked over a beach. Hmm... you know, that joke sounds more like something you'd find on a popsicle stick then something I'd tell you. Maybe I
am losing my touch. Um, go soak your head in a vat of acid, you fool. Yeah, that's more like it. Next question!

Question #109
Dear Slagar,
I recently learned that our current Skipper of Otters is related to the only otter Taggerung. I did some research on this statement and was wondering, since when did the only otter Taggerung have a mate? I was wondering if you could take a minuscule ammount of your very precious time to answer my very unimportant question.
Thanks ever so,
Timid Little Mousemaid

Dear Mousemaid,
First of all, calm down! You don't have to go on the offensive like that! Do you always fly off the handle at people like that? Geeze... anyways, who said the Taggerung DIDN'T have a mate? Maybe he had a secret affair going on. Actually, I've heard that he-

EDITOR'S NOTE: Um, Slagar... remember the whole "age group" thing?

Ah, go soak your head in a vat of acid. Hmm... I might have something with catch phrase.

Question #110
SLAGAR! You know who this is! I want A real vermin slaying sword, not a cheap cardboard one! And once I get it, I will use it to slay you! Mu-ha-ha-ha!!!

Dear Dark,
Yeah, I know who you are... because you told me at the end of your message, you idiot. Anyways, good luck trying to kill a deadbeast, you cardboard-wielding twit.

Question #111
Dear Slagar,
You are my inspiration! When I was dibbun I was either gonna be a romance novelist or a steroid addicted, horde beast with the intent to smash! Anywho, I have a question for STC then you. What did you use for Vermin invaders? My arch nemises and nephew, Ultimamk wants to know to make a game for his new site. Now for a tiny amount of questions for Slagar:

1.What does Satan look like?
2.Why are you so sinister and cool?
3.What do you say to all those athiests out there?
4.What would you like to do more than anything?
5.Have you ever killed a platipuss?
6.Was your father a drunken sailor?
8.Is Elvis the Drunken Hare down there?
9.Do you know a cure for the hiccups?
10.Are there evil Barbera Streisan look alike elves under my bed???


Dear Darkcat,
If you've got a question for the idiot that runs this website, ask him, not me. Although technically, he does write this advice column. Which makes him even more pathetic, as he's dictating me to insult him...

Slagar... you're on THIN ICE here...

Um... anyways, I'm getting really sick of these stupid long lists, so I'm going to see if I can answer the whole lot in fifteen seconds. READY, SET, GO!

3. HI!
4. LIVE!
5. NO!
6. NO!
7. YES!
8. NO!
9. NO!
10. MAYBE!

Oh, drat... I went three seconds over. Oh well, there's always next time.

Question #112
Dear Mr. Slagar,
My evil mother is making me write this note to you. Apparently, I need advice on how to be bad...and my mother is looking over my shoulder right now...monitoring every word I write.'s my painfully polite letter to you asking for advice on how to be bad. Kind of pathetic, seeing as that's quite a broad topic...(sentence abruptly cut off here)
Sorry. My mother thought I was insulting her. She's evil, as I already mentioned, and she wants me to be evil just like her. I don't want to be evil. I want to be a good vixen...(sentence cut off)
Oh fine, Mother. Have it your way. SEE? I'm ending the letter! Great. NOW she's making me sign in blood. Not my fault if I get tetanus...

(signed rather clumsily in blood) Eviletta S. Cam (I hate my name. I hate my mothe...(cut off)

Dear Eviletta,
Parent trouble, eh, letta? I've been there. First off, you need to make it clear to your mother that insulting her is the first step towards being bad. Second of all, you need to duck left to dodge the knives she throws at you. Anyways, how did you sign an e-mail with blood? Isn't that kind of... physically impossible?

Question #113
Dear Slagar,
I have two simple, yet resonable questions for you. WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH YOU AND YOUR HATRED FOR OTHER FOXES BESIDE ASCORD AND YOURSELF!?!?! Before we move on to question two, let us recall each others lives(Or what is known for sure, anyway).
Slagar the Cruel: Captured little children. Killed 3 people/creatures. Had his band kill each other. Died by falling down a hole. Mentioned only because of his stay in St. Ninians.
Me: Killed 2 people/creatures. Poisoned an entire food/water supply. Died by the icy paws of a Badger Lord. Mentioned throughout Ferhago(The male weasel)'s horde(Which is now dead).
Ascord: Who really cares!?
Now for my second question. Who's the better one now?

Farren The Poisoner

PS I could've had the horde too. But I didn't want to be wasting my already not-used vioce by shouting at a bunch of bumbling idiots.
PPS I know where you live!

Dear "Farren",
Which one of us is better? Well, that's simple. Which one of us lasted almost throughout the entire book, and which one of us died after 62 pages? Furthermore, which of us at least knows how to spell his own NAME? Go soak your head in a vat of acid, you twit. Hmm... maybe I'm beginning to overuse that. Seriously, though, I might've been unfair to my fellow foxes earlier. Just because they're nowhere near as great as me doesn't make them anything less than the standard.

Question #114
Why do you wear a checkered mask over your head? To cover your ugly face.

Dear Noname,
WOW. You sure showed ME up with your SHARP WIT. How CLEVER you are. Thanks for the question... and the answer, too. I can see you're a bright one, Noname. (That's sarcasm, by the way.)

Question #115
Greetings, oh most lascivious Slagar!
I need advice on how to hurt or traumatize everyone at Redwall one foul swoop. I liked your slaving plan, but I'm not a slaver. How can I make everyone there suffer?

Do I need an army to do something like this? I've tried throwing flaming garbage at Redwall, but it has not been very effective. I need help that only your malicious mind can think up!

Your faithful follower,
--Dart the Vixen--

Dear Dart,
Oh, no, you don't need help from an army or anything. Just make them stub their toes. They'll lose their will to live. Seriously, though, nobody can tell you how to traumatize all of Redwall in one foul (I think you meant "fell", Dart) swoop. It's like... winning the lottery, for example. You know it's never going to happen. Unless you're devious and clever enough to blackmail the people in charge. Or, in this case, pull the old slaver trick on them. I'm sorry if it's not a very good comparison, but I'm not good at making complex plans easy to understand for garbage-hurling simpletons like you.

Question #116
Dear Slagar,
please kill that annoying baby bankvole!
From R dude

Dear R dupe,
From what I can tell, that's an IMPERATIVE sentence. This column is called "ASK Slagar". "Ask" refers to sending QUESTIONS, which are INTEROGGATIVE sentences. In other words, you... oh, forget it. I'm not getting paid to teach you English. In fact, I'm not getting paid at all. Next question! (Make it an ACTUAL question this time...)

Question #117
I saw a Post on a baby Vole, I could scare him to silence...

Bloodwrathly Yours-
Valor Boldstripe
(Mate of Lord Sunflash of Salamandastron.)

Dear Valor,
I'd just like to say that your first statement has to have the most irregular use of capitalization I've ever seen. Well, unless you count those crazy "hax0rs"... tHeY tYpE lIkE tHiS. Anyways, this isn't a question either. Honestly, folks... if the next thing I read isn't a question, there
WILL be retribution!

Question #118
Dear Slagar,
First of all, I'd like to start my little question thing off in a good way. How are you today? I'd have to say that Slagar? YOU ROCK! ^_^ Your the best character in Redwall, and your just so awesome. The whole mask and cape thing? That's just neat. And I agree with you're earlier letter. All the other foxes are stupid dorks!! Oh yes, my question is this: How come you had to fall down the well and die? I would have loved it if you lived and came back later to kill all the Redwallers! (Especially that brat, Mattimeo.) Anyways, thats all the questions I have! Thanks!

From your biggest fan,
ps.When you come back to life, would you mind coming over here and killing someone for me? Thanks!

Oh, finally, a question... and a nice one full of compliments at that. I'm touched.

Dear FOOL,
If you think you can lower my defenses with sugar-coated compliments, you're wrong! Nah, just kidding. I can tell you have some genuine common sense. I am, after all, the greatest mind the world of Mossflower has ever, and will ever, know. As for how why I had to fall down a well and die...
well, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. You know, that whole "gravity" thing?

Question #119
Dear Slagar,
I've been under alot of pressure lately to get my act together before I graduate. My guidence counsilor has been trying desperately to convince me to appy for colledge and at home they're trying to teach me to cook so I won't live out the rest of my days on Mac'n'Cheese. I don't really want to graduate, I'm terrible at cooking, and I have no idea what I want to do after highschool. Any suggestions?

No Aspirations

Dear No 'Rations,
Can it be? A good, old-fashioned, ADVICE COLUMN question? I'm stunned. Anyways, I don't think you'll have to worry about getting into "colledge" with spelling like yours. After you get out of school, I suggest you turn to something simple and enjoyable, yet productive and useful. Hey, I know... slavery! Okay, okay, bad idea... how about world domination? Come on, you can't tell me that's not enjoyable...

Question #120
Dear Slagar.
Question, why did you rename yourself Slagr anyway? Weren't you planning on calling yourself Redflash, or Mousedeath? Where did Slagar come from? I like your new name , it's all evilesque like, but why?

Dear Crescentclaws,
I didn't rename myself "Slagr". What in the world are you talking about?

So until next time, keep e-mailing me your questions, and I will keep making fun of you... I mean, answer them. I don't care if it's coming from a woodlander dibbun, a human teenager, or a vermin cheiftan. Ask me, I'm a lot smarter than you. :P

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.