Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 6

It's time for everyone's favorite advice collumn, Ask Slagar! Unfortunately, Slagar is trying to get out of the advice collumn business (which was his punishment for his many seasons of evil-doing), so he's not available right now. Fear not, loyal readers - your questions will not go unanswered! For the time being, it's up to Clecky the hare to answer your questions!

Yes, that's right, you lucky chaps and chapesses, Cleckstarr Lepus Montisle (or Clecky, the title I prefer jolly well over the elegant mouthful that is my full title, wot?) is here to solve your conundrums!

Aye, 'tis true what me ould mother used to say, those who deserve credit rarely get it, an' those that get credit rarely deserve it!

Oh yes, how jolly rude of me. This is my friend, the barn owl, Gerul. He'll be helpin' me answer your questions. When you've got flippin' volumes of inquiries flyin' at you, sometimes y' need to call in the reserves, wot?

Query #1
what happend to slagar isnt he suposed to do comunty service?

Dear Chap or Chappess,
You forgot your blinkin' name, sah! Or marm, as the case may be. Make sure it doesn't happen again. You could get your hide tanned for that, wot? Anyways, that blaggard of a fox Slagar was supposed to answer questions, but if you had read the notice above, and on Slagar's last page, you would've realized that Slagar is currently in a legal battle of sorts with the Dark Forest officials and th' runner of this web site, er, web page, er, webthingummy... which I've just noticed is dedicated to the ugly blighter 'imself!

Hmm. Clecky, me friend, sure an' that was a long sentence. Me ould mother would say, if you can't say something short, the only alternative is sayin' it long, but try to avoid such situations.

Truer words've never been spoken, me old owl pal...

Query #2
To Clecky,
Jus' wonderin', Why the 'eck did StC not choose a vermin as a temerary replacement?
from Luna Sixclaw

To Luna,
I suppose I should get all the questions about that slavering slaver out of the way before I answer the real questions... anyways, why would he get another vermin? They're mean-spirited, smelly, rotten blighters. Why would he want to get one of THEM?
Okay, fine, we were the only ones available! I hope you're satisfied, marm!

Query #3
Dear Clecky and Gerul,
What is the secret of the universe? HIDE ME! THE CIA IS COMING! Is that really a pepsi you're drinking? Or is it a zzzzzzzzzip! PEPSI TWIST!?

Question just for Gerul:

From, Chesk Otter

Dear Chesk,
You bet your tail that's a Pepsi Twist, sah! And I'm not really Clecky, don'cha know, I'm *ZZZZZZZZIP!* Slagar the Cruel! Bwahaha! No, not really. Actually, we don't have commercials for bally beverages of the carbonated variety in the Dark Forest, so... that just goes t' show you how far such references travel, wot? Oh, Gerul, here's a question for you!

Me dear ould mother said "WHO" a lot. Not one of her wisest sayin's, for sure, but none less valuable!

Query #4
I have a few questions.first of all what is the meaning of jlasfbvhkb?by thw way I am accusing you of being a pokemon. also is that true about slagar(i have a feeling its just a joke)?
Fuzzy Lumpkins

Dear Lump,
Wozzat? You suspect us of LYIN' to you, sah? Why, we would never say something of that sort in jest, wot? Especially not on a blinkin' advice collumn run by dead animals. Anyways, the meaning of jlasfbvhkb is "Clecky can scoff whenever the jolly mood strikes him", I hope. As for accusing me of being a Pokemon, I can't imagine anything more unfounded, ridiculous, or...

Gerul! Gerul!


Query #5
Dear Clecky
Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! I miss Slagar. He...was the best fr-fr-freind I ever had! Why di it have to happen?! There's so much injustice in this world! Cl-Cleky?.....I need a hug! Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! *Dad, pull yourself together!* Your right,Veil. Sorry Clecky sir, and you Gerul. It's just, well... I've heard some bad news. There was a fight at the Dark Forest Cafeteria. Slagar got hit by a ton of meatlof! He's gonn'a die a second time! Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
Swartt Sixclaw

Dear Swartt,
Unfortunately, that "Meatloaf incident" is just a flippin' rumor. Slagar is still very much alive... er, well, as alive as a dead chap can be, wot?

Query #6
Dear Clecky,
You may not rememeber me but I'm that wave vermin that you killed on Samparta... I think we had a miscommunication...I said "stripe me". Did you mistakenly think I said "kill me"? Or am I missing an interpretation of what stripe me means....I just said it so I would fit in with the other wave vermin. I always assumed it meant something like the sort of a badger stripe as in "give me a badger stripe" (hence 'stripe me') though how you would've done that is beyond me. Anyway, I just wanted to clear this up...I will rest in peace a lot easier now when this is all cleared up.

Nameless Wave Vermin H (Deceased)
P.S. I was not cheating!

Dear Nameless,
Gee, I'm sorry, old lad... I could've sworn you said "kill me". And here, you only wanted a bally badger stripe... *sniff* Now I feel just awful about all this. I slayed a pore, stripeless, nameless chap!

But it is true what me mother said, a name is worth a thousand words, even if it's only five letters long! Aye, an' she also said that if ye haven't got a name, ye haven't got fame, because what's the press gonna call yeh?

Your "ould mother" was a card, my good barnowl bucko...

Query #7
Dear Clecky (and Gerul),
I would only come to a hare for this kind of question. I have been trying to eat a B-2 stealth bomber and can't seem to fit it all in my mouth at once. Can you help me?

Kid who wants to eat a B-2 (K.W.W.T.E.A.B-2)

Dear Long Acronym,
You came to the right person, wot? Just eat scoff the blinkin' scoff one scoffin' bite at a time. Others may scoff at such a method, but take it from a champion scoffer, it'll work!

Ah, me ould mother had nothin' on stealth bombers, but this she did say, Clecky. Hares are scoffbags!

Query #8
Dear Gerul and Clecky,
I've got a huge problem. My feather's are falling out, and it's not even molting time yet! I'll freeze this winter if something isn't done! Help me!
Soon to be featherless

Dear Almost Featherless,
I'm afraid I don't know much about feathers, my good friend, but I do have a feathered friend who can help you!

As me ould mother would say, if your feathers are falling, and the snow's ready to follow, you're royally screwed.


Query #9
Dear Gerul,
I fink I prefer Slagar(if yer readin' this Slagar I 'ope yer notice I spelt yer name right) Anyway, Gerel, why d'yer bother wi' me mum sez this me mum sez that?

from Luna Sixclaw

Dear Luna Sixclaw,
You dirty blaggard! Threatenin' me in my very own advice collumn? Well, actually, it's Slagar's, but it's still blinkin' rude of you! Then again, you are a stinkin' vermin, so I guess I should expect as much. (And just try that head-rippin' stunt! I'll give you a kick to send you flying!)

If me ould mother saw you spellin' the name she picked for me so incorrectly, she'd peck your eyes out, she would.

Query #10
Dear Clecky,
I love chocolate bunnies!
From R dude.

Dear R dude,
If you'll pardon my sayin' so, chocolate bunnies are horrible things. And you have a lot of nerve, crunchin' on a chocolate rabbit and then mailin' me about it! I could never scoff a fellow hare, or a rabbit, for that matter... no matter how chocolately, or sugary, or deliciously crunchable, or... um, wot I meant to say was that you, sah, are a sick individual!

Query #11
To Gerul
My good, fellow deaceced Gerul! Oh my is it good to hear from you. Running an advice column eh? I once had an advice column, y'know. Called it Question Ovus, Y'Know. Well, nice to chat. Oh, yes, Bluddbeak wants a word, y'know.

Ah, Gerul laddy! Me' Novus are goin' hadder' huntin'. Want to come?

Bluddbeak and Ovus, y'know

Dear Bluddbeak an' Orvus,
ah, me good pal Clecky's lettin' me answer this 'un alone. Isn't it grand? Well, me friends, as tempting as Adder huntin' may sound, me dear ould mother would tan my feathered bottom if I were t' do so. After all, me mother always said, as tempting as Adder huntin' may sound, I'd tan your feathered bottom if you were to do so. *sniff* Bless her feathered bottom.

Would you stop talking about feathered bottoms?!

Query #12
yo yo yo my HOMIES r n DA HOUSE! how u 2 been livin? like n owl n a hare i bet, dawgz! ne wayz, i jes wanna let u 2 kno u been rippin up da web yo wid all yo kewl accentz. man i neder tthunk ne 1 could talk lik dat, yo! tru dat! or may b yo 2 fosheezy woodlanders mite say wotwot, wat ever dat means! OMG u 2 r rlly jes rockin my world, fa shizzle!

JiVe FeVeR

Dear JiVe,
...ah... um... er... the management warned me about this sort of letter... what was I supposed to do again? Oh yes. *ahem* Yo yo, my scoffbag! Clecky's in da flippin' house! Fa scoffle my noffle, word word? Peace out!

Query #13
Deark Cleckdy & dat barn owl guy
Do yous have anyk potatoes? I am needing them for choppink. Dis Dark Forest exercising is muder. Vait one monink, I'm already dead! Ishn't dat funny?
Prinshess Kurda

Dear Kurda,
Nope, we're fresh out of potatoes.

Only because you scoffed them all, ye ould windbag!

Oh, come now! A little bag of potatoes are standard fare for an After-Tea Snack, wot? Oh yes. Being dead is not funny. It's a very serious matter, and... wait, she's a ferret? HA HA HA HA HA! WHA HE HA HOO HOO HA! HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA! HA HA HA! Ha heh heh... ha ha... oh. I needed a good laugh.

A Hon Rosie yer not, Clecky. As me mother would say, thank goodness!

Query #14

...that's it? That's the whole letter? What do you mean, anyways? "How are you?" "How do you figure?" "How now brown cow?" "How about a flippin' feast in Clecky's honor?" For safety's sake, I'll assume you meant the latter. You're a jolly nice chap, wot?

Query #15
Dear Clecky and Gerul,
You still didn't tell me what the secret of the universe is. Also, WHERE HAVE ALL THE COOKIES GONE?!

Another question just for Gerul:
Mr. Owl? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-roll pop?

Chesk Otter

Dear Chesk,
The secret of the universe? Why, it's the location of the missing cookies. And no, I didn't scoff them. That's a dirty lie, sah!

Well, let's find out. One... *lick* Two-hoo! *lick* Three... *crunch* Three. As me ould mother would say, consider yoreself tricked. I'll bet ye never expected that one, hmm?

Query #16
Querido Clecky,
¿Tú y Gerul hablan español? Si sí, ¿por que no escriben español en las cartas? Si no, ¡tú puedes ir a comer un pez!

Con Amor (o no),
Tu amigo de españa

Cher ami de l'Espagne,
non, je ne peux pas parler espagnol. Mais je ne veux pas manger un poisson, ce qui? J'ai juste mangé une grande quantité de nourriture. D'ailleurs, arrêt m'envoyant des lettres dans la langue espagnole. Vous m'incitez à les traduire, et je ne l'aime pas, vous créature méchante.

Ma vieille mère a dit qu'un hibou qui n'est pas appris dans beaucoup de langues n'est pas bilingue.

Query #17
Dear Clecky (and Gerul),
I'm just doing routine advice column inspections. You will need to answer these questions:

1. Do you have a clearly approved opperating liscense?
2. How much toast has been consumed scince the opening of the column?
3. What happened to Slagar? Did he die again?
4. Name three of your relatives.
5. If a fly flew into Holy water, would the water be defiled, or the fly sanctified?
Advice Advisor

Dear Advice Advisor,
isn't your title slightly redundant, sah? Well, in any case...

1. I have a license... to SCOFF.
2. Toasted what, wot wot?
3. Can you READ?!?! How many times has it been repeated now?
4. My mater, my pater, and my grandsire.
5. ...this has to do with advice collumns?

Query #18
Dear Clecky an' Gerul,
How d'yer HURT a deadbeast? An' why th 'eck d'yer always say"If me ould mother saw you spellin' the name she picked for me so incorrectly, she'd peck your eyes out, she would"? An' yer din't answer me question. WHY DO YER ALLWAYS SAY, ME MITHER SEZ THIS ME MITHER SEZ THAT!!?!? Its a waste o' time, I think!!
from Luna Sixclaw

Dear Luna,
Gerul never said anything about his "mither sez this". Wot in the blazes is a mither, anyways? I can't understand a blinkin' word you're spoutin' when you use that thick varmint accent. Why can't you speak in a flippin' regular fashion like me an' Gerul, wot wot?

Query #19
Dear Clecky,
I find that mose of your comical responses are either very lame, or spleen-bustingly funny. Can't you just find a happy median? My spleen can't take much more!

Ouch My Side

Dear Ouch,
Yes, those mose responses are always one way or the other, wot? Luckily, MOST of my comical responses are very indeed, wouldn't y' say, lad?

That response sounded a lot like the old advice-giver's responses, Clecky. Me ould mother would say it's a sign... *winkwink*

Query #20
Dear Clecky and Gerul,
I know of the burden which you carry... for once, it was MY burden. Finally, however, it grew too heavy, driving me to abandon the collumn, and seek another life. I soon learned, however, that you two had taken over... that you had stolen the collumn once filled with my wisdom, turning it into a den of stupid jokes and colored text. Well, no more. I am coming back to reclaim what is rightfully mine!

Hey, this blighter forgot to give us his name. Who are you, my good chap?

Hmm... no way of knowing if he didn't leave his name, Clecky. Me ould mother's said it before, and I'll say it again, if you haven't got a name, you haven't got fame, because-

*sigh* No, you idiots! It was ME! You know, Slagar? The original author of this collumn? Any of this ringing a bell with you two?!

Yes, I know, you blaggard. I also knew that'd make you show y'self. Wot gives with the reappearance?

Well, it seems that the list of jobs in the Dark Forest for creatures like me is short - and most of them involve eternal pain and suffering. So, I struck a deal with the Dark Forest supervisers. I agreed to write the collumn again, on one condition...

That being...?

You'll see... you'll ALL see... bwahahaha! As for now... both of you! Get out of my sight!

Hmph! How rude. You can have the collumn, snakeface! It's been nothin' but nonsense, anyways.

As me ould mother would say, a pictures worth a thousand words, but a parting is worth but one - goodbye! Ah, and 'tis true. Goodbye, everybeast!

Good riddance... anyways, it's true, I'm back in control of "Ask Slagar". So, if you've got a question, remember: don't query a hare or an owl - ask Slagar!

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.