Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 2

Yes, that's right, you worthless bunch of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #21
Dear Slagar,
*evil laugh* I enjoy torturing people with my questions. And you are my next victim! or... something...

1. Why is it that the island of Sampetra is so tropical when it is so far north of the Northern Mountains?
2. Why does my teacher know nothing of Redwall?
3. May I have your autograph?
4. Why are people who think they're voles so annoying?
5. Why is the moon not made of cheese?

Insane, Stupid Person

Dear Insane & Stupid Person,
Your letter contains many farmiliar elements... evil laughter? It's been done. Referring to your audience as victims? Yawn. Self-depriciation? *Gag* But don't listen to MY advice about how to moderate your online personality. Nobody does. Just because I'm a fictious character from Mattimeo, nobody lets me boss them around... anyways, I will commend you for being one of the most coherent message-senders so far. ("i be a hejhog i lik ur sit alto it sux lik teh nam cheknhond KILL" grows old) Now, here's your answers.

1) It's a conspiracy. The maps in Redwall are really upside-down.
2) Whatever the reason, she must be sacraficed.
3) No.
4) Because... they're just too volish.
5) Who says it isn't? Feh. You're falling for the Martian lies! REPENT!

Question #22
Dear Slagar,
Why don't you include audio commentary by you while we read The Worst Redwall Fanfic Ever? Just like in DVD's... and include some deleted scenes and interviews with the main characters while you're at it. And a theatrical trailer for good measure.

Dear Rollo,
I think that what you're suffering from is DVD syndrome. The cure? Death. I'll be happy to treat you...

Question #23
Dear Slagar,
Do you ever plan to take over Redwall? Because I think it's about time those goodbeasts got kicked out. You would make the perfect ruler. ~An Admirer

Dear Admirer,
Do you think flattery will work on me??? Because it won't! The unvarnished TRUTH (like what is expressed in your letter), however, is appreciated. Oh, what's this? It seems that, because you're the 23rd writer, you've won $10,000! Congratulations! Boy, what a coincidence, huh?

NOTE: you didn't really win anything. But Slagar likes you! Isn't that a prize in itself? Oh well...

Question #24
Dear Slagar,
Why are there pictures of Tails the fox all over this website?
The hedgehog who can calm your gagnation.

Dear Hog,
Normally, I would simply threaten to bash your thick skull in for asking such a stupid question. Unfortunately, STC would like to make a statement on this matter.

That's not Tails. It's a Tails "sprite" with an added Slagar mask and a subtracted tail. It's meant to resemble a short, funny-looking Slagar clone, and in addition to using it as site decor, I occasionally use it as a digital visual representation. Got it? Now, back to When Evil Hooded Foxes Impersonate Characters They Based Themselves On - III...

Question #25
Dear Slagar,
Hi, it's me, Auma! Oh, I know your answer is going to be "I don't care", or "no", but I want to tell you how much I've grown. I can pick up that huge oak table now... Uh, anyway, back to my question. Would you come to my dinner party tonight?

Sincerely, Auma

P.S: I hope you don't mind dismembered fox, er... trifles and pasties for dinner.

P.P.S: Stop being mean to poor Baby Rollo!

Dear Auma,
I remember you. Strange little badger slave, right? Anyways, the answers to your statements (in order) are: "I don't care", "I don't care", "No", "I don't care", and "No". By the way, be careful what you drink at that dinner party of yours. >=)

Question #26
Dear Slagar,
I think that my youngest daughter (Moonblossum) was stolen to be sold into slavery by eather by your first cousin, or your brother. It was not your seconed cosin. I saw a picture of you once, and he looked exaclty like that, and a second cousin would probably not resemble you that closly. I know it is not you, because you have an advice collumn. Can you please get my daughter back?


P.S. Long live the radioactive mouse!

Dear Childless,
I don't have a brother, but it might be my cousin, Steeve the Nasty. He's a pretty small time slaver, but he might be responsible. I started to call him, so I could reason with him, and possibly free your daughter. But then it hit me: Steeve has an advice collumn too! "Steeve the Nasty's Helpful Hints", I believe. So it COULDN'T be him, right? It was you, after all, who said it was impossible for an advice-writer to steal a child, eh? So I hung up. Sorry, Childless. Another thing: long live the radioactive mouse? With a glow like that, I don't think he has long to live...

Question #27
Dear Slagar,
I will take your advice and find someway to modify my on-line personality if that is at all possible. (Considering I'm both insane and stupid, this could prove to be a challenge.) Thank you for your commendation on my coherency. In reply to your answers to my previous questions: Thank you for telling me about the Redwall maps...; My teacher is not a he and cannot be sacrificed with out people taking legal action against me; Ok, so I can't have your autograph; Volish people must die; Please forgive my ignorance in saying that the moon was not made of cheese.
Now, I have a few more questions I'd like to ask:
1. Do you find bliss in ignorance?
2. Do you think plastic surgery could repair your face?
3. What just walked past my window?
4. Why do they call them dandelions when they aren't dandy or resemble lions?
5. Do my questions annoy you?
Yes, this has turned out to be a rather long message, hasn't it? My apologies. -Insane, Stupid Person

Dear Insane & Stupid Person,
I'm glad you decided to take my advice in regards to your personality. This is, after all, an ADVICE collumn, as much as SOME people like to forget it... anyways, don't let being insane and/or stupid get in the way of your accomplishments. It seems everyone but me is faced with these obstacles, yet they are able to overcome them. I didn't say your teacher was a "he". Quite the opposite, really. I'm glad you're still literate, and courteous, by the look of your apologies. So, here are a few more answers...

1. No. But apparently most people do, as they indulge in it.
2. Heck, who said I WANTED to fix my face? It's scary. Scary is good for a villain.
3. Get down and stay quiet...
4. Long ago, a lion cut his paw on a rock. The blood droplets spilled to the ground as he said, "Well, that's just dandy!" Soon, dandelions sprouted up from the ground. And that's why the sun sets in the west. At least, that's what this book of fables says.
5. If I said "yes", would you stop asking them?

Well, that wraps that message up. But why do I have a feeling you'll... strike again?!

Question #28
Dear Slagaw,
I am a big, stwong, bad, wawwiow mouse dibbun. I hate always having to take baths and eat my veggies. I want to be a murdewin', evil, smelly, wotten, ugly, sly, sometimes stupid, slimy, bad, dirty, dumb, toothless, vermin just like you! So I think I am going to wun away from Wedwall, and join up with you! We can be best pawtner buddies fighting wuthlessly in battle side by side. I alweady have a wooden swowd that my fathew made fow me. So may I pleeeeeeeeeeez join up with you.

From a gweat wawwior who might even be bettew than you.

Dear "Wawwiow",
...are you kidding? Please tell me you're joking... you're joking, right? Hahaha... you're not joking? ... Kid, you need to find a better role model.

Question #29
Dear Slagaw,
Deaw Slagaw,
Slagaw! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez! If I eat one more icky gween thing I'll die! And in weply to you saying I need to find a bettew wole model, that's why it has to be you. You awe the wowst wole model in the wowld. Pleeeeeeeeez! Atleast let me show you how gweat a wawwior I am.
Not from a wawwior, I never said that. This is fwom a "wawwior"!
Wahhhhhhhh!!! I can't say it! All the othew dibbuns make fun of the the way I talk. Pleeeez Slagaw. I can't stand it hewe. I think I was supposed to be a fox but the stowk dropped me in the wwong place.
Fwom a gweat wa... i mean... fightew.

Dear "Fightew",
Sorry. You can't join my band, no matter how great a warrior you are. Why? Because me and my band are technically... dead. But it isn't half bad up here in the Dark Forest. I'm always playing pranks on that deadbeat Martin and that infernal Matthias... oh yes, and also that champion of whininess, Mattimeo. Boy, it's a riot! And they can't kill me, because I'm already dead. Yeah, it's great up here... but I ended up being punished for my life of crime by writing this stupid advice collumn for some website in a dimension parallel to the Mossflower universe... well, moving on...

Question #30
Dear Slagar, Yes, I have struck again. My apologies for saying that my teacher is not a he. I meant to say that my teacher is not a she. I must have misread your reply to my first letter or gremlins messed up my second letter. I agree that your face is scary, and scary is very good for a villan to be. (It spices things up, don't you agree?) I still would like to know what walked past my window, but I suppose that will have to remain a mystery. No, even if you said that my questions annoyed you, I would not cease asking them. Which is why I'm writing to you once again!

1. What is the best way to wash a car: back and forth strokes, or circles?
2. Would you be so kind as to come to my school and kill a few people? You could even capture some to use as slaves.
3. Why does my brain itch?
4. Is my cat destined to become the next Tsarmina?
5. Should I get new locks for my doors incase that thing that walks by my window tries to come inside?
6. Do you have any suggestions for what to change my name to?

Thank you very much,
Insane, Stupid Person

Dear Insane & Stupid Person,
You again, huh? Well, I better get cracking on your questions...

1. I dunno... we never really had cars in Mossflower Country...
2. Sure! As soon as I come back to life and travel to your dimension, it'll be on the top of my to-do list.
3. Now, if I was anything but kindly, I'd say it had something to do with your stupidity. And I am. It has something to do with your stupidity.
4. No. She's destined to become the next Snagglepuss. "Heavens to Mergatroid!"
5. It's too late. The best thing now would be to hide with a baseball bat at your side.
6. Swiftpaw. It's original. Never been used. Honest.

Well, that wraps that mess up... wait a sec, the webmaster wants to say something...

I saw your question on Lagamorphia. Vermin Invaders' ending isn't good enough for you, HUH? How dare you not like the ending of Vermin Invaders (or lack thereof)?! I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN TO THE END OF YOUR DAYS! Actually, not really, but...

Question #31
Dear Slagar,
I am planing to be a phycologist. But for some reason they will not let me graduate college! See, I beleve the best way to solve answeres is philosophy. For example, lets say your foot heart, and you were going insane because of it. I might say, "Religion is Cheese". For some reason the college people says this will not help my pationts, more so hurt them. So, they sent ME to a syciotrist! What should I do!!!?!!?!??!?!
~Mentaly Stable

Dear "Mentaly" Stable",
Why don't you learn to spell? Especially words so deeply involved with your supposed line or work?

Question #32 Dear Slagar,
Thank you ever so much for reading my letter. I'd like you to know I am the mother of my children. I live in Redwall and am truly happy. My problem is this: my adolescent daughter, Gwenfluff, has been "hangin" with the wrong crowd lately. She was always such a helpful and bright young dibbun but now she has gone astray. Her "homies", as she calls them, all wear the habits looser and more baggy than what is acceptable. Some even have cut out parts of their lovely habits to show indecent parts of their bodies! And instead of using "Hello, mother." as a greeting, she uses "What's cripplin', ma?" I am very worried for her! Please tell me what to do!
Anxious Mother in Mossflower

Dear Anxious Mother,
You're the mother of your children?! Now THERE'S a shocker... anyways, I think Gwenfluff is suffering from jive fever. The most common cure is to hang her upside-down by her feet over a vat of boiling oatmeal for 6 hours. Others include a few swift kicks in the rear and beheading.

Question #33
Dear Slagar,
How do you win a cute, handsome, and downright evil foxes' affection?
A Vixen

Dear Vixen,
Poison or otherwise assassainate some of his foes and/or rivals. And perfect a bone-chilling diabolical cackle.

Question #24
Dear Slagar,
Have you seen any Badger Lords in the Dark Forest? If you have, you've most likly been beaten up by Bloodwrath driven ones. Also, can you feel pain in the Dark Forest?


P.S. Once again, your site rocks!

Dear Silverclaw,
I've seen some Badger lords in the Dark Forest, but they didn't see me. I escape-er, "dodge their blows", too quickly. I can't feel pain anyways. Good for me when Martin is chasing me just because I wrote STUPID on his fourhead while he was sleeping, bad for me when I'm trying to kill Matthias. So it really evens out. Thanks for the compliment, BTW... although technically, I'm supposed to say "I'm Slagar from Mattimeo, 'STC' created the site", I'm tired of saying it.

Question #35
Slagar, it worked! Thank'ye!
Now my question(s). Do you have any ideas of how to entertain my fiancee's horde at our reception? I was thinking you might come over and do your "Lunar Stellarris" impression. I'll invite a few mutineers in the area for "examples". Payment: A whole family of moles we captured and great quality food. What d'ye say?

Second Question: I really love my fiancee'. Any ideas of how we can stay together without killing each other? Marital counseling? I don't want to end up like those stupid wimps Nagru and Silvamord.

Thank ye',

Dear Vixen,
Sorry, but I'm a little too tied up with this whole "death" thing to attend... perhaps you could phone up my cousin, Steeve the Nasty. He can perform a really good knife throwing act. Problem is he never misses. Whoops. Oh well, I guess you could get the mutineers to volunteer. As for your second question... I guess marital counselling might work, but... a working vermin marriage is an altogether new concept to me... again, sorry.

Question #36 Dear Slagar,
This girl made a sequel of Mattimeo and I am a character from it (you suvived the fall from the well YAY^_^).My name is Silver (what I have silver fur) and I am a vixen (and a orphan like you).The only problem is that there is another fox named Copper (he has copper fur) and I am suposed to date you or him.I can't decide!

Despert for love,violence,or whatever,

P.S.I think your cuter!(Copper:Silver and Slagar sitting in a tree...)Shut up Copper,I can hear you!!!!!

Dear Silver,
...well, now you've done it. You've gotten me completely confused and slightly disturbed. Um... er... maybe we should just forget this letter altogether. NEXT QUESTION!!!

Question #37
Dear Slacker ,
Do YOU have a sword I can borrow, if not may I have your slingshot ?
A Female Otter Blacksmith
P.S. Please don't tell my mother I talked to you ,she's Jess a squirl that stopped your slavetrain.
P.S.S. Not that I like you or your ideas.
P.S.S.S. Shouldn't you be off killing somebody?

Dear Otter,
First of all, I'll just assume that "Slacker" was a bad spelling error. As for borrowing weapons, is it okay if they come buried in somebeast's skull? Hey... wait a second, your mother is a squirrel, and you're... an otter... um... well, that's just bizzare... even if your father WAS an Otter, though, wouldn't that make you something like a "Squatter"? And if you want me to be off killing someone, I'll happily comply... starting with you and everyone you hold dear.

Question #38
Dear Slagar
I thought I saw you at the mall looking at womens under clothes? not to be rude but it might have been you.
1. Why were you in that plase anyway?
2. How did you get the burn checkerd face?
3.Why is the sky blue?
4.why is the grass green?

A girl without manners

p.s.if you`re looking for a wife go to the tanning solon down the block
p.s.again if you are getting a tatoo call me for advice I`m very good at chosing body art

Most Un-dear Girl,
...that's it. I've had it with you losers. This time I'm serious. Prepare to die.

PLEASE NOTE: Slagar really isn't serious. Actually, he loves everybody.

What are you TALKING about?! I plan to slice this nitwit into a bloody pulp!!!

Haha... that Slagar! He's such a kidder... *cough*

Question #39
Dear Slagar,
I could say a thousand thank yous and a thousand apologies to start off my letter, but I won't. Except for one. Thank you for your suggestion of changing my name to Swiftpaw. However, I didn't change my whole name to that; instead I added it into my name (see sign-off). I've been getting upset about the use of numbered lists. I started it! They're MINE MINE MINE!! *starts whacking the copycats with a spoon* Ahem, sorry about that outburst. I also have this pain in my side. This has nothing to do with the question I'm about to ask. If I were to do an interview with you for a certain Redwall e-zine, would you comply?
And by the way, although the is wonderful and the are simply heartwarming, I was hoping to win a free cruise when I reached the end of the Vermind Invaders game. Or at least a paper-back copy of Mattimeo. But I'll stick with the for now.

Thank you,
Insane, Stupid Swiftpaw Person

Dear I.S.S.P.,
*groans* YOU again! Oh great. At least you can spell. Although you didn't really ask for advice. This is an advice collumn, remember? Anyways, how could you possibly interview me for some E-zine? "I got a chance to sit down with Slagar, the dead villain from the book Mattimeo, and ask him just what's going down with his personal life"? It wouldn't work. Although I can see why you'd want to interview a slaver as evil as I am...

Oh yeah, I had to remove your comments about Vermin Invaders. Those things are confidential! For game-winners only! BTW, in regards to the E-zine... are you sure she didn't mean me? Cuz that would make more sense...

No! If she wanted to interview you you would have said that. Well, I guess that wraps up this letter. Only 399,999,961 left to go before my sentence of running this stupid collumn in the Dark Forest is lifted... *sigh*

Question #40
Dear Slager
MY mother is a otter that beat you .Sorry for calling her Jess the squirl. Now for my questions.
1.Why didn't you become a accountint ?
2. Why am I interested in ink ?
3.When a tree falls in the woods and nobodys around will it make a sound ?
4.Are you free Wensday night ?

A female otter blacksmith

Dear Okker Blagsmith,
I know I spelled your name wrong. It was intentional. I like it better this way, don't you? Anyways, here's your stupid answers.

1. Because.
2. Because.
3. Yes.
4. No.

And how DARE you call me a slacker. I'll have you know that slaving is a difficult job, and it contributes a lot more to the community than smithying.

Got a question for me to answer? I'm listening... but I don't care. Still, e-mail me your questions. I don't care if it's coming from a woodlander dibbun, a human teenager, or a vermin cheiftan. Ask me, I'm a lot smarter than you. :P

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.