Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast
I wonder if anyone notices that the beginning and ending paragraphs on these always change. Probably not, you beast-headed... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.
dear Slagar the Cruel,
i am at a loss as to what to do, the other day this nutcase of a squirrel swaggers up drenched in maple syrup cackling evilly and starts telling me about climbing trees and eating acorns. i politely pretended to be amazed and impressed. we carried on like this for a few weeks, at witch time he killed my father, usurped his place as the grand chieftain of evil, and then had his paw cut off and replaced with an iron one! since then i have ruled by his side. he also said to tell you thank you. please help me, i am in a most horrible position.
distressed squirrel maiden
Dear distressed squirrel maiden,
Would you look at that! A follow-up to an earlier "Ask Slagar" submission. This has certainly never been done before! Oh, why do I even bother with sarcasm with you numskulls? Actually, why do I bother reflecting on the ineffectiveness of sarcasm on you numskulls? I'm pretty sure this is around the eight time I've done so. Then again, it's also approximately the nine-thousandth time I've abused my audience. Anyways, squirrel, the first thing you'll want to do is LEARN HOW TO USE CAPITALIZATION. Seriously, people, is it really that hard to get right? I propose, "no". The second thing I'd suggest is to re-examine your position. You're ruling by the side of the grand chieftain of all evil? And he has metal paws? Seriously, most distressed maidens would KILL to be in your situation. Well, most vermin maidens, anyways. And they would KILL in pretty much any circumstance, come to think of it.
Dear Greatest, Perfect, Lovable, Exceedingly Cruel, All Wondrous, Painful, Destructive, Awesome and Overall Unbelievably Better Than Me,
I was just wondering what knowledge you could bestow to me of---
1.) Torture- How do you do it right?
2.) Do you know any good books on the violent murder of peaceful landowners and eternal torture of all things bright and beautiful?
3.) How did you make that mask?
4.) Does the world revolve around you (just checking)?
5.) If you could describe the greatest torturer in time, who would you choose? (I bet I already know the answer)
6.) If some human happened to be writing a message (hypothetically!) like this (hypothetically), and hadn't read the Redwall series, should this human, hypothetically, be tortured until her- I mean its organs go boom? (All hypothetical of course!)
7.) If I killed a certain reptile, A VERY CERTAIN REPTILE, what would you do? (besides kill, maim, torture or enslave me somehow)
~Yours truly, Furture Ruler and Destroyer of Everything. (Of course, if I destroy everything, there will be nothing, and thus I will rule what has been destroyed! MUHAHAHAHAcoughcough)
Nice opening! I think your excessive flattery might have just spared you the brunt of my wrathful wit. So you'll only recieve what's left over in the following replies.
1.) Make sure whoever you're torturing is still alive first. That's a pretty important part of it. But beyond that, as long as your victim suffers to the last, there is no right or wrong answer. I pity the fool who only tortures their captives in one way.
2.) Winnie the Pooh.
3.) Well, technically I didn't make the original. I stole it off of some knitting grandmother or something. But you can still make your own at home! Just take an ordinary checkered tablecloth, use scissors to cut out a piece of cloth shaped like my head, and stick it on your face after applying hot glue.
4.) Well, yes, I subscribe to the "Slagarian Theory of Astronomy", which postulates that all celestial bodies travel in an elliptical orbit around me and my whims.
5.) Winnie the Pooh.
6.) I think I'd hypothetically tell this conceptual entity to come up with some better hypothetical "Ask Slagar" questions, because these ones are boring. In theory.
7.) I would shed a bitter tear at the loss of such a certifiably certain creature. No, I kid, I shed tears for nothing. Except for onions. And tear gas. And pointed sticks.
Dear Slagar, I'm sending you a telegram. Stop. I've had my mushrooms stolen by a badger. Stop. I repeat, a badger. Stop. A badger. Stop. Badger, badger, badger. Stop. And he travels with a snake. Stop. A snake, oooooh a snake. Stop. Is there a force in this world that can stop such a terwible tandem? Stop. Yours truly. Stop. Rickson Robbers.
Dear Rick Robbers,
You are terrible at writing letters. Stop. You seem to be going around spelling the word "terrible" as "terwible". Stop. If you are trying to be funny, you are failing. Stop. It agitates me that you are still living. Stop. Actually, just stop in general, Rickson Robbers. Yeah, just... just stop.
I am a GROWN bankvole named Rollo. Remember me, from the very first Ask Slagar? I used to be a baby bankvole named Rollo but now I am not. I solved my own problem. I roasted anyone who said I was crazy alive. But YOU didn't help me! And guess what? I DON'T LIKE THAT!!! So now, pretty much I'm after your blood. Oho, you say. WHat could a little pipsqueak of a once- baby bankvole that I MADE FUN OF FOR ALL THOSE DEAR SLAGAR QUESTIONS do to hurt moi, Slagar the Cruel? Well, I have some news for you. I just completely... lost... all of my nerve, sorry, please don't hurt me!!!
Dear so-called GROWN-UP Rollo,
I must say, this is a surprise! Not that you've miraculously returned to the column, since you did that not too long ago on Page 14. Using your original nom de plume and e-mail address, no less. No, what astounds me is that in the span of a few months you've reached adulthood, changed your address, and completely altered your behavior. What I'm getting at, Grown-up Rollo, is that you are a complete fraud and you are not fooling anybody. Except for the fools who read my column. You fools. Fun fact: I have now used the word "fool" 29 times in this column. Well, actually that last one made it 30. How delightful! This calls for a celebratory game of "Fake-Rollo-Never-Speaks-Again-Ever".
I'm considering posing for a portrait for this upcoming issue of Ferrets magazine. The problem is, it's being done by Ruffles McGineon. Now Ruffles is supposed to be the finest hedgehog painter in the world, but I recently picked up an issue of Foxtrot magazine where he did a profile of you and I wasn't impressed. He gave you goldish fur and put Juska markings on your mask. At the bottom of the painting the identification caption said "Slagan Bor". Did you pose for this obvious abomination? And if so, how could Ruffles get you so wrong? I don't want to end up as Kurda Rath or some tripe like that.
Not so sincerely but sincerely enough,
P.S. I loved the interview in the article where you gave 5 tips on how to displease your slaves.
Dear Sawney Rath,
Hey, it's good to hear from you! Feels like it's been a while. How are the wife and prophetically ordained incredibly powerful yet somehow renegade and morally inclined otter pups? Great, great. So... wait, this Rumple McJenkins guy painted some kind of bizarre amalgamation of Ruggan Bor and me? I honestly had no idea that such tomfoolery was afoot. I mean, I don't even remember being interviewed for Foxtrot magazine. It's a horrible publication in the first place... about 80% of the pages are wasted upon ads for Plugg's Tail-glue. Which, since everyone in the Dark Forest but Plugg Firetail can just sort of manually reattach their tails (being dead and noncorporeal), is a shameful waste of Dark Paper. They probably just instructed this Ruffcastle McCormick guy to project some of my dashing features onto that self-absorbed poseur Ruggan Bor in order to boost their sales with the swooning vixen demographic. You know, since they all want me. Despite my hideous shredded visage. Ultimately, Sawney, I would advice you to rip off both of Rusty McDonald's paws as soon as possible... which he will reattach, being dead and noncorporeal, but it will still let him know who's boss. Me, I mean. I am boss. Worship me, you fools. And send more letters.
What's your anti-drug?
Curious in Connecticut,
D.A.R.E. DEAR Curious,
The answer to this question is twofold. My first "anti-drug" would probably be my incredible blend of cunning, insight, and just a dash of ineffable genius, which allows me to grasp the fact that drugs do nothing but wreck your mind until you THINK you're "happy" or "high" or "turning Japanese" or whatever, but really it has just made you so stupid that you forgot what misery MEANS. I'll be happy to educate you all on that subject, by the way. My second "anti-drug" would be my knowledge that "drugs" do not exist in any potent isolated form in my world. Which sort of ties into my first one, I suppose.
BABY BANKVOLE NAMED ROLLO!!!
WORST "ASK SLAGAR" SUBMISSION EVER!!!
well i am badtail here is a list because you hate lists and i like cheese and annoyin you
1.will superstripe ever lose
2. why are you ending SlagarC2C and Ask Slagar
3. can you tell me how you are going to keep this site alive after SlagarC2C shuts down are you just keeping the games?
4. Can you tell my father that he is stupid and i am going to destroy.... oh yeah I already did destroy redwall
5. Muahahahahahaha soon i will control PSSLAGAR
6. Do you really like damsontongue i mean its all over the news
Actually, I take back my response to #267. "Worst 'Ask Slagar' submission ever" is such a strong word for a letter, considering that so many "Ask Slagar" submissions posess toxic levels of stupidity. Take, for example, this simpleton "badtail"'s letter. Normally I would simply ignore it (because it broke some of the rules for submitting a question, and because this is my column and I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT). I have decided instead, however, to walk you, the casual viewer, through this sap's inquiries and point out where exactly he went wrong (skipping over the glaring spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors in the interest of time):
- The introduction: Why are you telling me these things? It is already obvious that I am annoyed by idiots, including those who send me "lists" of questions, as it has been discussed at length over the past few hundred answers. Furthermore, nobody cares about your advocacy of dairy products. As a rule, nobody should ever make off-topic "random" references to foodstuffs. Seriously, it's been done so many times that it's not even incongruous anymore.
- Question 1 - Here badtail assumes that I know the future of one "superstripe". Heck, or the IDENTITY of one "superstripe". I'm not some kind of future-foreseer, people. Or some kind of person who actually reads the content of this website. Which brings me to my next point:
- Question 2 - I AM SLAGAR FROM MATTIMEO LIKE AS IN THE CHARACTER FROM THE BOOK, YOU IDIOT, NOT THE ONE WHO RUNS THIS WEBSITE. I've explained this so many times that I cannot even fathom a response that would be sufficiently hyperbolic. I even made the guy who actually does run this website institute a ban on questions from anyone who fails to notice this, and yet you continue to send me this infuriating tripe.
- Question 3 - See Question 2. Also see every e-mail consisting of "HEY SLAGAR YU AR MIDEVAL FOKS HOW DO U BEET SCOUTOF SALAAMISTROANT" that gets summarily deleted according to my demands.
- Question 4 - This question fails for answering itself and making no bloody sense.
- Question 5 - It's not a question, it's not addressed to the right person... what IS it, anyways? That is the REAL question here. And the answer is "terrible".
- Question 6 - Your last and perhaps greatest mistake: trivializing the unspoken love between Shang Damsontongue and I. Kindly never sully the English language with your brainless mock-sentences ever again.
I think it would be very hard to read letters in the dark forest. How do you manage such an amazing task? Is it your wit? Charm? Devil may care attitude?
It's called candlelight, you fool. Or have you been too busy throwing tea parties to discover fire?
I have recently been betrayed by a group of worthless underlings who thought that I stood in the way of their conquest of Mossflower. Now that I'm dead, I find myself solely concerned with matters of vengeance. What would be the most painful thing I could do to them, short of extracting their claws and teeth with a pair or rusty pliers?
Dear Yecats Silverafte,
"Yecats Silverafte"? That might just be up there with "Sandingomm" and "Zuffa Watertail" on the ranking of terrible names. So, you'd like to know how best to exact vengeance on... some... underlings. Right. I'm thinking you could stand to have narrowed it down a bit. Maybe you could sell their kids into slavery? Murder their mentors? I don't know, just rattling off some miscellaneous general solutions. But you see, Ye olde cats, the world doesn't squirm to the pace of just one scum. What might be wrong for them, might not be wrong for some. It takes different strikes to pain the world!
Help my friends and I settle a fierce debate that has been raging for eons. Who would win in a fight between you, Kazuma and Cluny the Scourge?
Clever name! And such a pertinent, meaningful question. This letter isn't a horrible waste of my time AT ALL. I mean, I TOTALLY know who Kazuma is and how his powers stack up to Cluny's and my own. You did the right thing sending your question about who would win in a fight between me, Cluny, and Kazuma into "Ask Slagar", where that sort of contemplation obviously belongs. I must say, I enjoyed reading your letter greatly, Lee! I was in ecstasy each time my eyes passed over another of your expertly crafted sentences. By the time I was finished reading this letter, the only thought on my mind was this: "if Sincer Lee can cram this much ineffably powerful sentiment into two sentences, imagine what he could have done with a third!" Only idle conjecture, of course - I would not ask you to alter a single letter of this, the greatest piece of prose ever formulated. Thousands of seasons after your death, scholars will still be examining your letter, dissecting and analyzing its each iota. I have no doubt that entire academic curricula shall be constructed around topics such as whether the omission of "Dear" in your work's invocation of me was meant as a subversive critique of formal literary decorum, or as much deeper commentary on the perpetual societal cycle of disrespect and political failure.
(For those of you who have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for the past 200 words or so, skip ahead a bit, I have a little more sarcasm that I want to work in before I tear the guy apart.)
I mean, it is such an honor that you would have even thought of me when crafting this literary genius, but... to make me a part of it? To actually grant me the privilege to premiere this masterpiece in my column? To acknowledge me alongside other greats such as Cluny the Scourge and Kazuma amidst your rich textual tapestry? May I just say, Lee, that I am deeply indebted to your merciful greatness. You are far too kind to me... no, to all who read your works. No mind is truly worthy to absorb the unmistakable wit, the insurmountable truth, and the unequivocally divine wisdom exhibited in this work. Yet still, you give. You give and give, blessing the intellectual hoi polloi that is the universe's collective body of sentient life with your unrivaled vision. You defy praise. You are a god.
That being said, to answer your question: I don't know, nobody cares, soak your head in a vat of acid you fool.
But before I proceed, I have some last minute questions to append to my column's running total.
The lost page 6 of the column has long been omitted from the question count based on the lack of my involvement, and the obvious subpar quality that implies. No more! I hereby catapult "Ask Slagar" an entire page forward, setting the current question at 291 questions.
But wait! Remember that one time when I answered five more questions than usual in commemoration of some ridiculous Autumn festival of morbidity? Come on, that was really clever stuff, I perfected a different European accent and everything. Does my audience's capacity for knowledge retention know no limits? Negative ones, I mean. The bad kind. Anyways, that sets us at 296 questions.
And for sheer bravery and pure love, plus that one question that I didn't count because it contained nothing that could possibly be construed as a question throughout, I bump the total up to 297 questions. Then I set it back to 296 because what do you fools know about revising an advice column's numbering? You're fools, after all. You wouldn't make it through five questions in this business!
Oh yeah, in case I haven't mentioned this already, I've found a way to get out of this infernal advice column once and for all, so I'm going to stop answering questions when I get to #300. So, just as a heads-up, that was probably the last time I'll ever have called you all "fools". From here on out you'll need to find the insult and abuse necessary to satiate your sadomasochist urges on your own. Don't worry, considering how terrible you all are, there should be no shortage of willing sources.
I own an archery range in the Dark Forest. Unfortunately, business hasn't been up to snuff. First, there was the unfortunate (but only from a business standpoint) accident involving Baby Rollo wandering in front of a bullseye while I was shooting, and then, no one but me seems to be any good. I try to teach them how not to suck, but they keep sucking. How can people (or rather, good beasts and bad beasts) stop sucking?
I've got you in my sights,
...that's it? How in the Hellgates did this one make it into my final four questions?! Come on, this is the last chapter in an almost-five-year journey through interactive condescension. Millions of my fans weep freely even now, as their feeble minds are slowly overtaken with the grave realization that they will never again be presented with the chance to touch base with the greatest literary antagonist of all time. It is possible that a few will muster enough willpower to carry on, holding onto the hope that at least those final four questions will reveal to them new aspects of my greatness, one last time... and what will they be greeted with right off the bat? "DEAR SLAGAR, IT IS I, SOMEWHAT NOTEWORTHY NEMESIS OF REDWALL. LOOK, I'M MENTIONING ONE OF THE COLUMN'S RUNNING GAGS. AREN'T PEOPLE STUPID? TELL SAID PEOPLE HOW TO BE LESS STUPID."
Is it even possible for me to approach this in a mildly original way? What, should I just dissect the oversights you made in submitting a question? That's pretty much the oldest approach to replying in the book, Vallug. Just be glad that I'm not signing off with mocking semi-relevant wordplay, you bow-wielding buffoon.
That was either surprisingly profound or incredibly stupid. Profoundly stupid, perhaps? Let's go with that. Soak your head in a vat of acid, you avant garde, stuffed-shirt, pompous twit.
I'd like you to carry out the items on this list (since I know you love lists)
1. Shoot on Martin the Warrior. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Unless you don't know your wrestling terminology.
2. Talk about how, despite the fact that you started out this column heel, your audience turned you face. Do you feel that was detrimental to your ability to be amusing, or do you feel that it only allowed people to find you funnier?
3. I'll break kayfabe right now and say that this was probably my favorite feature of your site when it was at its peak. You've dropped a lot of hints lately that the column might be coming to an end. Even though it was supposed to be an eternal punishment, are you the slightest bit disappointed that it may be coming to an end?
4. I broke kayfabe on the above list item. A lot of people did that over the course of the column. Even you did it occasionally. Did you feel that blurred line (which you always maintained you hoped would become clear) adds or subtracts from your ability to be funny?
5. I used a lot of wrestling terminology in this list. Talk about how underrated wrestling terminology is.
6. Discuss why I'm better than you.
~Boar the Fighter
Dear ABHOR the BLIGHTER,
Somehow I knew that I'd be seeing your ugly face again before the end, badger... I suppose my pre-emptive urge to vomit was what tipped me off. So I trust you've noticed my latest intentional misspelling of your name? Perhaps you'd like to counter my alteration of your name with - oh wait, the column's over! MUAHAHAHA! The final blow is MINE, you sorry stripedog! So, apparently "wrestling terminology" has wholly consumed your once passable vocabulary over the past year or so. Oh, how the mediocre have fallen! In the interest of defying convention while I still have the time to do so, I will not simply interpret your obscure slang literally while remarking upon my confusion. Instead, I have actually researched the rich lexicon of wrestling - or as it is better known, the wrexicon - and I'm going to really answer your questions. For old times sake.
- Shoot, n. - to talk trash on. Okay, Martin the Warrior is a condescending control-freak whose only support comes from those too afraid to challenge his self-important ways. This group does not include me, however, so I refuse to entertain the delusion that his quest directions are any good. I mean, Horky and Spriggle or whatever their names were, they never found a cure for paralysis, did they? Not to mention that small band of adventurers that set out to retrieve the cap of Gonff and ended up on the North Coast. True story. It's not that great, by the way. The North Coast, I mean.
- Heel, adj. - a bad guy. Face, adj. - a good guy. So what are you saying here? Perhaps you're implying that working this column has made me "soft"? This is clearly untrue, considering that I DESPISE YOU, YOU WRETCHED WRESTLING-TERM-USING WORM THAT IN A CONTEST OF GREATNESS WOULD GET A LESS-THAN-LAST-PLACE RIBBON FOR DOING SO BADLY. See? I've still got it... but I don't think that's what you were getting at. Perhaps you're suggesting that my audience has come to view me in too pleasant a light over the years... a claim I'll admit has merit, despite my having the worst intentions throughout. Can it be? Has the mighty Slagar the Cruel been refaced? Oh well, looking back I suppose it was for the best. It seemed to decrease the number of invitations to join miscellaneous hordes I received, anyways.
- Kayfabe, n. - the portrayal of staged events as real. What an abominable word! In fact, you know what, I'm not even reading the rest of this question, because it is possible that you used that word again somewhere. I'll just have to place faith in your NOT referencing Project S.L.A.G.A.R. anywhere within it, and in accordance I will NOT delete it summarily, as is customary in such situations.
- Aghh! The word, it remains! I demand that this kayfabery cease at once, even if it means actually answering your question. You know, to resolve the issue once and for all. This logic is completely rational, of course. No, the increasingly blurred line between the real world and the lovably fictitious world of these so-called "human" characters did nothing for me. As evidenced by the whole immediate deletion policy I had going. There's nothing I hated more than the verisimilitude of my Redwall villain
shtick reality being ruined by anything but the most medieval of e-mails! Though irony is a close second, I can't stand that stuff. And Redwall, I guess. They're pretty uncool in my book.
- I think I've already covered this to the point it deserves.
- See above.
The Last Question
You don't know me, and I seriously doubt that we ever would meet. You see, we are not from the same world. However, through some twist of fate, I discovered your advice column, and figured I had to write to it at least once, and that I had to pretty soon because I've heard rumours that you will soon no longer be bound by this ironic Dark Forest contract that you so despise. I mean, after the officials say you've served that punishment long enough, who knows how long it will be before everyone's favourite vulpine slaver reappears again in cyberspace?
But I apologize; this is "Ask Slagar" after all, not "send Slagar long introductory paragraphs." The main question I had was just this: after the Dark Forest officials decide that you no longer need to man the column or talk show, what will become of you? You have stated many times in frustration that you are not the ultimate authority on the way the Dark Forest is run, but I figured you'd know this, at least, because I thought the Dark Forest was supposed to dole out eternal punishment to vermin, whereas they seem to be letting you off the hook.
But if you don't know, it's fine. I was just wondering. I hope that whatever your next assignment is (assuming they give you one, of course), it will feature fewer people whose heads you will continually wish to be soaked in vats of acid.
--Thok of the Bloody Horns-'n'-Tusks
Are you sure I don't know you? I mean, it seems rather unlikely that we've met before, what with the world-barrier and all, but you strike me as strangely... familiar. In fact, I'm almost positive that I've received a letter from you before... I think it went something like the following:
Thok go through shiny hole.
Then me fall down, but me good.
Me find many good things to eat.
We find village.
We mash them and eat their food.
Thok stop now.
Head hurt from write.
I also seem to recall the involvement of unearthly tribal hollers, such as "HUUAAAAAARRRRRGH", "YEEEAOOOBJOOORRRRN", and "BBBBBBBBORT". As unlikely as it may seem, and though I am but a foxthief of Mossflower... of world-spanning infamy, no less... I am sure that I've read such a letter before. Perhaps your early literary prowess echoes throughout all of time and space, fusing with all minds great enough to perceive it. Or maybe he's your brother or something. You know, because brothers sometimes have the same name, I guess? Never mind. In any case, this primal link that exists enigmatically between us has forced me to set aside my violent, conceited nature and consider your inquiry with a mind free of selfishness and prejudice.
That was fun! Okay, so back to considering your question as the unerring mastermind that I am. Yes, your suspicions are correct: the column's demise is imminent. And you're right, of course, in assuming that I am directly violating the regulations of the afterlife by throwing off my reigns of servitude. But think about who you're talking to, Thok old boy - it's me, Slagar the Cruel, lord of light and death, master of up and down, and so forth. I do, in fact, have a plan in mind that will ensure my continued existence as dominant being of the multiverse. I will reveal this ingenious final scheme in the upcoming 10th episode of my talkshow, which I believe is broadcast at some point in time on a transmitted "channel" of sorts. You'll have to look that one up for yourself, I guess. But trust me, I've still got some life (figuratively speaking) left under my hood. In fact, I daresay you'll be seeing a lot... MORE of me... in the near future. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I wish you guys knew my ultimate plan for revenge, because it would make that last pun a lot more amusing. Regardless, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!
Got a question for me to answer? Too late! Yes, that's it for "Ask Slagar"! I'd say that it's been fun, that I'll miss all of you, that I hope you've all enjoyed the ride, that I think we can all take something meaningful away from this experience with us... if any of those things were true. In truth, the knowledge that I will never have to see another numbered list ALONE provides more euphoria to me than I can ever convey. I just hope that I've worsened all of your pitiful meaningless lives through my replies, because believe me, you all deserved it. The End. See you never, losers!
Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.