Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 9

Yes, that's right, you flea-bitten crowd of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #141
I like the mask; however, it looks goony on the cover of Matameo. WHY did you let them take a awful piccy like THAT?! Well, you still have a nice tail, shiny...
Yer's in shinytailness,

Dear Valer,
I don't know. Maybe I should go ask them WHY I let them take an awful piccy like THAT!! Honestly, though, why in the world do you modern whelps say stuff like "piccy"? Is the word "picture" too cumbersome for you? But as for the picture, they didn't "take" anthing. It's an artistic interpretation, and it's fine for what it's worth. Although they didn't quite translate my devilish good looks into the illustration...

Question #142
Dear Slagar:
I have a love life problem. There's this guy who's a total beefcake who is in some of my classes. Recently he's been sitting nearer to me for no apparent reason and has consistently sat behind me in Biology. I have no problem with this, since he makes me swoon *swoon* but, he's been trying to flirt with me by blowing in my ear and other things. This STILL isn't the probelm. The core of it all was that I was a rather shy person and am now just beginning to let myself go around other people other than my friends, so, I don't know how to flirt back! Its rather sad and I wish I could, because he's as cute as the dickens and we like the same kind of music (The Police-"Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" YEAH!) but I feel that I can't show me attraction to him since I don't know how to flirt! Please Slagar, tell me some flirting tricks that will get him salivating! And don't tell me to go out and lead a vermin horde or any such medieval thing! Tell me something practical for today's day and age!
At Lost With Love

Dear Lost,
A guy who's also a beefcake? What, was there some kind of accident at the food-processing plant? Just go out and lead a vermin horde, or any such medieval thing, and everything will be just - oh. Right. Well... how would "today's hip and happenin' youngsters" say it? Uh... "That guy's blowin' in yo ear? Fo' shame! Don't go there girlfriend! Mmhmm! *snap snap snap*" Okay. That was terrible. Somebody needs to make an English/Hip-and-happening-youngster dictionary, or something.

Question #143
What is the reason of slagar wear a mask?

The reason of slagar wear a mask is hide to his face for great surprise and climax of book then. The way by, translator of your use to be English-sound not is good one, yes?

Question #144
Dear Slagar,
I've got a series of questions for you,
1) What was with being maimed by meatloaf?
2) Do you have anything against Hamtaro?
3) what kind of stuff do you give for Christmas?
4) Are you friends with Cluny?
5) Will the world ever implode?
6) Do you ever wear anything but your mask like a tie or pants?

Mad Eyes

Dear Mad Eyes (or so you say),
I've got a series of answers for you,
1) Nothing was "with" it because it never happened.
2) Besides the fact that he's still alive?
3) Well, it depends on how much I like the person. Sometimes I'll give people the heads of their siblings on poles... and on the other side of the spectrum, I send complimentary towels to the people I DON'T like.
4) Yeah, he's okay. When his stupid tail isn't knocking my furniture over.
5) Every time I read letters like yours, I hope the answer is yes, and soon.
6) You people and your pointlessly mundane questions...

Question #145
Dear Slagar,
You'll excuse my asking, but 1)Has anyone ever compared you to Erik from Phantom of the Opera? and 2)If so, how do you feel about it, and if not, do you like coconuts?
Bubonic Woodchuck

Dear Chuck,
1) No. 2) No.
Wow, that was quick. And relatively painless. Thanks for giving me such an easy way to opt out of objectively answering your question, Chuck.

Question #146
Dear Slagar:
You know that wife of mine, Bluefen? Well, lately she's been appearing everywhere I go, screaming at me and putting her hands into my guts. It's getting extremely nasty. What should I do?
From: A very agitated Swartt

Dear Swartt?
Uh... get stitches?
Wow, another easy question to dodge. I'm on a roll...

Question #147
Dear Slagar,
That was nice. NOT!!!!! Oh well, you still get stupid questions. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
! Can you please not send me anymore apathetic answers?
% Why do you hate Marlfoxes?
^ Does it snow in the Dark Forest?
& Can I borrow some money?
* I have this hamster and it keeps biting me. What do I do to stop it?
~ Fangburn ~

Dear Fangburn,
Oh, I just had to get smug... of course, now I get a list. Oh well.
!) Meh.
%) Didn't I already cover this previously?
^) Um... sure, why not.
&) No.
*) Put it on a hamster wheel, and use it's crazed scrambling to power a... potato... or something. I don't know. What's with the sudden obsession with hamsters? Oh well, it's better than the Vitch-impersonators. Marginally.

Question #148
Okay,like Slagar,
i know we're not in the same time period, because u and u'r scum would have been wiped from the earth by me, Goldenswipe leader of a huge badger army, that is the real leader unlike that fraud, Lacoasta, my questions are...
1)did u know Lacoasta is an undercover fox named Fangburn?
2)did Sela ever teach u anything useful like how to get rid of little bro's and stuff?
3)were u reincarnated from Lord Sunflash, because he was the only beast besides u to survive an Adder's bit and finally...
4)Can u tell Fangburn to stop copying me, i mean she's a fox like u.
From Goldenswipe, Leader of BOTLOM, Badgers of The Land of Mossflower, Lord of the Badgers and a lot of other fancy shmancy titles, Eulaliaaaaaa.....
P.S. have u ever met a Badger LOrd
P.P.S. what's it like to be a vermin
P.P.P.S. what's your war cry

Dear, like Goldenswipe,
Are you sure we're not in the same time period? I think Dark Forest Time is equivalent to EST. Anyways, I don't respond to any threats I recieve from people who use "u" instead of "you". It's just too easy. Oh, look, more lists... and a second list at the bottom, disguised at P.S.s. Well, I'm redubbing them as #s 5, 6, and 7.
1) Well, now I know. And knowing is half the battle. (If anyone's curious, the other half is trying to kill eachother.)
2) Seeing as I'm an ONLY CHILD... yeah, of course she did.
3) Were you reincarnated from Bozo the Clown? You're both total fools.
4) Wouldn't that be closer to copying... me?
5) Nope. I met a couple Badger
Lords, though.
6) I dunno... enjoyable, I suppose. 7) If I told you that, then I'd have to kill you.

Question #149
Dear Cruel One,
What kind of a name is Chickenhound?!? I mean you're not even a dog!!! Personally, I think your mother, Sela, was starkraving mad!! Crazy!!! Insane!!! LOONY!!!
You're devoted worshiper, I,
P.S. you are SO awsome!!! The best villion EVER!!!

Dear Evan,
Personally, I think you need to switch to decaf. And stop hitting the exclamation point key. And die. Well, thanks for thinking I'm the best "villion" ever. You're a great "fon", yourself.

Question #150 Gotta catch 'em all!
Dear Slagar,
Why did you have to get rid of Clecky and Gerul? They gave good answers, and Clecky always had pretty sensible answers, and you don't even answer all of your questions fully! Maybe you, Clecky and Gerul could share this job. I bet the Dark Forrest would be a happier place to live for all 3 of you......

Yours Truly,
Tandra Fuzztree

Dear Tandy Peachfuzz,
Clecky and Gerul? You
liked it when those idiots were running the show? Come, now... Clecky was completely without wit and personality. He'd just blurt out some run-of-the-mill answer, tack on a few "wot-wot"s and a mention of over-eating, and call it an entertaining and helpful piece of advice. And Gerul! I mean, maybe if you're really desperate some of his answers might be mildly amusing... but his advice lacked any real... well... substance. It was just, "me old mother said this, me old mother said that, look at me, I'm a bird, whoooo!" all of the time. Believe me, Tandy, I will never work with those guys. Okaynextquestionhurrybefore-

Before wot? Before we come t' tan your hide, y'blaggard?

Ah, but Clecky, me pal, he said next question. That means it's too late to add any more. Or, as me ould mother would say-

Question #151
Dear Slagar,
I've got a few questions for you to ponder and then answer.
1) So was the Blade Runner a replicon or what?
2) Speaking of which, do robots really dream of robotic sheep? Or is that a myth?
3) Are YOU a robot?
4) Am I crueler than you? After all, I banned toys from my town and tried to have Santa Claus killed...
5) Is it possible to escape from the dungeon without using the Wizard Key?
Thanks for your time...
Burgomaster Meisterburger

Dear Annoyingname,
1) Replicon? Is that one of those places where nerdy humans go dressed up like cartoon characters and talk about their stupid little comics and movies? Yeah, I'm sure that Blade Runner was at one of those.
2) What's a robut? One of those machine-things that spins around and beeps? Yeah, I'm sure they have the ability to dream about sheep. And sleep, for that matter.
3) ...yeah. Yeah, sure I am. Beep.
4) Oh, sure. That's worse than murder.
5) Yeah, sure. You can do that. And I totally know what you're talking about.

So there you have it. 5 sarcastic replies in a row. I'm on some kind of roll tonight...

Question #152
Dear Slagar,
Rarrr again. More questions.
1) How can I be a fox and a badger at the same time?
2) Did you know that Goldenswipe is a big ninny?
3) Do you like to answer these?
4) Where is the Dark Forest located?
Your Fan,
Lacoasta :-)

Rarr Lacoasta,
1) You can't. You're lying, and using my advice collumn to tout how "special" you are by being an impossible crossbreed.
2) That badger guy from before? Well, I certainly inferred it...
3) Oh, it's the highlight of my month... or week... or bi-week... whenever I do these. Whatever. I'm not going into speciffics about a hypothetical situation cooked up for a bit of sarcasm.
4) Can't you go to Mapquest for stuff like that?

Sorry, kids, no side-comments for this one. Except these two sentences. OR IS THERE?

Question #153
who is the worst villian in all redwall related books?i dont want the answer slagar!

Dear Whatsyourface,
Okay, then you don't get the answer! Geeze, what a waste of time...

Dear Slagar, A simple number of questions. a) How deep, roughly was the well? b) How do you come up with such witty insults as message reply? c) Seeing as you are in occupation of the dark forest,I was wondering what the rooms are like. yours curiously, Luna Sixclaw Dear Luna,
A simple number of answers.
a) Roughly? Somewhere in between 5,000,000,000 kilometers and 10 feet.
b) Usually I derive my wit from the stupidity of your questions. For instance, the phrase "witty insults as message reply". Your grammar is atrocious. This is the part where we all have a good laugh about it. LAUGH, I SAY!
c) Very... roomy.

Question #154
I've just got a few rather random questions:
Why did the "maimed with meatloaf" thing come up?
Why does everyone insist on saying "bola"? Isn't it a bolas?
Where are the evil acorns?
Where are the evil toasters?
And one serious question, but I have no idea why I'm writing to a Redwall advice column for it:
I've just moved, and now, after only a year, I've got to move again. I have problems making friends(I'm so shy I'm anti-social), and anyway the kind of people I like are pretty much non-existent because I've moved to a relatively medium-sized town to really near the capital of our state. What should I do?
A really nuts someone

Dear Really Nuts,
I honestly have no idea where the meatloaf came from. Probably some little twit trying to be funny, saying I got hit by a piece of meat. Yeah, great job, kid. That's comedic gold right there.
Yeah, it's techincally "bolas", I suppose... but both sound good to me, so I'll let it slide for now.
Evil acorns? I don't know. Maybe they're by the really nuts. Why are you asking me? Am I the acorn expert now? Am I some kind of an acornologist? Is that what you're implying about me?!
The evil toasters? Once again, I don't know. I'm not a toasterologist either. But I think that brave little toaster died. Crushed by a car-compactor, or something.
As for your actual advice collum question... don't worry about it. Just look at the rest of the people who write to this collumn. You think they've got any friends? Just be yourself... and look inside of yourself... and if you've got what it takes to be a somebody, that'll be there... on the wall... of your insides. No, actually I just heard that on some self-improvement tape. The box said it's worked wonders for hundreds of people... so, who are you going to believe, Nuts? A box... or me?

Question #155
I was thinking that maybe, since you work with STC, you could ask him something. I was wondering if you could ask him if STCP is planning to come out with Vermin Invaders 3, and if so, how soon will it come out?
Boar the Fighter

Dear Boar,
Vermin Invaders? Ha! You actually like that crap? Listen, Boar, I looked into these games, and you'd do better playing with "Pet Rock 3". You know, maybe I shouldn't have suggested that. Now they're going to come out with a "Pet Rock" series of games. First it'll be "Pet Rock", then "Pet Rock 2", and 3, and before you know it all the youngsters will be playing "Super Turbo Pet Rock Alpha Omega 27 Platinum - Special Edition". So... getting back to your question... I asked him, and he said something like:
Vermin Invaders 3? Me? Making it? Ha!, or, I'm a stupid guy who just happens to have a website about somebody totally awesome!, or something like that. Gee, what a total loser.

You're making me angry, Slagar... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

Please tell me you didn't see that movie...

Huh? Of course I didn't! Say, how are you learning about all of these contemporary things?

Part of it has to do with the fact that I'M YOU.

Well, nice job, blowing the whole mistique of this collumn right out the window...

Hey, don't blame me, you're the one who makes me say this stuff...

Well, I wouldn't have if it wasn't in character for you to do so!

Ugh... whatever. For those who can't stomach this "startling revelation", that was just a skit we cooked up before hand. Yeah.

Question #156
Hey Slagar,
What is the average time that it takes to create a decent size army to overthrow a group of helpless and innocent woodland creatures that are extreme obnoxious? I am a gifted archer and have a small group friends who wish to help me accomplish this goal. Is there any benefits if are an extremely sexy and seductive fox with an amazing tail? I need assistance, my patience is running low with their annoying voices and peppy and sickeningly amount of happiness.
your ally,
Rae the Vixen

Dear Rae,
See, people seem to think I have a stopwatch out whenever anyone starts building an army, and that I average out all my statistics. This is not the case. So, sorry, can't help you. Just take your time... but be quick about doing so. As for your second question... I'd answer it, but I have no idea what you're trying to say. I assume you mean that YOU'RE the fox in question but... well... just get back to me on that. As for the annoying voices... how annoying are they? Like, annoying-annoying or smurf-annoying? If the latter is true, go all out on them, and know that my sympathies go with you into battle.

Question #157
Dear Slagar,
What is your favorite animal (to eat)? How is the best way to cook it? I need a new dish for my friends - they're quite tired of Shrew Stew. Sincerely,
--Dart the Vixen--

Deat Dar,
my favorite animal to eat, and how to cook it? Uh... well, roast duck's always pretty good, and mole kabob usually livens things up... but really, mouse on the cob is the absolute best. As for your dish dilemna... sorry, I can't help you out. Try Walnut, or K-9, or wherever you people go to by plates.

Question #158
Dear Slagar,
My question is similar to lost with love's. There's this girl from my class who flirts continuously with me. But i hate her. So, wut should i do. And pleaseopleaseopleaseopleaseoplease don't say something like, get a knife and drive it into her heart. I'm serious here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Similar to Lost With Love's,
Get a spear and drive it into her spleen. But seriously, Similar, there's only one thing to do... totally humiliate her in front of all your little friends as payback for ever being a nuisance to you. Killing her, with whatever weapon you choose, is indeed optional.

Question #159
Hey Slagar it's me Goldenswipe again, here are my questions...
1.what kinda computers are there in Dark Forest, mines kinda fast, is that how it is in Dark FOrest, or does it take them a while to come out ther...
2.what's it like to die, cause i'm invincible...
3. since your name is Chickenhound, do u like chicken or does everything just taste like chicken...
4.why did't u use a bow, u could kill stuff a lot faster..
and finally...
why didn't u fall into a toilet and die instead of into a well???

p.s. are u as stupid as u look, u should talk to my neighbor, she's a hairstylist, and another person i know could give u a skin graft so u could look like Arnold Schwazasomethin,or BAsil and MAttimeo...
p.p.s.why don't u use a bag instead of a mask?
p.p.p.s.why don't u get a bag that covers ur whole body, thenu wouldn't be able to show people ur ugly...
p.p.p.p.s.are u gettin tired of my p.s.'s?
A very mad Badger Lord...

Dear Goldenswipe,
Wow, it's true! You are a ninny! Well, I prefer twit, but that's just me.
1. Mine's a Tobisha Packell, or something. I don't know, I'm not "computer-savvy". I am a fox from a midieval world, you know...
2. No. No, you're not. And I'm not answering your question, because the bone-chilling description would get me banned in 52 states and 63 provinces, or something...
3. The letter "U"? I don't think it likes chicken. Go ask it. By the way, how does that relate to my original name?
4. Why don't you wear boxing gloves? You'd be able to type better.
5. Because there wasn't a toilet anywhere near where I died?
6. I'll give you a skin graft, you stupid little ninny!
7. I'll shove a bag over your head, you little twit!
8. You mean, like a body-bag? What they're going to have to put you in when I'm done with you?
9. Oh, no, I find your complete ignorance of what "p.s.'s" are supposed to be used for quite amusing.

Question #160
dear slagar,
i have some questions.
1 how do u kill a fly?
2 what is (sp?) supposed to mean?
3 by sending this would you know me?
that's all.
from, ~ someone you don't know ~
p.s. i don't believe in capital letters.

1. I pity those who limit themselves to just one way. I myself usually favor poisoning and beheading, but if I'm feeling extravagant I'll draw and quarter them.
2. Stupid people. As in, the majority of those who write it to this collumn.
3. Knowing someone doesn't come so easily. You need to show the person what's inside of you... well, no, not really. But an actual name would help.

So until next time, take your vitamins, whack yourself in the face, and e-mail me your questions. I don't care if it's coming from a woodlander dibbun, a human teenager, or a vermin cheiftan. Ask me, I'm a lot smarter than you. :P

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.