Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 5

Yes, that's right, you worthless bunch of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #81
Dear Slagar,
Ohh, ok. I see what you're saying. YOU TRIED TO INSULT ME, DIDN'T YOU?! ...good, because I need to be insulted. And speaking of insults:

No, Vilu Daskar-person, I am not named Spencer Manning in real life. Ask 'im yourself, nitwit. I'm not a guy. I'm not named Spencer. I'M A GIRL! A PMSING GIRL!! *attacks Vilu Daskar in a PMS induced rage*

Anyway, getting back to my question, I met up with a fellow insane, stupid swiftpaw person the other day and they threatened to kill me if I didn't change my name to something else. I tried to explain to them that I was known as Issp, not Insane, Stupid Swiftpaw Person, but they still wouldn't listen to me.

Any suggestions about what to do?


Dear Issp,
Oh, RIGHT. PMSing. Hmph! What a pathetic excuse. When males go into bloodthirsty rages, it's called "bloodwrath" or "murder sprees". But when a FEMALE goes into a bloodthirsty rage, "oh, it's just PMSing. Not her fault, no siree." Anyways, getting back to your question, strangle the other Issp in his/her sleep. Yarr-harr-harr. Don't worry, you can blame it on PMS. (Why do I have a feeling that angry females are going to be after me for a while after this reply?)

Question #82
Hey Slagar, I'm sure you don't know me, my name is Ferahgo. I'm sure you've heard stories about me though...on with the question: Why do you "hang" with those idiots in your horde!? I'm stunned, just stunned. I'm so stunned there isn't a word to explain how...stunned I am!! You: "Wait, are you trying to tell me that you're stunned?" I can't believe those slobberchops are in your presence every day! Why not pick me to be in your horde? I am a stoat, after all. And I am way cooler than anyone in your horde!!

Ferahgo(female version)

Dear Ferahgo,
Female version? You got a gender change? STOAT? You got a SPECIES change? What, was there a two-for-one sale at the sick & twisted surgery kiosk? Anyways, in case you numbskulls didn't notice, I DITCHED my band (not a horde) a long time ago.

Question #83
Dear slagar,

omg u looser ur site sux0rz!!!?!!!??!

n e wat, slagar dude u R in my n.ext storie LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL its going (sp?) 2 b like matimeo oly SUPERSUPERMORECOOL LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL N E WAY U HAVE SUPER PWOERS LIke super saiyan 2+ader hipknowziz+stuf and its going to be SUPERCOOL LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL show you when its done anyways, waht you think?!?!!???????

- teh auhtor

Dear auhtor,
I'll let Gartar answer this one. (And for those of you who're getting annoyed with me using Gartar as a gimmick, don't worry. I don't think you'll be seeing much of him around here for a while after this... *sharpens knife*)

hey wat u do auhtor killn me of in teh thirst cahpter. its not fare. gimme my one story were i'm teh star! LOLOLOLO

Question #84
Hey Slagar,
I have got some questions for you:
1.Are you related to Eric,you kind of got a thing for deformed faces.
2.Have you every had any girlfriends?
3.How much money do you off this career?
4.Isn't that fox Nightshade named after a pokemon attack?

Oh-oh here comes Sela,got to go.....

5.Son,you still haven't been doing your laundry.Why?

Crazy person and Sela

Dear Crazy and Sela,
1. I see you've kinda got a thing for ugly ones. Judging by your own face.
2. Now, that's a *personal* question...
3. I don't off any money from this career. In fact, I don't quite understand what you mean by that.
4. I am NOT a VULPIX!!!
5. What are you doing with that crazy person, anyways?

Question #85
To whom it may concern.
In regards to question 43 we'd like to inform that the Fashion Police are disipointed in your current choice of style. As research shows, polka dots, paisly and drab white, quoted by millions around the world, "Are IN!!!! For cool masks and cloaks!!!" While checkered are the lowest and most hated style for villians of these days. You are hereby warned to change your wardrobe soon, or our representatives will meet with your dark forest superviser and have your sentence doubled.

The Fashion Police (A.K.A. Villains Organization of Style)

Dear Police,
haven't you heard? I OWN the dark forest supervisors. And YOU'LL be the one suffering when you reach them.

You're not buying it, are you?

Question #86
Hello Slagar the Cruel,
I am an old old old grandma who has about nine grandchildren who never write to me! I've given very obvious hints about the matter, such as throwing rocks through their windows with a note saying "Write to your great granny and no more windows will die!" Or using the lawn mower to write messages in their lawns, and as a last resort, I've made a music vidio, two full hours long, about letters and how your grandma would love one! But nothing works! All I ever get is bills, what should I do to get their attention?

Depressed old old old Grandma

Dear Old,
Smash more windows and generally deface more property! Surely it'll catch the media's attention eventually! Either that, or throws the bricks at your grandchildren instead. The other eight will take the hint.

Question #87
i do the soak the bloke dunking booths at fairs i am wondering if you may recommend to me some sites. I need new did and pick on jokes.

thank you

Dear... thank you,
that's... not a question. Not a question at all. Heck, that's not even literate!

Question #88
Dear Slagar
From now on I will not be writing to you. I have brought you such loveable characters on this column as Swartt Sixclaw, Tarbos Bloodaxe, Posy Mouse and Bunny (who if you were to dense to realise were a copy of the Beaubelaire children), Zigu and Vilu Daskar. I will stalk everyone who had anything to do with your advice column. My final question is. ... what the heck does that this that's something like ^o^o mean?

P.S. Goodbye Slagar!

Dear ???,
Lovable characters? Yeah, right... anyways, I have no idea what you mean by ^o^o. *raises an eyebrow* ^6_o^

Question #89
yo slagar vitch here why did you try to kill me ? i have someone here to talk to you slagar where have you been all these years i have not seen you since you were a pup? from mom

Dear... Vitch, I guess,
Thanks for nicely summarizing all of the letters I've recieved over the time I've spent working on the collumn.

Question #90
dear slagar i kidnapped the redwallers kids and mattimes and the others are trying to find me and my gane i need your help love from your soon to be wife. dark claws

Dear dark claws,
Um, well, er... I'm not sure what you're trying to tell me here. You ripped off my plan to destroy Redwall... flattering... now Redwallers are trying to find you and your "gane"... hmm, wonder what this "gane" thing its... SOON TO BE WIFE? Where did you get that idea? Come on, dark claws. I get e-mails from vixens all the time. And some of them are LITERATE. Why do you think I'd want to marry YOU?

Question #91
Dear Slagar the Cruel, I'm having a society problem and I need some advice. People everywhere seem to hate me!! And I don't know why!! I never did anything to them!! Well...except for that whole trashing their homes and killing their dogs thing...but that doesn't count!! Eeeh...just some slight technicalities... But I mean, children run away screaming when they see me coming...and their parents cover their innocent young eyes and yell obscenities in my general direction. Just because I'm the spawn of satan and want to take over the world doesn't mean I should be treated like this, eh? I have feelings too!!!! Sorta... And I mean, people act like I'm from another planet, or that I look funny or something. I mean I'm just a normal girl with purple hair, with a tongue ring, and a tattoo on my neck, and people act like I'm all weird and stuff! Seriously, I just walk down the street, head banging to my punk music, and people will intentionally cross the street when they see me coming and walk on the other side of the road. Well anyway, yeah can I have some advice? Please? If you don't give me advice ill be forced to burn your home, kill your dog, and other horrible things I won't mention here because there might be small children reading this... THANKS!!

Evil but not feelingless in Oklahoma (aka hell)

Dear ...feelingless... (aka hell),
Now, I'm pretty evil, but at least I draw a few boundaries. You're just plain... sick. Honestly. Purple hair? How DARE you?! Oh, and, um, the other stuff's pretty horrible too, I guess. But purple hair? Ugh. You make me want to vomit, you irrepressible little... PURPLE-HAIRED DOG-KILLER! By the way. If you just try to burn something of mine, and I'll whip off your head with my bola.

Question #92
Deer Slagar Sir, Master, Lord of All Things...uh, Cruelish!
It's me, Wedgeback. Sir! It really wasn't my fault that the slaves got away! And another thing, Lord of Cruelness, how come you had to knock off that cliffy thing? I'm afraid of heights!

From: Wedgeback *

P.S. It wasn't my fault!!! *cries and cries* It wasn't me!!! *Threeclaws pats back*

Dear Wedgeback,
You know what? Don't worry about it. Just forget the whole letting-the-slaves-go-thing. I don't blame you at all! It could've happened to anyone. (By the way, just in case you didn't get the memo, you're fired.)

Question #93
Dear Slagar,
I have five questions for you:
1. Why do fools fallin luv
2. Could you make a page specifically for Ungatt Trunn and his annoying questions?
3. If I sent you a chicken, would you eat it?
4. green+4+me-Slagar=
5. Did you write this music, or did I over-estimate you?

Fuzzy Lumpkins and Ungatt Trunn

Dear Ungatt,
1. Because they don't read the "Slippery Floors! Luv just put on floors!" signs.
2. You're kidding?
3. No. But I'd probably hound it a bit.
4. Four green idiots devoid of all that is wonderful in this world.
5. You under-estimate... your wrongness in your assumption that I wrote any of the music on this site. Heck, I'm dead. I don't have time for composition, y'know?

Question #94
yo slagar darkpaws here whats up did you get the engagement rings yet my slaves are not obeying so i have to punish them by not giving them food lastnight they tryed to escape but i caught them .love from your fiance i have someone here who wants to talk to you yo slagar your mom let me sleep in your room now i am with darkpaws i told your mom that i will be going now that she took me in after vandange aroun my neck i got it off by cutting it with my knife from vitch

Dear Darkpaws, Mom, Vitch,
To whom it may concern,
Your question is clouded by a thick fog of stupidity. Please learn to speak English and try again.

Question (But Not Really) #95
Hi, Slager, I 'm a distant reletive of Veil. DISTANT! DO NOT GIVE ME TRASH THAT VEIL DOES NOT HAVE A RELETIVE 'COS THEN I WOUN"T EXIST!!! Jus' thinkin', I won't kill wirout reason! HEELLPPP!!!

from Luna Sixclaw

Dear Luna,
Hi Luna. You forgot something. It's called a question, maggotface. No matter, I have a question for you. The word "Slagar" is all over this place. How do you posess enough audacity to misspell it?!

Question (For Real This Time) #95
Hi, Slager,
It's Luna Sixclaw here, wondrin' if yer gonna put this on yer page. (seein' as I.S.S.P's usin' numbers, I'll use letters.)
A) Wots it like ter die?
B) Why bother killin' Vitch?
Luna sixclaw

P.S originall idea wot yer doin' here.

Dear Lune,
Speak of the devil... anyways, your questions.
A) It's strange and frightening and kinda stings your eyes.
B) Why bother NOT killing Vitch?

Question #96
Swartt Sixclaw is back! Sorry for scaring you by telling you I'm notwriting any more, but I felt like it. Now, I have some questions...

*since ISSP uses numbers and Darkthingy uses letters, I'm gonn'a use simbals*

!) Do you play violin?
@) How come your "fans" keep talking about Vitch in their E-mails?
#) You said that dying hurts your eyes, but my appendixes hurt. Why is that?
$) My butt's on fire. How can I put it out?

Dear Swartt,
!) Only once... but I was young! The Elderberry Wine made me do it!
@) You'd know better than me. You just wrote about him.
#) You have multiple appendixes?
$) Sit in a bucket full of Gasoline.

Question #97
Dear Slagar,
Hi. It's me again. Yeah, I'm back. The cursed PMS had me layed up for a week or so with cramps and all sorts of other disgusting things that you don't really want to know about. Oh, you might be happy to know that I killed the other Insane Stupid Swiftpaw Person after the PMS was over with. So, that means one less Insane Stupid Swiftpaw Person on the face of the earth. Except, I hope it didn't go to Dark Forest... because then it would be stuck with YOU. Poor you.

Ok, so now would probably be a good time to ask a question, wouldn't it? Ok, uhm... I picked up this funky, gold ring out on the path the other day, and now I have strange not-alive-not-dead people on black horses chasing after me. And my sword glows blue. Where can I find Legolas and Aragorn? Or is there something else I can do to get rid of these people?


P.S. Thank you, Luna Sixclaw for not using numbered lists of questions. However, I've pretty much stopped using numbered lists of questions and I'm trying to just ask ONE question per letter. Ok, so in this one I kinda asked two, or more, but oh well... Thanks anyway. ^_^

Dear Fro-er, ISSP,
You've got a sword that can glow blue? You should really try to market that. Maybe you could make enough money to afford charisma and panache.

Question #98
Dear Slagar the Cruel(A.K.A. Lunar Stellaris, Stellar Lunaris, the Sly One),
Why do you wear the mask? Why don't you just run around and scare dibbuns and all those Redwall oafs? I would do that. I wanna face like yours!*rumages around under bed searching for adder* Oh, and I worship you and sing your praises daily, because foxes and vixens are the supreme beings and should be rulers of the universe, but the stupid humans and Martin's spirit always get in the way. Yes, I'm not human. I'm vixen...ish...without most of the logic and smarts. And yet another question: when I go to Dark Forest, may I have the pleasure of being your humble slave, O great one?
-Silver Talons
P.S. Do you like the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas? I also like Jack. Skeletons+clay animation+Halloween rock, man...
P.S.S. Malkariss, Marlfoxes, Urgan Nagru, Nightshade, Silvamord, and all the people you hate suck. I shall always side with you*strikes heroic pose* Darnit, just got ink all over my desk...yet again...

Dear Talons,
Finally, a person with intelligence has contacted me! Anyways, I need the mask so I can have a secret identity... you know, like Batman, but... well, evil. Kind of like... Slagman. But I think Slagar sounds better. Don't you?
Yes, foxes should rule the universe. Think about how great things would be! I mean, there'd be... foxes in charge of everything. And I'm sure we all want that.
Slave? Heck, when you come to the Dark Forest, Talon, you can be an honorary Slagskateer. You'll even get an honorary T-shirt, FREE! I think.

Re: PS. Well, we don't have movies in the Dark Forest, but I'm sure that this movie can't be that bad if it has clay skeletons in it.
Re: PSS. And boy, do they ever!

Wow, that one wasn't so bad! And I've already gotten almost a hundred e-mails answered! Maybe if I get more e-mails like this, I'll be able to stand this punishment...

Question #99
1. which comes first the chicken or the egg?
2. what color does a smurf turn when you choke it?
3. Pokemon are my idols how about you?
4. what if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
5. can i be your stalker? please?
6. who did let the dogs out?
the little punk that egged your house

Dear Stupid,
Scratch that part about this job not being so bad. I forgot that I'll have to deal with 99 e-mails like this for every good one. *sigh*
1. The Chicken. Then comes the Chickenhound.
2. I think they just explode.
3. My idol? I don't know. I suppose it'd be my father, Jorzad Mousehunter. A slier, more diabolical fox never existed. Sure, my mom could sell hens their own egs... but my dad could sell mice their own children. At jacked up prices!
5. No. Go stalk your own tail, if you can find it.
6. ME! Well, not really, but...

Question #100!!!
hey slagaer tis me rugan boar and im so much coolar tahn u and u shoulda made ur website rbp ruggan boar productions because rite now? ur site SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vermin invaders looked cool but it was sooo easy whats the deal with those banckvole questions wathc out its sela son, you still didnt eat ur vegtables that why ur so ugly and stupid hey heres vitch hey slager u suck u killed me im oging to kill you someday in the dark forest bye

No. Just... no. I can't do this any more. I can't take another hundred questions, never mind the THOUSANDS those Dark Forest creeps want me to answer!!! I QUIT!

No! Slagar, you can't quit! Remember your contract?

Contract?! FORGET the contract. I'm evil! No laws can hold me! I don't answer to any one anymore - especially not any of these idiots! GOOD DAY!

Hmm... well, this leaves me in quite a fix... how can I run Ask Slagar without Slagar?! I've got to get a replacement somehow...

Oh yeah... er,


Got a question for Slagar to answer? Er... well, he's not exactly available right now. Check Page 6 for further developments!

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.