Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 4

Yes, that's right, you worthless bunch of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #61
Yo! Slagar! It's me, Swartt, again. My son Veil was a real letdown. I mean, what kind of son jumps in the way of his dad's own spear? Is it a new father/son bonding thing no one has told me about? Oh yah, sorry about Ascrod. I got mixed up with all those other pebble-brained foxes(no offence Slagar, not including you). My question is, who do you think is the better warlord, Ungatt Trunn or Tsarmina.

From: Swartt Sixclaw, the 2nd best warlord next to Slagar the Cruel.

P.S. Why weren't you at this year's Redall Villain Ball? Did Cluny forget to give you an invitation?

Dear Swartt,
I think Veil jumped in front of your spear to confuse people wondering if he was good or evil. Tsarmina's a pretty good warlord, but she was a bit, er... mad. So, I'm going with Ungatt... who died all of his troops blue. Maybe he was a little odd in the head as well. Maybe it runs in the family. Wait a second... 2nd best?! The REAL Swartt wouldn't use such flattery... of course! That's not a Pepsi you're drinking! It's a Pepsi Twist! And you're not Swartt... *zip!* you're Zigu! But seriously, Swartt, what gives? Are you just sucking up to me, while secretly harboring a deep hatred for me? I dunno, I have a hunch... oh yes, I wasn't at the Redwall Villain Ball because I had to escape a couple raging Redwall champions that night. To tell you the truth, I forget why they were chasing me in the first place. Was it because I threw rocks at them? Maybe...

Question #62
Hey, Slagar! It's me, Nightshade! You know, the fox who was brave enough to kill Skarlath in Outcast of Redwall? Anyway, that Swartt Sixclaw guy who e-mailed you a while ago is a fake and a liar! hehas a dartboard with your face on it that he shoots at everyday! He burned all copies of Mattimeo he could find and ripped out all the pages with your name on it(Chickenhound then) in his copy of Redwall. The guy really hates you.... Oh! Hi boss, I mean Lord Sixclaw! Why am I writing this e-mail? I just.... No! Don't read!.......... Please! Don't kill me! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Hey Slagar, this is Swartt Sixclaw! Do not believe a thing that deranged fox tells you!

From: The late Nightshade and Swartt Sixclaw.

P.S. Nightshade has a crush on you! Nightshade has a crush on you!

Dear Nightshade,
Hey, I was right. As usual. *Yawn*... Moving on...

Question #63
If the Mole Mushing Company e-mails you again and asks who Folgrim is, Rowan (who by the way is a she) hasn't read the Legend of Luke.

Sincerely: Tarbos Bloodaxe the Deathbringer

P.S. I'm Rowan's brother. It's just like having a baby vole in the family (and we all know how annoying they are)

Dear Tarbos,
Well, that would be the most logical explanation for not knowing of Folgrim... as for having a baby vole in the family, I'm sure we can all relate to that! Hahahaha... ha... ha... *clears throat* Next question!

Question #64
Slagar you are cruel AND I AM A GIRL NOT A STUPID BOY! I'm glad Mattimeo killed you. And I"m not going to ask who Folgrim is.My brother is an idiot and so are you. I'll take you off my list of cool villains and I guess you won't get your invitation to the Redwall Villain Ball because I make them I just happen to be a very talented cartoon artist.

Sincerely Rowan (The Girl)

Dear... Errr?
Yes, I am cruel, aren't I? By the way, what does your cartoon art talent have to do with...


Question #65
I am Warlord Tarbos Bloodaxe the Deathbringer. Slagar, I would be happy if you joined my horde of wolves and foxes. You would be under the lead of the greatest Warlord ever. I just shut down the Vole Mushing Company today. Bwahaha!

Tarbos Bloodaxe the Deathbringer

Dear Tarbos,
Hello again. Sorry, but as I said I can't make any comittments, because I'm dead. What's this??? GARTAR, from the Worst Redwall Fanfic Ever, just walked in!

hey tabros what r u doing havin wolfs in your hord wolfs r only alowed in my hord get tohse wolfs out o your hord rightnright now!111

Charming... *cough* Moving on...

Question #66
Slagar my main man! I just wanted to know why you had to go and kill me? I mean, i'm just a little rattish thing that was completely innocent but you still choked me with a vendace!


I fail to see what Vendance has to with this matter.

"Question" (and I use that term lightly) #67
Hey Slagar! I forgot to ask you in my last e-mail to tell this to the guy who questioned my hatred of Marlfoxes. So what if I asked Slagar if he liked Ascrod?! I forgot he was a boy! I think I meant Silth.... Any way (since I can't swear over the internet) @#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swartt Sixclaw, who by the way is very annoyed

Dear Swartt,
Next question!

Question #68
It's me again, Tarbos Bloodaxe the Deathbringer!!! I did in my little sister so you wouldn't have to Slagar. I also killed Folgrim. It was a piece of cake! I just cut his (messed up) head clean off his shoulders and that was that!

Tarbos Bloodaxe the Deathbringer

Dear Tarbos,
Er, okay... ^O_o^ NEXT QUESTION!!!

Question #69
Isn't Hamtaro the coolest show? I watch it everyday and me parents say it's good for me 'cause I'm a baby and I learn something educational. I think...

And what do you think about these replacements for 'God' in the goverment(in case it happens for some strange reason):

One nation, under Canada--above Mexico, indivisble, with liberty and justice for all
Someone bless America
In Gates we trust


Dear Rollo,
hmm... it's dumbfoundingly easy to imagine you watching that Hamster show. Moving on...

Embarassment #70
Dear Slagar,
Greetings (Remember to greet people)! You know me as your dark forest BARNEY(And introduce yourself)! Yes, the purple dinosaur.I have come to haunt your advice column! *breaks into obnoxiously loud song* I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A GREAT BIG HUG, AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU, WON'T YOU SAY I LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!And, of course, I have a pointless question to ask. What do red and blue make?

Thank you for providing a way to annoy you (isn't it fun to be polite!)


This doesn't even deserve an answer. Once again, NEXT QUESTION!!!

Question #71
Dear Slagar,
I haven't written to you for advice in a while. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going to try to start writing to you more frequently. Anyway, I seem to be losing control over my online personality. MUAHAGAHAHAHAHHAHAASDAFafjk.... see what I mean? That happens quite frequently now... By the way, how's the weather in Dark Forest?

Insane, Stupid Swiftpaw Person (I.S.S.P.)
MUAHHAHAHA!!... dang it, I did it again...

Dear ISSP,
Your personality's slipping eh? It's a vast improvement. So, anyways, the weather here is kind of dark... kind of foresty... you know, kind of Dark Foresty... yeah... *cough*

Question #72
Dear Slagar,
Oh, so you like it when I say, "MUAHAHAH! DEATH DESTRUCTION AND PAIN! MUAHAHAH!!!"? That's interesting... especially considering your reply to my first letter...

So, anyway, when I try to tie my shoes, I keep getting the rhyme mixed up. You know, the one about the hare getting blown up in the hole, and... something? I forgot how it goes. What is it supposed to be and how can I remember it?

By the way, do Insane Stupid Swiftpaw People ever go to the Dark Forest?

Yours insanely,
Issp. (Yes, from now on, I will be known as Issp.)

Dear Issp,
Your first letter had a cliche approach. Your new approach is much more random. Really, it was supposed to be an insult to your character. Anyways, the shoe rhyme goes something like this... "the two hares cross paths, and then meet with infinite pain and torment at the hands of the prince of Foxthieves. Their blood is not the first that has been drawn by this evildoer, nor shall it be the last. He will reign supreme", or something like that. You get the jist of it, right? I'm hoping the answer to your last question is "no, no, definately not", but I'd have to check with the Dark Forest supervisors. And you know how THAT is...

Question #73
Dear Slagar:
Do you honestly think youv'e got it bad here in the Dark Forest?!! You're lucky you only have to write an advice column! I mean, look at me! I've had to share a room with Urgan Nagru(that was plain awful! He bragged all day and even when he was asleep and he kept on saying "C'mon Galedeep! I'm gonn'a getcha!"). I also shared rooms with Cluny, Tsarmina, Ungatt Trunn(what a nightmare!), Gabool(while he was insane! Although, he still is), Sawney Rath(the Taggerung ifyou haven't read it), Damug Warfang and (gulp) Nightshade! It was not too pretty! Anyway, now I'm roommates with Luke, my sworn enemy! And every day I have to say "sorry" 1,000,000 times to every mouse I killed! Help meeeeee!

Vilu Daskar(who is starting to go madd)

P.S. I spelted "madd" weird didn't me?
P.S.S. I spelted the end of that sentence wrong, didn't me?
P.S.S.S. Insane Stupid Swiftpaw Person, do you happen to be named Spencer Manning in real life?
P.S.S.S.S. I should stop doing P.S's, shouldn't I?

Dear Vilu,
Hey, who said that this advice collumn gig was the only part of my sentence? I also have to... um... juggle! Yeah, I had to learn to juggle! Did YOU have to JUGGLE, Vilu? I thought not.

Question #74
Hiyo to Slagar! I'm a hare turned evil...I'm the best warlord and you know it Slagar!!*evil chuckles* I am Brigadier!! Yes, you got it right. I was with a long patrol, ((Hon Rosie, and Clary)), I fought searats, I was helpful, nice! The whole bally lot! But now Slagar, I am more evil then you! Or Tsarmina, Ungatt, Cluny, Zigu, Gabool, and the whole other dumb lot! *More evil chuckles* Okay! I know what your thinking! I'm dead, right? I died with Clary...yes...WELL YOU ALL GUESSED WRONG!!!! I am alive, faked my death to get away...Have myself a horde now...Muhahahahaha!


Ps. Your not even half as evil as I!

Dear Thyme,
Heh heh, good one, Brig... YOU, turning EVIL, and running a HORDE, and being ALIVE, and making ME, keep making words CAPITALIZED, I wish I could STOP... there, that's better. Anyways, will Brigadier succeed in his new occupation? Only Thyme will tell... get it? Because "time" and "thyme" sound identical, and... oh, forget it!

Question #75
Dear Slagar,
Hi. I'm in desperate need of help here. I've tried everything, and I've finally resorted to this: begging a masked fox for help. Ok, here's the issue: There's this gold ring that's really bugging me. It keeps getting heavier and chanting weird things. And get this! Whenever I try to put it on to maybe look cool and pick up some girls, I turn invisible! Argh! Worse, people keep trying to steal it from me! Well they can't have it, I tell you! It's mine! My own... My preciousss... Sorry. You see how it's corrupting me? What should I do?!

--Mad in Mordor

P.S: Do you have any tips on how to get rid of unsightly foot hair?

Dear Mad,
You must go to the Cracks of Doom and (try to) cast it into the fires which reside therein.

NOTE: Slagar is not responsible for any fingers lost after taking his advice.

Oh yes... for tips on foot hair removal, consult "Hobbit Health Monthly".

Question #76
This is Brofg . I was planning to slaughter my self with one of your corpse's incissors by rappidly jabbing it into my neck. By the way I found your corpse. Well anyway, remember an elderly Mattias, a young Martin {Mattimeo's son, NOT the orginal} and a middle aged Mattimeo were after me. Before I died i got a nice stab on Mattimeo and a good slash on Matthias. Well I am killing everyone in the dark forest { Not you. Do you mind if i kill Sela?}. I cannot inflict any pain which stinks but then if my victims attack back I won't feel it. Well I invite you to make a fullscale Battle of The Dead Beasts . My side is for stoats, ferrets, weasles, foxes,[ Urgan is not allowed] wildcats, rats, crows, ravens, toads, and all bad beasts. You could be a General. Just for you no ADDERS ALLOWED.

Forever your fan,
Brofg the Scourge

Dear Brofg,
Battle of the Dead Beasts? While the irony is great, I'm afraid you won't get very far - nobody can die. At least, I don't think so... where would they go? Back to the living world? ^O_o^

Question #76
hey slagar i'm about to kill you. What do you think you're doing stealing Matemeo. That's my job.
Captain Tremen Clogg

Dear Tremen,
Any relation to Cap'n Tramun Clogg? As for your letter... I feel no obligation to reply to your display of stupididty. >:-P

Question #77
Dear Slagar da EVIL dude, Yo Yo Yo, this is Ungatt Trunn, you know, the guy who died his horde blue. I'm wondering, should I have died them green?

Ungatt Trunn

Dear Ungatt,
I don't think you should've dyed your horde at all. It's war, not arts and crafts.

Question #78
Dear Slagar
I've got a scuzzy bathtub, but I'm not into cleaning it every day. What should I do?

From: Swartt/Zigu/Sela/Bathroom Person

P.S. I will be going by the name of S.Z.S.B.P

Dear User of the Word "Scuzzy",
Why don't you scrape all of the scuz into a jar for safekeeping? Then, when you get the chance, you can STICK THE SCUZ IN YOUR EYES. It'll BLIND you, but at least you'll have SCUZZY EYES. For future reference, I don't like the word scuzzy. And no, that's NOT your cue to send me e-mails regarding my scuz-hatred. (I can see it now. "deer slager, y u hat me??????? -scuz")

hey i regret umakin fun of us bad spelers. Dis is gartar, athe fox like u from teh wose rw fanfic ever. Leaf us alone, u tree


Question #79
Dear Slagar
WE are but three humble mouse Dibbuns named Posy, Mouse and Bunny. We are on the run from the evil stoat Count Ogloff and his associates. Ogloff is distinguishable by his three hundred eyebrows and a tatoo of an ear on his ankle. If you see him choke him with your BOLES (hear that, Vitch)?

Posy, Mouse and Bunny

Dear PM&B,
Oooh, sorry, but my BOLES are in the SHOP. I could have used my BOLA, but you suggested the use of my BOLES. Which are unavailable. Okay, okay, so I'm back to making fun of spelling mistakes. Hey, I'm not a comedy genius.

Question #80
Dear Slagar,
I have a baby vole in my house, and he won't leave, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I beg, he won't leave. I even gave him all my candied chestnuts, and all my crystalized fruit. Please help me!!!
Once again, Ungatt Trunn

Dear Ungatt,
I've answered this before... baking soda. Throw baking soda on the vole. It'll shrivel up faster than... a shriveling vole shriveling at a slightly slower pace. Honestly, don't you people even read the archives?

Got a question for me to answer? I don't care. I mean, e-mail me. I don't care if it's coming from a woodlander dibbun, a human teenager, or a vermin cheiftan. Ask me, I'm a lot smarter than you. :P

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.