Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

Learn about the so-called DVD Features added to some of the site's content. | Enable Background Music | |



Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 3

Yes, that's right, you worthless bunch of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail, and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #41
Dear Slagar,
Ok, you want me to ask you for advice? I will... after I finish commenting about your reply to my last letter.
I could say I'm doing an interview for a special Dark Forest eZine, but that's not the truth. I was actually referring to the other Slagar the Cruel. The one with the website? Yeah, that one.
And I understand the removal of my comments about the Vermin Invaders ending. When do I get my cruise and/or paperback copy of Mattimeo?
Alright, I said I would ask you for advice. I try to write funny things for eZines, but somehow they turn out morbid. Is this normal? How can I write funny things without being morbid?

Your annoyance,
Insane, Stupid Swiftpaw Person (aka I.S.S.P.)

Dear I.S.S.P.,
If you wanted to contact the "other Slagar", why didn't you send your E-zine proposal to him? Sheesh.
Your paperback copy of Mattimeo? Hmm... now, I'm supposed to say "you'll get in tomorrow" or some other uncaring response. Then you'll interpret it literally, and say something like "I waited. It didn't come". Let's just skip all of that. You're not getting a copy of Mattimeo.
Hmm... I can't quite make out the last part of your letter. The lighting around here is awfully dim (the creatures are too) - but I guess that's why it's called the Dark Forest. Oh, yes, you want to write morbid articles but they keep turning out humorous? Then just write "BLOOD, BLOOD, DEATH WILL BE UPON YOU". Works like a charm.
By the way, I've been informed that a certain Lagamorphia's (second-rate) advice collumn turned you down because you have "Swiftpaw" in your name. Bwahahaha! My revenge has been exacted!

Question #42
Hey Slagar,
Remeber me,it's Silver. I am sorry if I embarrassed you but that's ok.Copper asked me out and I said yes. We had a great time and are getting married on Monday(In Vegas,yahoooo!^_^).

See you at the gates of the Dark Forest(someday),
Silver the Vixen

P.S. Watch out my slaps are hard!(You don't want to know what my kisses are like!)

Dear Silver,'re scaring me again...

Question #43 Dear Slagar,
Why do you wear that brightly colored, checkerboard mask? Why not a black one? It would be so much more evil looking

~Evil Advisor

Dear E.A.,
What is this? The fashion police?! When did what I wear on my face become anybody's business? And furthermore, who died and left a nimrod like YOU as an EVIL advisor? You don't even deserve to be called a slightly disgruntled advisor! Or if you mean that you're supposed to be advising others on how to be evil... then you really need to find a new job.

Question #44
Deaw Slagar,
Hey Slagar it's me! The gweatest warrior evew. I'm finally leawning to say some words wight. The fiwst one I tried my hawdest to leawn was 'Slagar' - and now i can say it! Well, I decided that you awe wight, and there is no way i can join your horde. So what I decided to do is stawt my own just like yours. So far I have one member, he is a vewy big weasel I met when I was twying to wun away. We made a deal to work togethew to steal all the Abbey's dibbuns. So in the middle of the night, I tied all the dibbuns up and we carried them off. So now we have our slaves, but what should we do with them? Torture them?! I'll enjoy doing that to the mean ones. ):D

~ A gweat Slaver just like Slagar, not a warrior

Dear Slaver,
Hmm... kids are starting to slave-drive earlier and earlier these days... anyways, you've come to the right person for help. Now, warriors from Redwall will be coming for you any day now, so what YOU need to do is sell the slaves and feign your band's death in front of the Redwallers. They'll leave your band and focus on the place you sold your slaves to. While they're questing to save their young'uns, loot their rotten Abbey. I call it, "Slagar's Plan - v 2.0"! As for torturing the mean ones, do it, and enjoy it. I tell you, there's nothing as satisfying as revenge... except when you DIE because of it. Like... er... some people I know. *cough*

Heh, I bet you thought I'd tell him off, didn't you? DIDN'T you?! Hahaha!

Question #45
Hi Slagar! I have a couple of questions for you. #1: Why didn't you die from Asmodeus's bite? #2: Do you think Ascrod is hot? #3: I feel sorry for you having to deal with that old fart at that prison place, then choke some rat thing, then fall down a hole to your demise, and now answer questions to voles!

P.S: I share your hatred of Marlfoxes and Voles.

Swartt Sixclaw

Dear Swartt,
nice to hear from you. I haven't seen you since that Redwall villain convention in '94... anyways, I suppose I should answer your questions.

#1. I healed myself with healing herbs.
#2. Uh... Swartt? Ascrod's a guy.
#3. Yeah, it really sucks... now, what I REALLY want to do is have my own talk show. I could interview Redwall characters, and reveal THE SHOCKING TRUTH about well-known characters on live television! Bwahahaha! Er... yeah. So. Next question, please!

Question #46
Dear Slagar the Cruel
I'm a horde rat of a villainous band of vermin and the warlord is getting on my nerves. He's always pushing me around, keeping all the good food for himself, just yesterday he killed 52 of me good mates (and 272 of me not so good mates). And he calls me mean names all the time! I want to stand up to him, but he keeps threatening me that he'll savagely run me through with his giant Bone Spear of Death. I want to stand up to him and vengefully kill him, and take over the horde!!!! But I can't bring myself to do it. Can you help me?

Grubthroat the Rat

P.S. Since you're in Dark Forest at the moment, can you say hello to me 52 mates?
P.S.S. And if you run into some of me not so good mates, could you kick them in the pants?

Dear Grubthroat,
Boy, that guy sounds like a jerk! How does he expect his horde to last if he's killing 300 hordebeasts a day? Even if your horde's as numerous as leaves on an autumn gale, you don't go burning piles of them! (Metaphorically speaking.) Anyways, you should probably start a revolt. I can't imagine too many beasts being happy with a "random death" situation. Other than that... try poisoning his drinks, or simply wait for a hero to come along and kill him. As for saying hi to your mates... um... I'm not exactly sure of who is or isn't your mate. So... um... I'll give a general hello to all the recent deadbeasts.

Question #47
Hey Slagar
This is the vole Mushing company asking if you'd like a Rollo Bar or a sinthia free 100 pack of evil gum or a Viola chocolate vole.and if you purchase these items right know you can get a Mattimeo deluxe-meal, and when you purchase that you will get tooth whitening gum or if you don't want shinny teeth don't get the gum.
Sincerely Rowan's Vole Mush'in company

Dear Vole Mushing Co.,
Eh? Folgrim's got his own company now with some guy named Rowan? Oh dear... er... how did I get on your list of cannibals? Did Matthias sign me up to get revenge for the Toad incident? ^O_o^

Question #48
[Dear Slagar,]
what is 235467 plus 1?


ps: my (great x2436477)grampa was sam squirrel

Dear Nroh (how do pronounce that?),
235,468. By the way, you're an idiot.

Question #49
Dear Son,
You haven't been doing your laundry or making your bed lately. How can I call you a proper slaver? What will I say when my guests come to the den? Maybe this advice column is to distracting for you and I will have to disconnect your computer.


WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SENDING LETTERS TO THIS ADDRESS?! I - wait a second? You could disconnect the computer I write the collumn on?! Then I'd be free from the torture!!! Please, mother, diconnect the computer!!!!!

Question #50
Dear Slagar,
You seem to be losing your touch. Not only did you not tell that annoying dibbun off, you forgot that when "Swartt" asked you if Ascrod was "hot" that Ascrod was.... *drumroll* a MARLFOX! I thought "Swartt" hated Marlfoxes! Hehe..... Anyway, my question is......How did you tolerate Vitch? I mean, you knew you were going to kill him, but he's so annoying, HOW DID YOU? 'Cause this annoying twit in my horde is going to blow my cover!

Annoyed Horde Leader

Dear Annoyed,
Losing my touch?!?!?! Listen, Annie, why don't YOU write 50 replies to these idiots and we'll see how much of YOUR touch is left. If there was any to begin with. Anyways, I tolerated Vitch by giving him a good hard smack between the ears now and then.

Question #51
Hi chief i was just wonderin just WHO did you leave in charge me or Halftail?

Your pitiful servant Threeclaws.

Dear Threeclaws,
It was a trick, dolt. It was supposed to start a fight between the ranks that would kill you all off. And it worked. Deal with it.

Question #52
Dear Slagar the Cruel,
I am a Warlord of a great horde, and I have always been as nice and fair with my horde as a warlord can be, but recently some stupid, arrogant, morons, led by a rat named Grubthroat, have sworn to over-throw me and take over the horde because, as they say, I'm a low life, down right insanly mean scumy jerk! But as I said before, I am nothing like that! I always treat them with respect, shared my best food and wine with them, and never harmed them in the least or even raise my Bone Spear of Death in anger or malice! What should I do to regain their loyalty without killin--um, banishing them all?

The all mighty, Darrorg Speardeath the Warlord.

Dear Darrorg,
Man, this Grubthroat sounds like a real jerk! Leading a rebellion against a good horde leader? If you've got it made in the shade, don't cut down the tree you're sitting under. (Metaphorically speaking.) Anyways, you should probably get your supporters (which I presume outweigh your deractors) together and overwhelm the revolt. I can't imagine too many beasts being happy with a revolt against as good of a horde leader as you seem to be. Other than that... only drink out of your private water supply and watch out for crazed sword-wielding goodbeasts shouting about revenge. Why? Let's just say I've got a hunch.

Question #53
Deaw Slagaw!
I need help! The weasel I was with gwabbed me and put me in a sack. Then he put me in the cage with my fowmew slaves. He was me matey. How could he do that. What should I do??? I have to escape! And what's more - my fellow dibbun slaves awe now twying to kill me because I am the cause of this whole thing!!! HELP! Please weply to this message soon, because I don't know how much longew I can last. Can you toss me a chainsaw from dawk fowest or something, or atleast some majow advice quick.

~A not gweat anything! Just about to be killed! help!

Dear Anything,
Hmm... that's a tough one. Use your laser vision to burn through the sack. Then fry the weasel and use your psychic powers to control your slaves and have them follow you to the nearest slave-trade port. If you can't do any of those things, um... call for help.

Question #54
Dear Slagar,
My husband is such a show off and lazy lump.He goes around wearing a wolf hide and boasting that he is a "foxwolf".Then he gets drunk and let's prisoners escape from our castle.He says he will capture the prisoners and pushes me into the moat.Then he comes back empty handed.What will I do with the nuisance?


Dear Silvamord,
Don't worry. He dies by the time the book is over. Unfortunately, so do you. Have a nice day.

Question #55
Dear Slagar,
your my hero. The only good thing about going to the dark forest is that I can FINNALLY tell off old Sela. Well my question is Martin 2, Mattias, and Mattimeo are after me because I raised a horde and stole their precious tapestry and I also toke the Abbot hostage. The price for the Abbot's safety: EVERYTHING. Even themselves. I need a few good slaves to make the abbey a fort like Marshank. Tell Cluny I'm fufiling his dream for him . Tell Ferhago and Badrang that I gave greetings from Brofg's new Castle stronghold.

P.S. who can you stand staying with idiots like Cluny &Urgan?????

Dear... whoever,
I don't really understand what you mean by half of that letter... and the other half doesn't make much sense. Ah, what the heck, I like the sound of it anyways. The answer to your postscript is... well, I sit. *bows gracefully*

Question #56
Dear Slagar,
I am a doctor specializing in creating antidotes for snake bites,and the venom's effects. My questions are:
1. What herbs, poultice mixtures, ect. did you use to cure yourself?
2. What other effects did the venom have on you besides insanity ( you forgot that Cluny was the one that hurt you, not the redwallers)?
3. Do you feel any remorse for killing an innocent mouse (not to mention elderly)?
4. How does it feel being condemmed to write an advice column, replying to idiots like myself?

Inquisitive Doctor

Dear Inq. Doc,
1. It's an old secret family recipie.
2. Harr harr... well, would you count the ability to travel faster than a speeding bullet?
3. Eh? Which one?
4. It makes me feel angry. VERY angry.

Question #57
Dear Jolly ol' Slagar,
I'm a jolly hare who likes to munch on things now and then, but I'm not obsessed with food. All my friends, who will eat anything in sight, say I'm crazy, and my family, who are far worse, don't believe I'm family! They all call me "A flop headed rabbit!" and "Three eared hare!" They're also all very impolite, scoffing all the food in front of them, reaching over other hares plates, and sometimes even jumping on the jolly table to reach something on the bally other side! I'm lost for words, what should I jolly well do, ol' chap?

A hare named Bilsobey Jugh Hare, wot wot!

Jolly ol' Bilsobey,
Well, sah or marm (you weren't too blinkin' speciffic about the ol' gender, wot?), I'd suggest a swift name-change (should do you a bally lot of good with a name like that!) and moving far away. Wot?
(I took Harespeech as my language in High School.)

Question #58
Slagar, How did you find out about the city of Malkariss so you could sell slaves to them? In "Mattimeo" it says it wasn't your first trip there when you took Mattimeo and the Redwallers. -Avern the Evil Squirrel

Dear Avern,
I followed the neon lights and the yellow brick road. Sarcasm aside, I just stumbled across it one day while... y'know... slaving.

Question #59
Dear Slagar,

~Mr. Biglow Biggle

Dear Biglow,
Normally I'd give you advice... but it'll be too late for that now, right? Bwahahahaha!

Question #60
Dear Slagar,
This is Gabool. And I keep having these horrible nightmares about my annoying enemies trying to kill me! It, and the blasted bell sounding off every five minutes, is keeping me up nights. I haven't had sleep for a week and two days now! It's stressing me out so horrible! My eyes are always twicthing, I can't drink my wines (because my paws are shaking so much that it all falls out), I'm so restless that I even wish I had a teddy bear. Just to hug it! You can see my miserible state, even my old stress reliever of tormenting those fruity gammi bears isn't helping! Please tell me what to do!!!

Gabool the Wild

Dear Gabool,
...have you considered seeking psychiatric help?

Think your questions are worthy enough to be answered by one as cruel as I? E-mail me. I don't care if it's coming from a woodlander dibbun, a human teenager, or a vermin cheiftan. Ask me, I'm a lot smarter than you. :P

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.