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Slagar the Cruel:
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"Ask Slagar"
Page 13

Yes, that's right, "Ask Slagar" is now four years old, and my rage continues to... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #221
Dear Slagar,
OH NO!! Slagar! I had a horrible dream that YOU told me to shoot my brother, so I did while sleepwalking!! However, the stupid judge doesn't believe that I was asleep while I did it! HELP ME!! What do I do? I don't know why I had a dream that you told me to...
From,
Bigspike

P.S. MWAHAHAH!! You have been harrassed about "Redwall Villain Conventions" that you did not attend. Obviously, this means that I am the smarter one, as I chose a completely original name! Who would think of Bigspike? No one, that's who! I laugh at you because you were a "Redwall Villain." I will now laugh even louder!! HAHAHAHA----crap, here come the police. Gotta go.

Dear Bigspike,
Hmm... are you sure it was me? I haven't appeared in peoples dreams to make them murder others in a while. Not since last time, anyways. Last time... what a wondrously bizarre incident
that was. Even if it was a humiliating mistake, it was truly an exciting, insightful misadventure, the type perfectly suited for being related to others after the fact. Yeah. So anyways, what are you talking about in your postscript? What is so funny about me being a Redwall Villain? And in what way is the name "Slagar" not original? I mean, I double-checked before I wait WAIT WAITWAITWAIT!!! You're not one of those people who thinks they're allowed to address their letters to me (Slagar, the villain from Mattimeo) and the creator of this website simultaneously, are you? Well, I'd better despise you just in case.

Question #222
Dear slagerr:
*insert exceedingly sweet voice*
Hi slagerr!
How are you! you're back! I thought you were gone forever! My son Foamy is a huge fan of yours!
I just wanted to ask some questions concerning your new site... RUN SLAGAR, RUN!!!!! *drastacly decrease sweetness* FOAMY, IT'S PAST YOUR BEDTIME!
*cough* well then, shall i fire away? good. so, slagerr... what site did you use for making your website? do they have a record of inreliability? what programs do you use for making your games? what is your age? why did you chose barain jaoce's violent and unrealistic stories as a backround? and come to think of it, why do you make children think that you're an evil kidnapper and slave driver? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!?NOOOOO!!! SLAGAR! RUN! CLOSE IT NOWWW!!!! AAAAAAAAAARGGHH! MY ARM! MY ARM! WHY MOMMY, WHY?! FOAMY! LET MOMMY DO HER JOB! whew! I'm sorry slagerr, my son has the tendency to be overly dramatic. OK now for some Questions asked by parents: "do you realy expect us to believe your site is non profit?!" "why when you wrote not to write bad things in letters you sounded like you didn't care?!" "why in your advice column you tell children they are stupid and worthless?!" "what aid do you offer for my daughter's healthy mental and physical development" "WHY SLAGERR WHY!?!"
*sweet voice again*
if you don't answer all our our questions may your site slowly and painfuly disintegrate into thoasands of bits and bytes and #'s, and may you be humiliated in public by the pathetic barain jaoce himself. sincerely, brenda D. nuthouse the squirel :-))
(AND SERIAL JOURNALIST)
FOAMY!!! BE QUIET!!! YOU'RE HUMILIATING ME, AND YOURSELF ENOUGH FOR A LIFETIME!!! I'M SENDING YOU TO LIVE WITH YOUR FATHER IN DEATH ROW!!! OOPS, DID I SAY LIVE? GO, AND DIE!!!

Dear Foamy's Mother and Foamy who are clearly the same person,
They say that "666" is the number of the beast. I propose that "222" be made the number of the terrible "Ask Slagar" letter. Because this is one of the worst ones I've received yet. You refer to me as the person who created this website, your spelling is atrocious, I can hardly understand a great deal of the balderdash you've written... ugh. ATTN: POTENTIAL SUBMITTERS OF "ASK SLAGAR" QUESTIONS - the less your letters resemble this one, the better. That being said, thanks for your critique of "Ask Slagar"'s standards and practices! I feel I speak for the entire staff of "Ask Slagar" (and I do) when I say STOP WHINING, GO SOAK YOUR HEAD IN A VAT OF ACID.

In the off-chance that the mother of whoever really did pen this letter is reading... I feel it is my duty to inform you, ma'am, that your womb has unleashed an abomination upon the world.

Question #223
Very nice page you got!! I was woundering if you could look at my site and tell me what u think? Again nice site.

http://redwallfanpage.fordboyz.net/

Dear http://redwallfanpage.fordboyz.net/,
Thanks for complimenting my page. I'm not really sure why you find it so outstanding, as its a pretty standard piece of stationary, but whatever. I also thank you for complimenting my Site, although it strikes me as unlikely that you would have somehow discovered exactly where my corpse is buried. It's kind of unmarked. And deep beneath the ground. I'll be sure to check out the Site they bury you in if I get the chance. I'll be the one dancing merrily upon it.

Question #224
O mighty lord Slagar,
Why do people continue to reference Project S.L.A.G.A.R. in their "Ask Slagar" letters, when it has been expressly forbidden since the column's very inception?
-Slagar

Dear indomitable champion of villainy,
I don't know. There... is simply... NO... EXCUSE.

Question #225
Slagar
Lately, I've been really hungry, and desire a trifle to eat. BUT, no one I know kows how to make a trifle or buy one, so I'm stuck.
-Hungry Kitty.

Dear Hungry,
Thanks for the info. I hope you find someone who kows how to make a trifle or buy one. How about including a question next time, though?

Question #226
Hi Slagar....
I'm a HUGE!! fan of Cluny the Scourge , even made a site for him ( www.freewebs.com/ratsmin ) Infact...It's becoming quite a LOVE obbession...We'll Cluny is MEGA CUTE!! Can't blame me I'm only mortal *sigh* :) Just a few Questions to get your lazy whiskers twicting....

1.Why can't you be more like Cluny? You'll might get a few vixens sniffing around ;)
2. You totaly copied the Phantom of the Opera...Why?
3.Did you have any pets?
4.Can I kill you?

Thats all...Got to go...Few head to chop off...I love my job :)

Vipertooth the Slayer...Head-Hunter expert.

PS. Cluny twice the villan you'll ever be...HA!

Dear Vipertooth,
You're a HUGE!!! moron. I despise this letter almost as much as I despise your website. In fact, your "Cluny Shrine" is such a blemish upon the already scarred face of the internet that I've decided to link its address to a better site so that nobody else will have to suffer from exposure to it. Anyways, I'd better answer your terrible questions quickly so that I can put this whole incident behind me.

1. Would you shut up about that brutally mediocre Portugese rat already?! It's disgusting. I mean, if your writing ability is any indication, he's like eight times your age anyways.
2. Didn't you already send me this question? Or have you suppressed your memories of the pain you've previously suffered before my relentless logic?
3. I used to train ticks to attack on command as a hobby. Beyond that, no.
4. OK, SURE, GO AHEAD, BECAUSE IT IS NOT LIKE ANYTHING IS WRONG WITH SUCH A QUESTION, DURRRR. Have I mentioned that you're a complete imbecile? Or as you might put it, "houseplant twice the intellectual you'll ever be...".

Question #227
Dearest Slagar,
My husband was out riding on the back of a badger when he crashed it into a tree. Both he and the bader have suffered substantial injuries, and neither my husband (who happens to be leader of a gang of ferrets) or the badger (who is the slave) can repay the damage done to the tree. The tree is threatening to sue us both, and we don't know what to do!
- Blueclaw

Dear Blueclaw,
Okay, I'm sorry, but I just can't visualize this. Before I can help you, I'd need some more information. Why would a badger be soliciting piggy-back rides to ferrets? Why would said badger direct himself towards the area's fauna? How could said fauna afford an attorney? Was the tree deciduous, coniferous, or ignatius? The answer to any one of these questions could make or break your case. So good luck with piecing all of that together, hardly objectionable yet frankly generic vermin name. I mean Blueclaw.

Question #228
Dear soul beyond the grave.
I am the seer to lord Greyfang the War Chieften of the fellstoat tribe. lately my master has been having dark dreams of varius forms of conquest and domination and has questioned me for an anwser to thier meaning. I have surmised that they are premonitions of things yet to come but i lack the proper reagents necessary to pinpoint the exact meaning. I will need the fingerbones of a fox oppressor long dead. You, as a slaver, should be just what I need for the rituel. However after all my meditations I have not been able to locate where your body rests. So I decided to talk directly to the source and whipped up a simple talk-beyond-the-veil spell. I was wondering if you could give me some help in finding your resting place like, I dont know, a cryptic rthyme or something, does evil have thier own mascot? A evil counterpart to the famous Martin the warrior? I could use a hint.

Grimeye the seer.

P.S. seeing as you were well versed in herbolgy before your uh new career, I wondered if you could suggest a good plant or leaf for incense to clear up that irritating foggyness that usaully accompanies visions. Thanks

Dear Grimeye,
Sure, why not? It'll make my gravesite that much more visible when someone finally gets around to bringing me back to life. Just don't bust up my body too much while you're extracting my digits. And put them back when you're done with them. Like I said, I might be needing them in the future.

   Beneath the sands, forgotten by time
   Lie my ancient and evil remains
   Ye who hath recieved my rhyme
   Seek me out before my patience wanes
   If thou art the one who seeks where I fell
   I'll tell you without being gabby
   Chances are, my corpse is still in a well
   'Round the ruins of Loamhedge Abbey

There, I gave you directions to where I am that won't take ages to figure out. Let's see that hack Martin do THAT. By the way, the herb you're looking for is... uh... cauliflower.

Question #229
Dear Slagar
I'm a young female hedgehog who is about 20 seasons old. I got sent on this treasure hunt with a badger and a dormouse and a old rat-lady and a really big bird who scares the spikes off me. I mean, we were just walking across the bridge and the bird just goes and randomly kills this stoat. There was blood everywhere, it was disgusting! Anyway, in order to take my mind off the carnage (and that annoying dormouse who keeps making fun of my father.) I decided to ask you a few questions.

1) Is Steeve the Nasty really your brother? He hangs out with this Marlfox a lot, and I thought you guys just sort of hated them...
2) Do hedgehog spikes make decent toothpicks?
3) Do you buy Vole Scout cookies?
4) Have you ever sniffed October Ale?
5) Isn't there a law against naming a character Liam?
6) Are you the fox who blew his nose on my shirt yesterday? It sure looked like you. He stole my belt, too.
7) How many x's are there in this sentence?

Sincerely,
Alacia Q.

Dear Alacia,
Your backstory is as convoluted as it is irrelevant to the contents of your letter. You are not required to kick off your letter with a not-so-brief summary of your life and acquaintances. Just so you know.

1) No? I never said that he was. He's my COUSIN. Your attempt to appear well-versed in "Ask Slagar" trivia has FAILED!
2) Decent? More like the best ever.
3) Only the ones with actual vole scouts in them. I accept no substitutes.
4) Is that what they're calling it these days?
5) Why do you ask? ...seriously, why in the
Hellgates do you ask?!
6) YEAH, SURE IT WAS, BECAUSE I CAME BACK TO LIFE FOR A COUPLE MINUTES YESTERDAY JUST TO EMPTY MY NASAL CAVITIES UPON YOUR GARMENTS AND TO SWIPE YOUR BELT, WHOOPS I GUESS YOU CAUGHT ME! Ignoramus.
7) Ironically enough, the answer is equal to the score of your IQ. Sorry, that comeback was less than brilliant, but when dealing with a letter that obviously took so little effort to write, it's hard to exert much in return.

Question #230
un-dear slagary type person:
if you were forced to trade bodys with any animal other than a fox, which would you chose? if i recieve a sarcastic answer, YOUR HEAD IS MINE!

Dear lack of capitalization,
Let's be honest for a second. If you weren't expecting a sarcastic reply to your question, you most likely wouldn't have sent it to me in the first place. Or at least you wouldn't have done so with such flagrant disregard for capitalization, when everyone knows that diabolical slavers such as myself are sticklers for good English. Anyways, I don't really know what animal I'd trade bodies with if given the chance. I can't think of any animal in the history of zoology that has ever been greater than the proud species of foxes. But if I had to choose, I'd probably become a tiger. Or a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Or even something crazy and out-of-place, like a wolf. Yeah, something in that neighborhood would be a relatively small step down from foxhood.

Question #231
Dear Slagar,
Look. Someone new and not obviously an insane spaz.. Meh. Skipping the annoying blahness, I've been working on a sort of short story, and I need an evil character. They're necessary to get rid of those pesky 'good guys', you know. Unfortunately, I've never been able to come out with a baddy that didn't have some fatal flaw that made them just.. bad. Not really evil. I've never been able to come up with a really evil character, which is a problem indeed. You seem a great roll model for that sort of thing. I need your advice. What are chief characteristics I need, to make a great evil character like yourself?

~Destiny

Dear Destiny,
Thanks for cutting the blahness. I appreciate it. Though I do not appreciate your use of the word "blahness". Oh well, at least you didn't say something like "scuz". If there's one word I can't stand, it's "scuz".

[EDITOR'S NOTE: see Question #78 for further details! Kapow!!]

You need help identifying the components which make up a truly evil villain, hmm? That's easy. A good antagonist must be remorseless, black-hearted, devoid of pity, self-centered, not compassionate.... wait, these are all different ways of saying the same thing. Maybe I should go about explaining this a different way. Listen, 'Tiny, what you need to do is take all virtues and standards that are becoming of "good" characters, and then exclude or invert all of them in a way that balances perfectly into an evil individual such as myself. For instance, it is becoming of "goodies" to... not wear red and blue checkerboarded capes and masks. See how you can make timelessly subversive characters this way?

Question #232
Dear Slagar,
Have you ever noticed that it's nearly impossible to kill a badger? And even when you do, he fights valiantly to his death, killing nearly all of your horderats while his friends show up out of nowhere and save the day?

Or does this just happen to me?

Sincerely,
Gatclaw Vrann of the Badlands(just north of Hoboken)

P.S. And yes, I already recruited a wolverine into my horde ranks, but he was killed by a squirrel with an awful Scottish brogue. I honestly don't know how that's possible, but hey, what can you do?

Dear Gatclaw,
Just north of Hoboken...? Hold up a minute, is that Hoboken, Mossflower, or... Hoboken, New Jersey? Because I looked into it, and I'm... pretty sure there isn't a Hoboken in Mossflower. I think you're looking at some bad maps, or something. Because I'm really, really sure that there aren't any badgerlords in or around New Jersey. Though admittedly, despite my vast and diverse intelect, my knowledge of this "New Jersey" is rather limited. It's just that, all my research indicates that this New Jersey is a horrible arid wasteland in which nothing with a soul can survive for long. Anyways, now that I've voiced my suspicions regarding your offhand reference to your point of origin: yes, the problem you've described is common to all badgerlord encounters as far as I've been able to tell. As for why, my guess is simple fatal favoratism. You know, like how the good guys always seem to triumph in the end despite all odds? Yeah, it's kind of like that. I swear, sometimes it's almost like there's some kind of all-powerful being lording over our world, arranging events and circumstances so as to facilitate formulaic drama...

Question #233
Dear Slagar the Cruel,
Does this sound plausible to you?--An otter is hit in the chest with an arrow from a ferret's bow while charging said ferret. Not missing a step(or even losing momentum following what should be a fatal blow), the otter continues charging the ferret and beheads him. Then, the otter turns his attention to a retreating weasel and chases said weasel miles into the forest. Bare in mind the weasel has no arrow in chest...and a headstart...and a track medal. Despite these obvious advantages, the weasel is eventually run down and a battle takes place. The weasel, supposedy big, taciturn, and well versed in the art of death(and with no arrow jutting out of his chest), loses to the otter and is killed, his spear snapped in half. Am I wrong to question the plausibility of such events?

Dumbfounded in the Dark Forest,
Signed: Eefera.

P.S. All of my childhood role models are making clowns of themselves in their letters to you. Ferahgo used to be my idol and now I find out that he's a female...stoat? Ungatt Trunn appears to be roleplayed by a 14-year old(but how could that be?), and I don't even want to talk about Sixclaw(who like Ferahgo, appears to have undergone a sex change.) I mean, it's just weird.

Dear Eefera,
No, of course not! What are you talking about? That's just... what? While he's got an arrow in him? No. No way. Why do you even ask? Even as a hypothetical proposition it baffles me. No. Where do you get this stuff? I'd say that you can't make this stuff up, but that would mean you're drawing it from your own personal experience, and that would just be... no, I just can't see it. In regards to your disappointment with many of the ex-warlords who have penned submissions to this column: yes, I feel rather the same way. I've begun to suspect that some of those who write in to "Ask Slagar" are... NOT WHO THEY CLAIM TO BE!!! Shocking, I know. I just HATE imposters, who think it's funny to take on the moniker and exaggerated mannerisms of well-known creatures. But, that's just a possibility. By the way, I hope you can attend the cotillion I'm throwing for Deceased Vermin Who Actually Have Sense later this month. And thanks for reminding me to strike Ferahgo and Sixclaw from the guest list.

Question #234
Slagar the Cruel,
What's the deal? I get killed 115 pages into a story where I'm the best villain? Ruggan Bor? He basically named his tribe after a Salamandastron badger lord! Golden furred?!? How is that supposed to be terrifying?
Okay, that's not really why I wrote you this...letter on...uh, parchment... Here's the deal--I've been doing a lot of thinking here in the Dark Forest; I mean, what else are you going to do when it's so dark and forest-like? Well, that's when I came up with the idea--slavedriving...in the dark...Is there like a starter kit or something that I need to pick up? I figure you're the guy to go to on this subject...Vilu Daskar was less than helpful.

Signed with wrath,
Sawney Rath.

Dear Sawney,
I'm afraid that no, slaving in the Dark Forest is not an option. Don't you think that, if it WAS possible, I would have already been doing it? While we're on the subject, though, why is everyone always asking me about how things work in the Dark Forest? Am I supposed to be the expert on the afterlife or what? Well, actually, backed by the vast stretches of my wisdom, I suppose I am! Just call me Slagar the Cruel, lord of light and dark, master of life and death, center of time and space, expert on the afterlife. That has a nice ring to it.

Question #235
Dear Slagar,
I recently got shipwrecked on an unchartered island with a fellow otter, a hare, a marlfox, and a wearet. We had plenty of provisions to start out with, but the hare ate all of them in one day. He also ate the wearet. What should we do to this inconsiderate jerk?

I hope you get this letter, which I sent in this novelty bottle of radish whiskey,
Carndel Visk

p.s. We can't seem to find the marlfox anywhere. Either he's magic or the hare ate him, too.

Dear Cardinal Vischleu,
You were on a ship with a Marlfox and a Wearet...? What boat were you ON?! The S.S. Super-Crazy-Freak-Vermin Bunch?

hay slager it is me, gartar from twrfnfceva (taht is coad for teh sotry u find in teh "FANFICION" session of tihs webpage, and u may also know me from stcc2c ware i am freakwantly apeering beeluved charie, newaz i had 80,000 marlfoxes in my hoard and also prboaly @ leest 50,000 weerats, i jus neva said abot them caus e it was a suprise, so make lik a leaf and lay of off us who hang around w/ weerd vermins, mang

Shouldn't you be flaking candy off of the walls around now, you fool to end all fools? Ugh. Anyways, about the cannibalistic hare... what I'm thinking you should do is trick him... into eating *himself*. Eh? Pretty clever, right? It's a fool-proof plan. Well, unless you are the fool to end all fools. In which case you can probably unprove it. Or something.

Question #236
Slagar the Cruel--
You don't know me yet, but I'm going to be joining you in the Dark Forest real soon. How do I know, you ask? Let's just say I have a feeling some peaceloving creatures are going to search me out for some 'come-uppance' real soon. Do you have any advice for newcomers to the Dark Forest?

Love your slavedriving ways,
Riggu Felis

Dear Riggu,
Hmm... hard to say. If you're a dead vermin, your luck is pretty much shot already. There are, however, a few things that I've learned while not living in the Dark Forest which I'd like to share with you:

  1. Don't try to hoodwink Martin the Warrior during your first week, or the administration will be riding your tail for the rest of your afterlife.
  2. Brace yourself to get completely harassed by anybeast you've murdered during your life. And after you're through with that, prepare to get harassed by every single family member or friend that creature EVER HAD.
  3. Don't play with matches. It seems harmless enough, I know, but the WHOLE PLACE is MADE OF WOOD. Dark, ethereal wood. Which is easily flammable.
  4. If you're into drama, check out the Bat Theater, two blocks down from the Shady Oak. I hear their latest production of "Romeo, Romeo and Juliet, Juliet" is quite a show. Although their take on "Death, Death, Of, Of, A, A, Salesman, Salesman" was rather tacky, if you ask me.
  5. Stay out of the vermin cafeteria. Let's just say that it's a very good thing that deadbeasts don't need to eat.
  6. Keep away from anyone you meet who refers to themselves as "non-canon", such as that reocurring lunatic Gartar. Usually these characters will be either incomprehensible, or not at all reconcilable with our reality. I'm just glad that only a few managed to leak in... BUT! That's a tale for another time. Or never. Let's go with the latter.
  7. Don't vandalize the foreheads of creatures more powerful than yourself. I used to have a blast doing this, but after a while I ran out of places to hide.
  8. Just to make sure that I was clear earlier, do NOT eat in the vermin cafeteria. I cannot stress this enough. The stuff they serve is so toxic that it will eat away at more of you than you will eat of it.

Good luck with the whole "Hyrulian" thing, by the way. Hope you die in a less painful manner than I did!

Question #237
Dear Slagar,
Iím having a major problem. You see, Mokkan has REALLY been getting on my case lately and all. I canít get him to shut up, and since weíre both-well-dead, Iím not entirely sure how to solve this problem. Iím hoping I might get relocated, but I donít think itís really going to happen. And Mokkan is just having the time of his life, bossing us around. RRRRRRRG! Iím actually quite lucky to have five minutes to write a letter to you. PLEASE tell me how to get rid of him! Iíve tried everything I can think of! Oh, and also: how many people can you fit onto grandmaís feather bed?

Thank you for your Sage Advice,
~Lady Predak

Dear Predak,
Hmph! Like I'd help a *Marlfox*, especially one with as much audacity as you. You guys think you're just the bee's knees, don't you? You think you're the bee's meow! The know-all, bee-all, end-all of the universe! Sticking an offhand reference to your "grandma's feather bed" into the end of your letter... BAH! I curse your black pelts, you silly axe-wielding cretins! I vomit at the mention of your names, you ill-advised, ill-considered, ill-tempered imbecils! So anyways, I'd advise that you invent earplugs and ignore your older brother until he gets off of your "case". Very illustrative description of your problem, by the way. Oh yeah, and ask Ascrod if he wants to go bowling on Thursday.

Question #238
Deer Slagar the Gabool, Im Just Yor Humble Evryday Rat. I Hav An Abbot Of Following Weird/Uniq Hord Bosses. Marlfoxies, Wolffoxies, Foxfoxies, Pine Martins, Monitor Lizards, Whyt Ferrets, and Ssssssssnakesssssss. Hur hur. That's What They Always Tell Me--Ssssssssnakesssssss. Anyways, Im Concernd That I May Be A Bit Of A Stereotyp. Also, I Think I May Be Too Impresshanable. Help Me, Slagar Gabool. Help Me.

Signd,
Henchrat

Dear Henchrat,
I'm not a Gabool! Why do you insist otherwise, you... well, I'd refer to you as a twit, but that wouldn't do your mental deficience justice in the least. I mean, your letter doesn't make a lick of sense. An Abbot, following weird and/or unique horde bosses? Abbots don't
follow horde bosses. At least not to my knowledge, although I suppose a conspiracy *might* be afoot. Anyways, later in your letter you use the phrase, "Hur hur". In doing this you've clearly revealed yourself as a mole. So no, you get no help! Go tunnel back into your mole-hole, mole, and stop sending me lies!

Question #239
dear slagar
i boin't da ould flogstik'a wonce in da auld lang fogger. What da ya t'ink I should do aboat it?

sincerly
maister dibbun flogstik'a

Dear... Frogsticker?
What? What is this letter? Are you supposed to be a dibbun whose understanding of language is comically fragmented? Dost thou speaketh in ye auld English? Or are you just being stupid? Think I'll stick with the latter hypothesis. In that case, the answer to your question... as to what I "t'ink ya shoud do about da ould flogstik'a ya boin't in da auld lang fogger". Right. My answer is... um... soak your head in a vat of acid. No, wait, start a slavery racket. Meteors did it. I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?!

Question #240
i is MATheww t3h warrier1!!111!!11 i slay u good wid a sw0rd in yer hed. lollololol me roxorz11111!!!!!11 u sed i shuld gett realistic chrarcter l0ng time ago111!! wel,, i hav 1 big flaw11!!!1111!! ever1 is jelous of me cuz i rock so much!1!!!!!!1 lolz11!!!1 y d0nt u check ur facts??///??/? lolz

~Matthew the Warrior

PS: me roxorz!11!!111!!!111 i kill you gud!!11

Dear Matthew,
By the claw, what's happened to you? Now, don't think I don't remember you. Back in the old days of this infernal advice collumn column, you were the worst of the worst... a sort of nemesis, standing out starkly among the wishy-washy hordes of less offensively poorly-concocted questions. You disappeared, and now three or four years later you resurface, 869% stupider than the last time we met. Which because of your previous lack of intellect, by the way, makes you a mathematical anomaly. Ordinarally I would mock you, but now it's... it's just sad, is all. I could derive no more pleasure from shredding apart such a feeble mind than I could from slaying a pile of rotting vegetable matter. So I'm sorry, Matthew, but as much as I would enjoy revisiting the old days of verbally destroying your sorry tail, I'm afraid it just wouldn't work out. Be terrible to yourself, old foe.

So remember, folks: send me an e-mail, unless you are going to mention Project S.L.A.G.A.R. even though it forces me to go out-of-character, because if you send such a letter it will be immediately deleted.





Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.


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