Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 12

Yes, that's right, you fools who wouldn't be worthy to lick my boots, even if... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #201
Dear Slagar,
So you're back, eh? That's good (and when I say good, I mean horrible) to see. But we don't need to trade insults (yet). I have a question first: what about having me on Coast to Coast at some point? I mean, it's the only way to get some exposure around here...and people are forgetting how much I rule. I think it's time for the requisite PR appearance.
~Boar the Fighter

Dear Boar,
Yes, I'm back (against my will, mind you) from my year-long vacation, you lousy, loathsome, loudmouthed lunatic. And, as you can plainly see, I've lost none of my razor-sharp wit. Oops, you said we DON'T need to trade insults yet. Oh well, I suppose there will be time for that later, you laughable louse. So, you want to make an appearance on my show, eh? Well, I have one word for you: never. Because that is never, EVER going to happen. NEVER.

[Editor's Note: Boar the Fighter will be appearing in the fifth episode of Slagar the Cruel: Coast to Coast - Eulalia! Coming soon to Project S.L.A.G.A.R.! Now, back to the column.]

...Well, I stand corrected. Curses.

Question #202
Dear Slagar,
I've recently cleaned out my berth in the Dark Forest, and I can't seem to find my crown. Did I perchance leave it at your place? Also, do you happen to know when the next Redwall Villains convention is to take place? I think my invitation got lost in the mail.
-Emperor Ublaz.

PS, I seriously am. On Terrouge. And on the site I operate. And no, I'm not the one from INSU. He's dead. He's gone. They killed him. There's only one Ublaz now and I'm him. Ask Vilu Daskar or Mokkan. They'll tell you.

PPS, I'm a huge fan. I took the WRFE to school and read portions of it aloud during art class. They painted me orange. Can you kill them for me?

Dear Ublaz,
Um... I'm recieving mixed signals about your identity in this letter, Ublaz. Whatever, I'll attempt to answer your questions regardless. And "attempt" is the perfect word to describe my answer to your first question, because I have no idea where your crown is, or who would possibly want to steal it. I mean, what is that thing made of? Tin? Aluminum? Recycled Altoid containers? The point I'm trying to make, Emperor, is that it's not all that impressive. So yeah, I can't help you there. I can't really help you on the "Redwall Villains convention" matter, either. You might have missed the memo, but you've been kicked out of the Redwall Villains Union. Probably because you kept hypnotizing the other members. Like that time when you got Tsarmina to jump into various bodies of water. Seriously, man marten, what were you THINKING?! I'm surprised that they were even able to piece you TOGETHER after she came to.

Moving on to the Postscripts... see, here's where I start to get mixed signals. Why would a dead vermin Emperor be a member of... Tierra-rojo, or whatever it's called? Or run a website for that matter? More importantly, what is INSU? Let me try to figure this out... Infernal... Nitwits... Sending... Questions? No, wait, I'm thinking of "Ask Slagar". Bwahaha! That's a first-class zinger, right there.

[Editor's Note: I know what Imperial Navy Serving Ublaz was. Slagar doesn't. It's supposed to be humorous. BA-DUM-PSHHH. Okay? Back to the answer at hand.]

I'm glad to hear that you're a fan of the column, although I'm a bit disappointed by your support of a lesser feature such as The Worst Redwall Fanfic Ever. I'd say more, but I'm afraid of that... well, fool is an understatement, but that FOOL Gartar... I'm afraid that he'd show up. Because it would be relevant. So, you were reading this aloud in art class? I've said it before, I'll say it again: MIXED. SIGNALS. And no, I'm not going to kill them for you, unless you find a way to revive me.

Question #203
Dearest Slagar,
At a young age, I was forced to join a horde by the order of my mother, (who, unfortunately, leads the horde) Sure, it's a good life, pillaging, killing, and generally being villainous, but I have a problem.
The truth is that my lifelong dream has been to become a pop-star. I'm bullied and teased constantly because of my high voice, and every time I've come across an instrument, my mother hacks it with her sword before I even have a chance to compose a ballad. I've been planning on escaping the horde, along with my servants, Dirtfang and Crustnose, (who could play a smashing ukulele and nose-flute duet, if they had the chance), as well as the sequined band uniforms I've been sewing- er -working on.
Do you have any advice for a soon-to-be-famous musician? And, if I may be so bold to ask, do you have a favourite instrument?
Yours ever so sincerely, Ringo the Singing Rat

ps. Do you think silver sequins on a mauve fabric is more preferable, or should I just go for the 'green homespun' look and add some glitter?

Dear Ringo the Rat,
So... you aspire to become a "pop" musician? And your name is Ringo? Hmmm... my advice for you is to seek out a fox named John, a weasel named Paul, and a stoat named George. Seriously, though, what's wrong with you? You're the heir to a powerful horde, you have all kinds of murderous mayhem you could be getting into... and what do you do? You sew sequined clothes and try to get some rat with a nasal defect to play backup for some half-baked band? Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Here's a look I think you should try: a DEAD one. Yeah. I'm saying that I wish DEATH upon you. What of it?

Question #204
Dear Slagar,
I’ve got a few questions for you. Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it.

1. What is the best way to skin a cat?
2. How do you kill the hero from the Redwall books, aside from waiting for him to die of old age?
3. Why does good always defeat evil? I’m a nice person.
4. Why does Martin always point out a hero in Redwall just before a vermin invasion?
5. Why can’t there just be a good ole war, with no boss characters?
6. Why is it that it only takes one swift arrow to kill a big, monstrously strong rat that could eat a mouse whole, yet it takes over five to kill a mouse?
7. Why do the Redwallers have this presumption that vermin are evil? I mean, the Abbot always seems to welcome the vermin and offer them food for their journey, and the next thing you know, he’s ordering Skipper to kill them off.
8. Why aren’t foxes ruling the world?

That’s most of my questions. I hope you can answer them. As for Ublaz’s letter, I’d like to know when the Redwall Villain’s plotting meeting is going to be. I’m pretty sure we’re planning on cutting Martin’s whiskers off and burning them. Yeah. And then we tease Rose until the badger godmoders *coughBoarthefightercough* come and chase us off.

~Predak the Marlfox
P.S. What is this nonsense about your talk show and “Marlish?” It’s an outrage to the Marlfox kind! And besides, I thought you were friends with my kid brother Ascrod. Dude, make up your mind!!!!

Dear Predak,
Oh, joy. A numbered list. I guess it's true what they say... there's only three inevitable things in life: death, taxes, and morons sending seemingly endless lists of questions to "Ask Slagar". None of the above have been much fun to me. (Okay, I've never really had to pay taxes, but it sounds pretty bad.)

1) I can't say I've ever tried, but I suppose it'd be the same as with any creature... so I'D USE MY BARE HANDS.
2) If you don't have enough time set aside on your schedule to wait around for a lifetime, you could try... I don't know... ATTACKING THEM? You'll probably lose, but hey, those are the breaks.
3) If you're a nice person, why are you worrying about it? Anyways, as I said, those are just the breaks.
4) He doesn't always. He didn't in that one... that one invasion. With the otters and the squirrels, and the vermin. Remember that one? That was great.
5) What do you mean, "boss characters"? This isn't a video game, Predak. Don't believe me? Try impaling yourself on a rusty spike and then check if your HP bar has gone down, or if you're just dead.
6) Because... I don't know! What are you talking about?! This better not be another game reference. Because I don't think my hatred gland could take much more of those.
7) Well, doesn't the fact that the Abbot lets the vermin rest at the Abbey in the first place imply that Redwallers DON'T presume unfairly that vermin are evil? Wait a second, this is a chance to defame Redwall. Uh... REDWALL ABBEY IS THE WORST! THEY'RE ANTI-VERMIN, SO DON'T GO THERE! BOYCOTT OCTOBER ALE!
8) I struggle with this question every waking moment of my life.

Question #205
To Slagar, or whom it may concern:
I have now established myself as the Eggo Fairy, and have bestowed gifts of Eggos to everyone I know. But I have reached a wall, a problem I cannot get my mind around.
This year's presidential election in the United States held bitterness and anger, which was liberally dispersed to everyone who dared hold an opinion. I dared, and my candidate won. Now I find myself shunned and hated. What is it I can do to make my former friends my friends again?
There is a second part to this email, and it is very important. I find myself wasting time constantly. How can I fix this?
Before I close, I would also like your advice on how to survive a Redwall survivor contest. I died in fourth place in one, and am unable to continue in my life because of this.
The One and Only Big Eggo Fairy

Dear Eggo Fairy,
Remind me, who are you supposed to be? I think you used to be that Mensa twerp, but then I called you an Eggoish little fairy, and apparently something's happened to your... self since I did that. Okay, let's just go with that... aaand HOLD ON, NO POLITICS. Oh Hellgates, do you know how much flak I'm going to take just for allowing ANY comments about Earth politics to appear in this column? It's just not worth it. Actually, I'm going to cross out everything you said about politics and hope that all of you idiots just ignore it.
As for your time-wasting problem... well, I've got some ideas for how you can constructively spend your time. Sow evil and despair throughout the world, and do wicked to the weak for your own gain! Muahahaha! Or work on a way to revive me. Although I've been dead for... a while... so something tells me you won't have much luck.
As for this "Redwall survivor contest"... how did you even manage to survive THAT long? You'd think they'd have some kind of policy about Eggo Fairies that bar them from success. Or entering. Or living. Seriously, and I know this is kind of hypocritical because your name stems from me insulting you, but you need to do something about your persona. It's just reminds me too much of paltry breakfast victuals. I'm almost starting to miss the "egotistical Mensa member" phase. Key word: almost.

Question #206
Dearest Slagar,
I have been awaiting on your arrival for a year, and I am begining to rot. As you may remember, you were invated to the Queen of All Evil Plots's ball last year, but you never answered my knocking at the door. Now the Queen is angry with me and I do not wish to return to my home, in fear of getting executed.
- Merfle the Small Annyoing Rat
PS. You are still invited to this year's ball. It's at the Dark Forest Convention Center on January 5th at 6:00

Dear Merfle,
I... what? I've been invaded to the Queen of All... who? What's all this about? I don't know you. Stop e-mailing me. RE: PS. Dark Forest Convention Center... what? No. Just stop.

Question #207
Dear Slagar,
How are you? It is nice to see another evil face in the Dark Forest. Luke has been driving me mad, claiming that he died honorably, whereas I died with cowardice. Would you mind helping me out here? I want proof that someone has died with less honor than me... so of course you are the perfect choice.
Thank you,
Vilu Daskar

Dear Vilu,
Was that "less honor" bit a shot at me? Oh, you little rascal, you. Well, I guess you have a right to brag. I mean, you're SUCH a memorable antagonist, with SO many interesting and unique strengths and quirks. Like the fact that you own a boat. Or your thirst for treasure. Or, and this is the real twist: the way you actually ride in said boat over water. Plus, you call your ship the Goreleech. Sarcasm aside... Goreleech? Please. The name of a corsair ship should be striking, even elegant, in an evil sort of way. Goreleech sounds like a name you'd give to your pet tapeworm.

Question #208
Dear Slagar,
I'm having mice problems! No matter what I do, the horrid rodents keep getting into my house, ruining my food, and even my computer cords! Just last night I saw a whole horde of them chewing away at my fridge! I think they're trying to take over my whole house! I've tried mouse traps and poison, but nothing works! The things just keep coming! What should I do?
Mouse Hater

Dear Mouse Hater,
Is this new-school vermin slang? Is your "house" supposed to mean your camp? Then what does "fridge" represent, I wonder? I don't know, probably something cool. Haha, get it, cool, because a fridge is... anyways, my advice for you is: be steady keepin' your rats strung on that flickity-fly wire, and keep them mice outta the kitch until you got some sling-caps to bust at the... wait, what am I doing? I should be insulting your confusing lingual variance, not emulating it! You're terrible. End of story.

Question #209
Dearest Slagario,
I found your reply to my last letter to be somewhat uncouth. I'll have you know that a warlord's crown might well be their most valuable posession. I think you're just jealous because I was the only one to ever capture the Abbot. (Speaking of which, Daskar still owes me his scimitar over that bet.) Besides, you have a proven history of theft, shiny things in particular, if I recall right.

Oh, dear me. They kicked me out for hypnosis? But, but, but, that's my trademark! It's what makes me more special than, oh, say, a masked fox, or a neurotic wildcat. I think that the Redwall Villains Union is racist against pine martens. I'll be back!

-Ublaz, who is now researching a career in investigative journalism.

Dear Ublazuigi,
First of all, I'm glad that you cleared up that little identity crisis you seemed to be having. It's too bad, because that might have been one of the reasons why your sorry tail got booted from the Redwall Villains Union. I really doubt it was anything about your "race", considering that we mostly tend to divide ourselves into groups based on actual biological differences of species in this world. In which case, yeah, it might have been because your species has been found to be horrible.
Now about the accusation you've launched against me... a history of stealing shiny things? Only once. It was at a party and I was - oh wait, you mean after I escaped Redwall's Infirmary. Yeah, I guess I did. But something I WOULDN'T steal is your crown. Because as I have previously mentioned, it is of extremely poor quality. Man, I hate replying to "follow-up" letters. I hope the next question is more original.

Question #210
Dearest Slager,
I am very displeased at your insutling insult towards the Queen of All Evil Plots, and that I- I mean we are plotting your doom at this very moment. I am sorry to say that your fate involves cheese, a pointy object, two evil cats, and back packs. I must send this now, because you're not supposed to know any of this, and that I'm doing this because I'm a big fan of yours.
Also, how do you stop an enraged cat from tearing up your paw? Honestly, this cat will claw you up if you even go near it and its my job to feed it, so what do I do?
-Merfle the Small Annoying Rat

Dear Merfyl the Lesser,
Alas, the irony. Because it's another follow-up letter. *sigh* Let's get this over with. You're plotting against me? Oh, I'm SO scared. My immortal soul is surely endangered by your use of comedically unrelated objects. Let's see... you want to use cheese, a pointy object, two evil cats, and back packs against me? But hey, where are you going to get the cheese grater? Is this "Queen of All Idiotic Nuts" a cat? Why do you think it was called for to mention backpacks when in all likelihood you would only use them to hold the other objects?

[Editor's Note: AWWW, HERE IT GOES.]

As for the cat problem... fling your own body towards the cat and allow yourself to be used as the sustenance for what is probably a superior being. Unless this cat is the Queen of all Idiotic Nuts, that is. If it IS the "Queen", let her starve.

Question #211
Dear Slacker,
Yeah, I know, a crummy “typo” of your name making fun of you. But your last response to me was. . . well. . . lacking. You didn’t really answer ANY of my questions; rather you referred them to “video games.” I mean, since we’re both in the Dark Forest, there aren’t supposed to BE any “video games.” And yet you bring up references to them. I mean, it would be okay to make fun of “video games” if I had brought them up, but you, YOU of ALL people, bring them up out of the blue!!!! I think you are losing your touch, Slacker.

Okay, finally some questions after my rant. WITHOUT numbered lists. HA!

Why are you so uptight about your stupid suicidal death? Gosh, you should be honored to have died that way! You are the ONLY main villain that didn’t get murdered by a “goodbeast” or slain by your own devices. Here’s a list:

Ungatt Trunn: Killed by badgerlord and Groddil, whichever.

Vilu Daskar: Killed by Luke.

Badrang: Slain by Martin. That no-good stinkin rotten goody-goody. . .

Tsarmina: Slain by Martin. Errrrr, a pool of water. Same thing. *cough*

Swartt Sixclaw: Killed by Sunstripe (Yes, SunSTRIPE. Read an old edition of Mossflower.)

Gabool: Slain by his own pet Scorpion thingy.

Urgan Nagru: Oh man! This guy was killed by a Redwall hero AND his own devices!!!!

Cluny: Slain by Matthias. Or rather, the bell. But Matthias KNEW the bell would squish him.

Slagar: Fell down a well! Boohoo.

Ublaz: Killed by his own devices: his STOOPID snake.

Damug Warfang: Killed by ole Cregga, who squished him. Why are all these rats getting squished?

The Marlfoxes: All slain by “goodbeasts.” Blech!!!!

The Villains in Taggerung: Yup, killed by ole Tagg.

Princess Kurda: She fell on her sword. Brilliant.

Raga Bol: Slain by his soldiers’ spears.

That Wolverine: Oh yeah. Tamm stabbed him in da tummy.

You see, you should be proud.

Next question:

Why is it that a badgerlord can kill about 700 tough armored rats before dying, yet a single wildcat (yes, Tsarmina, I’m talking about YOU) cannot defeat a wounded armored mouse? I mean, I don’t think the armor should matter too much.

Why is it that it takes only one harvest-mouse arrow to fell a strong sinewy rat, yet it takes at least 2 to kill a young female squirrel, who isn’t exactly the toughest thing around?

Why don’t we (the foxes, I mean) gather a bunch of rats and play wargames with the Goodbeasts? I bet we could bet them. Easy as stealin’ spinach from Popeye. Or somthin like that.

Why is it that you refer to “video games?” What is a video game anyhow? Vie dee ho game? Must be some new sort of tourcher chamber where you put masked foxes on the rack. . .

This is one really long email, huh?

That’s all for now.

Anon. Vixen
(aka, Predak)

Dear Predak: too long; didn't read.

Question #212
Dear Slagar,
Still stuck working the advice collumn, eh Slagar? Ah well, it's a lot better than what Gabool's doing, I guess. Speaking of which, I haven't seen you at the last Redwall villains convention, where were you? Anyway, I've got a problem. In the past I was a slaver, but when I died, I realized that what I really wanted to be, more than anything in the world, what I was really, really dying to do was to be an opera soloist! Yes, it's true, but I'm not sure what to do. Every day I practice my scales, but it just doesn't seem to be working. What should I do?
Badrang the Tyrant.
P.S Do you know how to get rid of squirrels? Felldoh's really getting annoying.

Dear Badrang,
I doubt very much that Gabool's job is worse than mine. Now, his mental issues have gotta be through the roof, but I don't think operating a belltower is too bad unless you're... you know, bellaphobic. Regarding the last RVC, I was totally there. You probably missed me because I was out back with Ferahgo and Ascrod, designing makeshift shurikens with which to injure passing creatures. (By the way, Ferahgo did NOT actually have a gender change OR a species change, so that guy who wrote in, like, a year ago was an impostor. Which is crazy. Who in the world would impersonate a villain from the Redwall series?) So anyways, Ruggan Bor ended up getting on my case about having less shiney fur, so I left a little early. Sorry I missed you, but... wait wait WAIT, opera soloist? No, I'm not touching that. It's a horrible career choice, and I refuse to advocate your persual of it in any way shape or form.
RE: Squirrels - no idea. The only species-speciffic encounter-panacea I am aware of is for voles. So you're on your own with that, too. Don't take it personally, I just don't care about your problems or like you.

Question #213
Helo, Salgar.
Tihs is Scrubbo! (teh rat!) i am havign sum trubel i died but taht is not teh truble yet. i am in betwine teh drak froest adn teh ohter plase taht mosflour is caen u hlep mi?

PS 4 enibodi hwo reeds aks salgar, du not pritend to b me cuz it iz weerd adn yor not mi adn tahts it rite now.
PS II o yea, how is Gartar doign? and aslo ther is a compyutir heer wich is y i can email yu uv cors!
PS III enother thign: hav yu notised taht sum peepul du PS B-4 teyh du teh sig...sin...sibgne...B-4 tehy sine ther name b-cuz i hav
PS IIII how duz yu spel the siney ting, taht i tryd 2 spel B-4??

Dear Scrubbo,
You're caught in limbo? How? Why? Do we even have limbo in this afterlife cosmology? Why do they have internet access? Who are you again? To make a long story short, I'm not sure of the answers to any of these questions. Sorry. Look up some kind of paranormal detective, or something. Because I am definitely not one.
Moving on to your PS's... uh, look Scrubbo, I sincerely doubt that there's going to be much of a rush to assume your identity. I mean, all the people who write to this column are imbeciles, but... you're, like, the Queen of imbeciles. Or the Queen of All Idiotic Nuts. Moving on to your PS2... you know what, usually I wouldn't do this, because I'm trying to keep the column as "guest-free" as possible? ...but you're getting on my nerves so much that, what the heck, talk to Gartar.

hay mann tis i garter hay i remember u from back in teh hoard in twrferfer im doin prety good cept ded lolz :'( crying face get it? it is funny becuz it s fase, btu sereusly i am gdod so ur questin is abot speling, ii m prety mujch an x-pert on tihs topic and will ansur it rite now: SPELLLIGN ok that was pitty hard 2 do hope u apreciate it!!1do hope u apreciate it!!1 a-so (<- rotflfmolaok taht is my favurit abrevation, "a-so" cuz it saves so manny leters from teh word alllllllso) i do not no much bout pss so i dont know about the cosine thingy sorry :'(((((((((( lol does taht look like a longer fase?????

Question #214
Dear Slagar,
Help! My friend's been captured by strange, large hairy beasts! And no one will help me rescue him! What should I do?

~Skinjub Picklesquee

Dear Skinjub Picklesquee,
Well for starters, GET A BETTER PEN-NAME. Now about the hairy beasts, I'm going to need a little more information before I can suggest a course of actions. You see, every intelligent (well... yeah, I'll use that term loosely for the time being) creature I've encountered thus far has been both hairy and a beast. Well, except reptiles, but I doubt that one could stretch the definition of intelligence far enough to accomodate them.

Question #215
Oho! More originality in the next e-mail, eh? Well, there wasn't! So, in accordance with my newly found identity, I will laugh at you. Haaaa ha haaa haaa!

Now, I will ask intelligent questions.
1. Why on earth would anyone ever use the word "struth"?
2. What was Rasconza's problem anyway?
3. How does a coral snake become redifined as a 'device'?
4. Can I have a cookie?

Ta-ta now.

Dear Ublaz,
Your "maniacal laughter" is pretty horrible, Ublaz. But thaaanks for the e-maaaail aaaanywaaaaays. Haaaaa ha haaa haaaa. I aaam laaaaughing aaaat you.

1. I don't think "struth" even qualifies as a word.
2. His problem? He didn't seem to have any problem OVERTHROWING YOUR EMPIRE. Bwahaha, that was brilliant. Where do I come up with this stuff?
3. You're referring to Question #211, I assume? I can't provide any further insight there. Mostly because I never finished reading the whole letter.
4. Why would you even ask that? Seriously, how could you possibly think that was a good idea? "Wow, I have an opportunity to learn Slagar's advice or opinion on any subject! I'll demand baked goods of him." The answer is no. A thousand times no.

Question #216
Dear Slagar,
My dog keeps eating my homework, and my little brother keeps stealing my girlfriends. Should I shoot the dog or the brother?

Bigspike Awsome

P.S. Slags, I know it isn't exactly an intelligent question, but I really don't need advice right now, and having my name on a website, even yours, makes me feel special. I will try to make my life miserable so that I need advice.

Dear Bigspike,
The brother, of course. In part I make this suggestion out of my unfamiliarity with dogs as a species, of course. But really, isn't fraternal combat what family is all about? In part I make this assertion based on anecdotal evidence because of my unfamiliarity with siblings of my own. But really, isn't unfamiliarity with siblings of one's own what... oh, right, the postscript. In part I am going to make the following statement because I am required to do so, but yeah, this isn't technically *my* website.

[Editor's Note: it's mine! Haha, what a comical misunderstanding this has been. Now back to Ask Slagar.]

Question #217
Dear Slagar,
Sorry, I can't tell you WHAT the strange, large, hairy beastes are, for I'VE no idea what they are. But they're kinda large....and really hairy...and, uh, strange. Sort of like a mix between foxes and really hairy frogs, and they live in purple caves. Apparently they don't like normal colored caves. They're going to to eat my friend tomorrow, there're guards everywhere, and all I have on me are some candied chestnuts and a rusty knife. I've no idea how to get him out of their oddly colored cave. Help!
~Skinjub Picklesquee

P.S. I don't get it, why do people think my name is so weird? The strange, large hairy beasts didn't nab me because they ALSO thought my name was weird. I just don't get it.

Dear terrible pen-name,
Well, of course you can't tell me what the "beastes" are, because there is no such thing as a "beaste". Anyways, I've finally decided upon a proper course of action for one in your situation. First, pawn the candied chestnuts for a key, a wrench, and a length of piano wire. Then take the rusty knife in your hand and stab yourself in the face repeatedly with it. There, that's what you get for joking around and sending me obviously fictional tales of hairy frogbeasts in purple caves. Come on, Skinjub. Surely you've realized by now that "Ask Slagar" is serious business?

Question #218
Dear Slagar,
What happened to the Slagar Shrine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I sent one of my pictures I drew of you there and now it's gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you like to piss artists like me off????!!!!! Right now I am very mad!!!!!!!! As off right now, you go from being my number one favorite Redwall villain to numer ZERO!!!!!!!!!!! T_T >o< *Sobs, and loud crashing noises can be heard*


PS- Wow....O.O.....I just had to get that out.......

Dear Silver Underscore The Underscore Vixen,
You really like doing those vertical-smiley things, don't you? You know, things like H_H, %_%, (_(, Del_Del... well, you get the jist of it. I used to use a "personalized" one, personally, until someone brought to my attention the fact that vertical-smiley things are terrible and everyone who is terrible enough to use them isn't worthy of the right to emote in the first place.

As for your question - I don't know what happened to the Slagar Shrine!!!!!!! ~ ad infinitum. Someone took that down? I can't believe it. I mean, I still remember when I first commanded a crowd of slaves to erect that in my honor. That's terrible. The only remaining physical legacy I had left on the world, fallen into ruin and obscurity... oh, wait. Now that I think about it, I was the one who knocked over the Slagar Shrine. Because it was just a pile of rocks, with no structural stability whatsoever. Which might have been related to the fact that most of the slaves had one of their hands chopped off as a punishment. Yeah, and I took it down because it was an embarrassment to me and everyone who helped to build it. So there's your answer, Underscore Vixen. Nothing personal, I just enjoy razing shoddily constructed architectural tributes.

Question #219
Dear Slagar...
I have a few questions

1.You remind me of The Phantom of the Opera...have you been stealing his masks?
2.Why didn't the Asmodues kill you?
3.Don't you just wanna' give Cluny the Scourge a big kiss? after all HE'S SO CUTE!!
4.Do you love Threeclaws? you two wounld make a perfect pair?

Thanks a bunch
Ta ta
Vipertooth the Slayer (Who has a big crush on Cluny the Scourge)

Dear Vipertooth,
I have a few ulcers. From reading this letter.

1. You remind me of Bozo the Clown. Have you been stealing his methodology of foolishness?
2. I think it's because no creature by the name of "the Asmodues" exists in Mossflower Country. Or anywhere, for that matter.
3. He's a huge Portuguese rat with a barbed tale.
4. He's a male of another species.

Thanks for the questions, "Slayer"! For the record, if our alive/dead statuses were somehow swapped, everyone in the universe would benefit!

Question #220
Hello Slagar,
Does the face still hurt?
It must bother you to not have been able to bite that nasty snake right back, but to get to my question, I'm helping a dear old chap make a "Redwall Trading Card Generator", you just need fill in the blanks then click submit, and see the card you've produced. Now I know you have this dreadful thing against Redwallers, However, we need a good programmer such as yourself and wondered if you'd oblige? The opening might be fulfilled already, but I was hopeing we could get somebeast that knows what living in Redwall is like, instead of having to get someother beast.

the link to the place to volenteer for this is below, ta ta for now!
[url=]Click Here[/url]


Dear Tamello,
How do I loathe thy letter? Let me count the ways.
I loathe that you opened with a really dumb one-liner about my face.
I loathe that you think I would care about your "Redwall Trading Card Generator".
I loathe that you have assumed that a character from a mideval book series would know anything about programming.
I loathe that you think I lived in Redwall.
I loathe that you tried to use some kind of message board code in an e-mail.
I loathe your apparent ignorance of the fact that this column is NOT the proper medium with which to contact Project S.L.A.G.A.R.'s webmaster.
A fact you should have picked up on pretty quickly if you had looked at the older questions AT ALL.
Or, you know, if you had looked at the RULES listed above the "Ask Slagar" address.
You infuriate me to the very depths of my cold, black soul.
I loathe thee with an untold aggravation.
I shall but loathe you more intensely after your death.
I just wish your demise could be at my paws!

So remember, folks: send me an e-mail, or die trying! Or just die, it's all fine print to me.

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.