Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 11

Yes, that's right, you sons of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #181
Dear Slagar,
I want to buy a tropical island, build my own palace, and get a big red sports car. But I only have $2 (becuase I think peopple who have job arr dumb and losers). How can I get lots of money quick without working for it?

Billabob C. Dinkling

Dear Billabob,
Well, I'll tell you one way you
can't get lots of money. Patenting your name. Seriously, what kind of sick freak names their dibbun Billabob? Probably the same kind that names their kid Chickenhound. Bitter? Me? No, never. So... a way to get a lot of money, eh, Billabob? I suppose this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you to do something underhanded to get the money, even though I'm sure you don't have the guts to do it. I've recently been informed, however, that such replies stopped being clever and funny a long time ago. So... why don't you sell your brain to science? Make sure to tell them how it's barely been used.

Question #182
Dear Slagar,
A few things about your response to my last question before I move on. First, your intentional misspelling of my name did not go over my head. Second, I figured you'd do something like your answer to number two. Is the third meaning of "hot" (other than high temperature and spicy) too "hip and happenin'" for you? And who's they? Why would "they" be keeping her at any temperature? Okay, so I'll rephrase the question. How beautiful is Amanda Bynes? How about "how aesthetically pleasing is Amanda Bynes?" And third, a computer is a beautiful thing. I, like you, live in the dark forest and therefore should have no idea about Vermin Invaders. However I, unlike you, have not been eternally punished for my evildoing. Therefore I, unlike you, have been able to surf the web and download stuff and look at it. I very much liked the Vermin Invaders game and was wondering if you could use your connection to the webmaster to ask him. Sorry if you were offended. Oh, and about those death threats...I wish I could say bring it on, but as we're both dead, I'll simply have to remind you, as you've reminded others on countless occasions, that YOU CAN'T KILL ME! I'm already dead! You can't ruin my life because I'm not alive. Nice try though. Oh, and for those of you who were wondering why Clecky and Gerul wrote that page of the column, yeah, the meatloaf thing was just a rumor. It was far more embarrasing than some meatloaf. It was *choke* *cough* way more embarrasing than that. I won't say anymore now, because Slagar will just censor it. He'll tell you eventually.
~Boar the Fighter

Dear Boring Fighter,
Hmm... could I have finally met a worthy adversary with which to verbally spar through the column? Probably not, but I'll play along.
1) I should hope not... it wasn't exactly a masterpiece of subtlety.
2) It's called "sarcasm", Boar. If you haven't noticed, I use it a lot. Especially when dealing with stupid human teenager colloquialisms. Word. Actually, I didn't even know who Amanda Bynes was, even though the name sounded strangely farmiliar. After doing a little research, I figured out where I know the name from. She was at the Farce Advice Column Meet Up. (Or Facmu, if you like abbreviations or you like saying horrible-sounding words.) Apparently she used to run an abusive advice column too, on some show called "All This". If you're wondering, it was as dull as watching paint dry. Anyways, she's about as aesthetically pleasing as a pile of jagged glass shards surrounded by a pool of vomit. If you're implying that she's "hot", you have really weird tastes. Heh, next thing you know people will be swooning over those little troll-doll girls who played a bit part in that badly-made sitcom that starred Bob Saget. Seriously, though, if you want "hot", look no further than Shang Damsontongue. You know, the leader of that group of foxes in "Outcast of Redwall"? She's one foxy vixen... and what's more, she uses a bola!
3) Hey, do you see the "Forums and CONTACT" link to the left of this column? Did it ever cross your mind that maybe, just MAYBE, it tells you how to get in touch with the webmaster without using the advice column address? Honestly, people...
In regard to my death threats... okay, maybe they were a little idle. But that shouldn't make them any less menacing!
...ah, that was refreshing. Hey, I think this was my longest reply yet. I mean, without guest stars. They nullify everything.

Question #183
You can edit my e-mails but i will find a way to tell the secret!!! Anyway do you really actualy like rodents? And if so what types? I do. Hampsters rule!!!
Fuzzy Lumpinks/A.S.P(Annoying servay people)

Oh, what? I'm sorry, I've just reached the point where I've STOPPED LISTENING TO WHAT YOU SAY. Next question.

Question #184
Dear Mr. the Cruel
We're baaaaaaaack. It is us at A.S.P. again. This time the list is short.
1. What kind of alias is "Lunar Sterallis" any way?
2. Your voice sounds like a blender. Why?
3. Why do vermin, excluding you of course, have silly names?
Thank you for filling out this survey
Yours truly,
A.S.P. (Annoying Survey People)

Dear Annoying Survey Stooges (abbreviate it yourself),
You know, you've got a lot of nerve sending me all these lists of inane questions and expecting me to answer them every time!
1) Wait, what? Why is this number here? I'm not answering these! Lunar Stellaris is a good alias, and I-
2) Hold on, that counted as a full answer? Well, I guess I did say what kind of alias it is. But I'm not answering this one. I'd sooner imitate that woman from "the Nanny"'s laugh.
3) Well, apparently that qualifies as sounding like a blender. But that's the last piece of information you're getting out of me! I'll carry the secrets of the "Big Book of (Silly) Vermin Names" with me to the - oh, drat.

Question #185
dear slagar,
i miss the hare and the owl.....ah forget it, i can't remember thier names. but you answer the questions more directly and none of that "wot wot" and "my mother said" stuff. so now i will provide the list of questions.
1)can you help me kill&eat hamtaro?
2)which makes a rabit tastier to eat, killing with broadsword or arrow?
3)why did you think that martin's sword was magic?
4)do you regret not killing the abbey dwellers while they were drugged?
5)if a fly flies into holy water, is asp (annoying survey people) stupid, or moronic? LONG LIVE,er, LONG DEAD SLAGAR!!!
from, kra the outcast (ok,not a redwall name, but it's best i could come up with ><)

Dear kra "No-Capitalizations" the outcast,
Okay, I don't feel like beating around the bush with this one... let's just get to brass tacks. Hopefully jammed into your eyes.
1) No.
2) Uh... the weapon you use to kill something doesn't change it's taste. Unless you cover your sword with Rosemary sauce, or something.
3) Because it's really, really old?
4) Some of them helped contribute to my demise. You tell me, should I regret not killing them?
5) All of the above.

Question #186
Hey guess what, I killed the ermine with my axe and the got the rent of him. Could you annoy him for me?
Venus the vixen
P.S What is that idiot Foxwolf doing in the dark forest?

Dear Venus,
Wow. That was... short. Okay, sure, I'll annoy him if I get the chance. As for what the Foxwolf's doing here... THE BACKSTROKE, now leave me alone until you have a letter to send me with a point.

Question #187
Dear Slagar,
I realize you've been, well... dead, for a while now, and I was just wondering... Do you have any regrets about your life? If you could start all over, what would you have changed?
Random Insitefull Hoard Member #34

Dear "Hoard" Member,
Uh... yeah. Thanks for the "insite". By the way, what are you hoarding? Ah, but that's irrelevant. Yes, there were a few regretful events in my life. Losing half of my face ranks pretty high up there, but if I could only change one thing about my life, it would definately be dying.

Question #188
Dear Slagar,
I have heard that you find it mentally exhilirating to receive letters from those who have higher brain powers. You're wish has come true! I have decided to grace your column with my presence. Mensa has suggested that I mingle with those who are normal, or even abnormal. After a quick web-search, I found you. Now, you may be wondering what sort of thing I would ask you. I was at first thinking of asking you a question from the Mensa test, and laugh at your feeble attempts to answer it. Then, I decided to ask you a very simple question, as that would answer your prayers of; 1. Receiving a letter from the smart set, and 2. Getting a good question. I have answered the first prayer and her is the answer to the second: Why did you choose the name Slagar? What does it mean? I can completely understand you changing it from Chickenhound, but why Slagar?
That is all,
Someone with a high IQ

P.S. If two trains were driving at each other, the first at 50 MPH, the second at 80 MPH, what would you say on a scale of water buffalo alpha fettucine?

Dear someone with a purportedly high IQ,
Wow, you have an even bigger ego than me! But in your case that's a bad thing, because you're obviously not as smart as you claim. I mean, come on, you spelled exhilarating wrong. That alone is the mark of a fool. Well, first of all, Mensa is populated entirely by a bunch of hacks. I mean, who names their group after a table? In latin, even? Another mark of a fool - naming your organization after latin furniture. As for your question, the answer is obviously "because it's cool", as anyone can tell you. That's another "fool" tally mark for you. Three strikes and you're out, someone. Say hello to your new colleagues at the Society of Dunces for me, someone. (By the way, the answer to your second question is "I'm a song from the sixties".)

Question #189
Deer Slagar the mighty and Cruel,Ruler of everything,
I have a problem.See Im a squirl and was rasid with no edgacation watsoevr.But I am alsoe in a big hord of verman and am fihighting with them.But mie enemys dont find me a thret.What should I do to make them scared? Your foloer who wants to be your hordbeest,
PS if you see me in mosfower I like to be on your teem.

Dear Feldoh,
Well, at least you addressed me respectfully. And at least you admit to having no education, unlike most of the twits who write in. Anyways, to scare them, why don't you compete in a spelling bee? I'm sure your attempts at spelling long, complex words would be enough to horrify anybeast. As for your postscript... see question #166.

Question #190
Dear Slacker,
Why do I write "Dear Slagar?" I don't hold you "dear" at all, much less with a capital "D"! And anyway, Amanda was on "All That," not "All This." As far as I know, there isn't even a show called "All This." Your derrogatory comments about her (and her looks) weren't appreciated.
As for an equal to verbally spar with through the (spelled correctly for a change!) column, I don't know about that. I don't know if I've been this insulted since...since...since...EVER!
Believe me, I've tried to talk to your webmaster. I think he's blocked my Instant Message screen name. Well, blocked the Instant Message screen name of BTF. You know, since STC is your webmaster, BTF would be...OH NEVER MIND!
Nice spelling of "reference" on the rules for submitting a question. And "adhear," too. Your spelling is really impressive.

~Boar the Fighter

Dear Sore,
The "dear" is just part of the form, my most un-dear Boar. Kind of like me changing people's names all of the time when answering a letter. So what about Amanda? Who cares, anyways? It's not like anyone will remember her in 400 seasons. Me, on the other hand... that's a different story.
Really? You haven't been this insulted since "...since...since...EVER!"? That's a good year. I have a bottle of Elderberry wine from ...since...since...EVER!. I should probably drink it if I come back to life.
About contacting the webmaster - apparently, you figured out how to do it, so I'll only say this: BTF? Do we really need more guys with three-letter-abbreviated-names running around?
Speaking of my webmaster, HE made those spelling mistakes. Mistake, rather - "adhere" is the correct spelling. Who's impressive now, SORE?!

Question #191
To The Big Ego~
I have returned! I am, the person with the purportedly high IQ. Yet, is it purported? I think not! After all, only those who have purportedly high IQs, make fun of those who who have high IQs. My point I believe is obvious. Also, in your "answers" to my questions, you never answered them. You led a merry dance away from them, and made fun of me for asking them. I want straight-forward answers, and that is all. And don't make me angry.....Us Mensa people are whizzes at making little "programs" Remember the Blaster Worm? Anyway, back to the actual purpose of these letters. To ask your infinitely wonderful (yeah, right) personage a question. So, what should I ask this time that will not insult your meagerness? How about this: Why does John Amend-All in "The Black Arrow" have something against old Appleyard? And why does he have such atrocious spelling and grammar in his little poem? Woah, woah Slagar! One more question before I let you off the hook. Why is your automatic response to those who are smarter than you is to make fun of them? Evil, evil evil......Anyway, I'll torture....I mean talk to you later.
Sincerely (sincerely? HA! What a joke)
Person with High IQ

To the Big Eggo,
"Only those who have purportedly high IQs make fun of those who who have high IQs", eh, Eggo? I guess that's your subtle way of apologizing for being too arrogant and mocking me. Sorry, you'll need to do better than that if you want my forgiveness. You at least need to do it less subtlely. As for my "answer": that's the kind of answer I always give when the "question" is so obvious. What, do I need to spell it out for you? B-E-C-A-U-S-E I-T S-O-U-N-D-S C-O-O-L. There, I spelled it out. I hope you're satisfied. Say, was that "blaster worm" crack a threat? Are you implying that Mensa people create viruses for fun? If so, you guys are so messed up! You see, I got a virus once... the "Klez" virus, I think... but I didn't know what it was at the time. I noticed something was wrong when I got an e-mail from myself that had a huge filesize. It looked suspicious... but it could have been a really long message which I sent myself from the future. So, I had to check. Curse you all! Can't you guys be less passively and wimpishly evil? Go rob a bank or something! It builds character. Moving on... I've never seen "The Black Arrow", so I can't comment. I did see "The Blue Arrow", though, and it was pretty weird. I think it had something to do with toys running away from some evil person, but I wasn't really listening. It seemed more like a cheap "Brave Little Toaster" knock-off anyways. (If you can't tell, we don't get a lot of good movies in my area of the Dark Forest.) As for your last question... my automatic response to ALL people (even those who think they're smarter than me) is to make fun of them. BECAUSE I'm evil. On a final note: go pop yourself into a toaster, you Eggoish little fairy!

Question #192
Dear Slagar the Cruel
I belong to a secret cult of mutate squirrels living beneath Redwall Abbey. I have the ability to become invisible when paint is dripped on me. Anyway, there's this guy named Blade whose coming after my family and I, and he wants to kill us and eat us. What should I do?

Bizzarro Boy

Dear Bizzaro Boy,
Listen, I don't care whatsoever about the problems of people who claim to turn invisible when paint is dropped on them. That's a mental hospital's job. But maybe the webmaster will answer your question.

Film your problem and send it to Fox as a reality show. Believe me, with their standards for cheap shows, they'll air it no matter what. Then pay off Blade with the money. That's a cool name, BTW... Blade. Cool because I HAD IT BEFORE ANY OF YOU! But I won't hold a grudge, I'm STC now...
There you have it, folks. The Fox network is an insult to foxes everywhere. Just like how STC sullies my name with his foolishness.

Question #193
Of all the vixens in Redwall, Mossflower etc. who would you most like to go out with/marry?
Venus the vixen.
P.S what is Mokkan doing in the dark forest?

Dear Venus,
Wow. Your question is so... not answered in #182. Yeah. You're covering completely new grounds with this question. But I digress. As I've said before, it would definately be Shang Damsontongue. She has it all - command over a powerful force of foxes, physical strength, mastery of the bola, a decent amount of intelligence, "aesthetic pleasantness"... and that purple tongue. I don't care what ANYone says, the purple tongue is awesome. Some may prefer types like Fortuna, but they're just ditzy little flakes. Give me Damsontongue, or give me some Damson. Or something.
By the way, Mokkan's doing the forward stroke.

Question #194
Dear Slagar,
My tail has been really droopy lately. It doesn't want to stand up strait at all! I've tried everything, even tieing it two my ears, but nothing is working! What should I do?
Mapletail @+

Dear Mapletail,
...okaaay... you know what? I'm not even going to TOUCH this one. Too many implications.

Question #195
SLAGAR!!! STOP BEING SO MEAN TO CLECKY AND GERUL!! they are just trying to satisfy the customers here! I bet if you let them stay and talk to us, first off they wouldnt be as annoying to you, you would get used to them, and second since gerul is so so educated (you to clecky) i bet they could even make these annoying stupid people stop asking stupid questions and might even make your job more enjoyable. I mean, if you think about it, it all makes sense....this might even answer the question to what is the secret of the universe!! if you are nice to clecky and gerul....slagar being nice.........woooooooooooow its too much to think explode..... ow......... ow.......... owww.......... ooooooowwwwwwwww..... stupid kind slagar. at least a headache is better than having a suuuuuuuper duper cruel are just slagar the cruel, not slagar-the-super-duper-evil-unbelievebly-cruel-fox-whith-no-heart. i mean, come on, even dead people can be a little bit cool. not to say u arent cool......i forget what i was writing about. oh, and do clecky, gerul, or yourself by any chance like a band named relient k? i find a need to ask that considering they are the greatest band in the world.
sincerely yours,
Tandra Fuzztree

Dear Tandy,
First of all, there are no customers here, only visitors. Second of all, Clecky and Gerul's primary objectives are to ANNOY me. Otherwise I probably wouldn't be so... well, annoyed. Third of all, you should probably get that "ow...(more unnecessary periods)" thing looked at. As it's annoying too. Fourth of all, Slagar the Super-Duper-Evil-Unbelievably-Cruel-Fox-With-No-Heart probably would be my title if it wasn't so cumbersome. Fifth of all, would you all shut up about Clecky and Gerul?!?! Would you, perhaps, stop talking about them if they were to show up one last time for a few final words? Hmm... er, hey, here they are now... yes, it's definately them...

Er, yes, it's definately me, Clecky, wot wot? Oh no... I've, uh, realized that I'm so awful, and that I don't deserve to write in the same column as Slagar. So I'm not going to show up ever again. And don't bring me up any more to Slagar. Please give us all time to heal. Wot.

My old mother just told me that I should go away forever too. So I will.

Oh, gee, that's too bad. Looks like there'll be no more Clecky and Gerul. I'm heartbroken.

Ah, look, Clecky, it's us! Me ould mother would say-
Shh, y' ol' featherbag... remember what I said... we need t' bide our time... fer NOW...

Question #196
Hey Slagar,
My name is Ooga Chucka and I have a slight problem. I figured I'd ask you about it, as your a guy, and I need to know something about guys. you see, in my woodland school, there's this really nice, cute guy who is really fun and nice and we talk all the time and he's always cracking jokes for me, and defending me when the mean rats and stoats and beasts that my teacher says we have to be kind to make fun of me. I really like him and I was wondering if you know if a guy acts like that, does he like you?
Thanks a bunch, if you can answer my question, ((A real answer! Not just no, or your stupid or something!)) I will prais you forever

-Ooga Chucka

Dear Ooga,
You'll forever "prais" me? Well, that's too good to pass up. Listen, Ms. Chucka, if this nice guy who is fun and nice is always so nice to you, I don't this guy hates you. Now, if you're asking me how MUCH he likes you, well, that's something you'll have to talk to him about. I don't remember signing up as "Slagar the Psychic". That wasn't in, you know... the job description. Yeah.

Question #197
Dear Slagar,
What ever happened to that obbesse snake that attacked you?
((yes, this is something you can make up))
Whatever happened to your wife Elma???
Supercalafragalistic Expealladosious!
(i hhave behutiful picture too (the white one i drew, the big head is my sister's))

Dear S.E.,
Whatever happened to you making any sense? Oh wait... that never happened. For you see, I've never been married, and I was never attacked by an "obbesse" snake. As for your picture, it's... uh... a very... "special" collage. And as far as I know, the first time anyone has sent in an image with an "Ask Slagar" letter. Now we know why.

!!!NOTE FROM THE MANAGEMENT!!!: in commemoration of the Halloween season (and as a way of getting rid of some of the backup "Ask Slagar" e-mails I've been getting while not updating STC), I present you with five more answers than usual, in a segment I like to call... Night of the Asking Slagar!

Yes, and I'm being forced to answer each of these five "bonus questions" as... ugh... Count Slagula. As if my dignity hasn't been violated enough. I pitched "Slagferatu" as a possible Halloween version of my name to the editor, but it just didn't sit well with him... whatever. Actually, I don't mind the Halloween theme that much. One of your better holidays, in my opinion. And in the end, that's all that REALLY matters.

Night of the Asking Slagar #1
Dear Slagar,
Why does the book say that you have a terrible raspy, grating voice, but in the T.V. show, you have the lovely, non-raspy, non-grating voice of Tim Curry? Which voice is actually more like yours?
Also, are you familiar with "The Rocky Horror Picture Show? If so, who is your favorite character? You remind me of Frank N. Furter and Eddie.
--Dart the Vixen--

Deer Dart,
Ah, ze classeec question ov vhat my voice really sounds like. As you can see from thees answer, the Halloveen theme dictates that I have alvays had a defintively but non-specifically European accent!

Okay, you don't have to do the pseudo-vampirian accent.

Thank you. *ahem* Now, where was I? Right, my actual voice is somewhat raspier that Curry's, but he did an okay job. As for "The Rocky Horror Picture Show"... I've never seen it, but I've heard enough to know that it's scary enough to warrant this answer Halloween-themed in itself. *shudders*

Night of the Asking Slagar #2
I think it's a shame that people send letters starting with "I think it's a shame" to newspapers.
What is your view on the return of annoying bankvoles?


Dear Birchback,
Ah, the return of the annoying bankvoles. I remember that. The night on which the annoying volebabes crawled from their graves, fur and flesh hanging from their bones, seeking to annoy the living. They trampled through the lands, wreaking havok on whatever life they came across by claiming they had computers in Redwall. Screams echoed from within houses, released by poor townsfolk set upon by the incessant chattering of these dastardly dibbuns. A small pocket of resistance formed, utilizing the few weaknesses of volekind - old age, starvation, and physical trauma - but to no avail. And the streets ran red with strawberry cordial.

Night of the Asking Slagar #3
Guess what? I have a new outlook on life. I AM GOING TO BE GHETTO ALL FOR THE PURPOSE OF ANNOYING YOU!!! MWAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! so...sup my homie g to the fizzle yo! We gots the bling bling up in heeyaz fo sheezy!! CLCKY AND GERUL BEEZ MY HOME DAWGS (thats a good thing guys..i wont be ghetto to you...what have you two been up to? any new sayings from your mom Gerul? and Clecky, i miss you bud! you need to get on and annoy Slagar more often! You guys are my best friends [almost] I hope i will be seeing more of you!!) so, slagar my colwell! be a skitz and talk to urself yo!! l8as!!! Tandra Fuzztree (on the flipside yo)

Oh, the heezy fosheezy. Right. I totally know what you're talking about. No, that was sarcasm. I'd apologize for insulting your intelligence by explaining my sarcasm to such an extent, but insulting you is exactly what I wanted to do, and your intelligence is non-existent anyways. As for Clecky and Gerul... let's say the Halloween edition has rendered them incapacitated. Oh, here they come now...

Gwaaaaarrr! In this segment, I'm a flippin' zombie! Whoaaaarg!

As me ould mother always said, BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!!!

Night of the Asking Slagar #4
Dear Slagar,
I really need to know somthing and I actually need advice: I have a huge report due on Monday and I haven't done any of it, I need help. and as usual, I have stupid questions.
1) What does happen if a fly flies into Holy Water?
2) This is for Gatar, Y did u di?, i wanted to c u kik yore sisters butt? ~<><>?<>khasfiehrgohg?
3) This is for Cleky, How can I eat a Hoge Trifle in 111111 bite?
4) Gruel, Me ould Mother used to say ____________?
5) and this is for Slagar, 2+2=?

Dear Fangburn,
Well, by the time you read this your report will be way overdue. Sorry to keep you waiting. If you turn the assignment in now, it'll probably be failed. Muahahahaha! I laugh at your misfortune. Anyways, here are some Halloween answers to your problems:
1) It becomes trapped in an unholy Spider Web, where it cries out, "help me! Help me!" followed by a Bible passage recitation.

2) hey ur cool u root 4 me! LOLz wat r u trik r treting az im goin as matiias cuz he my emeny how ironic? krad might go as atlantis moriset 4 mor ironee LOLOLOLOLOLZ.
3) Muwaaaarg! The same way I eat a chap's flippin' grey matter! Graaaarrrg, wot?
4) Hi, I'm Gruel. You may know me as the foul-smelling concoction served in dungeons, prisons, and the like. I am sorry to say that I do not have a mother, and therefore cannot answer your question. I can, however, give you a free pamphlet on Oatmeal/Gruel awareness, if you'd like...
5) That's four! Four is the answer! Muahahaha! (I know, I'm basing my witty responses on Sesame Street now, but hey, the Count was a vampire. It fits with the theme, alright?)

Night of the Asking Slagar #5
Dear Slagar,
In the past I have had trouble controlling my band of vermin lately. They refuse to respect my authority and will not obey my wishes. Instead, they insist on raiding villages in small clans by themselves which raises the towns alarm and they set their troops to watch at all times. After many trial and errors they still do not understand and won't listen to me, their leader. Every time I organize a raid, end up successful and with none injured or dead. How do I get this group of morons to listen to me? I need the advice of an expert leader.
Rae the Vixen

Dear Raemond,
Too many insolent hordebeasts being victorious when you didn't order them too, huh? Not sure why that bugs you, but I've got an idea for how to keep them under your claw - make them into zombies. How? Simple, this is the Halloween season. Anything can be zombified around now. Just look at Clecky and Gerul. They've been dead for so long, that their random undeadness is even more unusual then its name implies. I mean, what are they, un-dead-dead? Say, speaking of the reanimation of the dead, perhaps I can make a comeback while there's still an opening - oh no, the Halloween theme is fading already...!

This concludes the Night of the Asking Slagar. We now return to, you know, the normal stuff.

Question #198
Yo Slagar!
I heard that you hang out with Ascrod. That fool has SENSE? Are you kidding? A SQUIRREL shot a dart up his nose at the beginning of Marlfox! Vannan and he were just walking along, heard Songbreeze singing, and decide to go kidnap her for their mommy. I mean, WHAT FOR? They don’t even LIKE “High” Queen Silth! So they go and run straight into Song’s dad, and he knocks out Vannan and shoots a stinking dart up Ascrod’s nose! Some kidnapping plan! I know YOU would spot that immediately, with your slaving experience and all that, but NO-O, he has to go get a bloody nose! That. . . FOOL! IDIOT! IMBECILE! To think that poor excuse for a vermin is MY STINKING RELATION! Now Mokkan, he’s cool. Why don’t you hang out with him?

Predak the (cool) Marlfox from Marl Island

P. S. Who’s your dad? Was he as evil as you, or was he a big fat softie?

Dear Predak the (fool),
Oh, leave it to a Marlfox to simplify everything to make Mokkan look like the best one. Mokkan did a lot of fancy-looking tricks and talked a lot about how great he was, but what did he ever do that was REALLY clever, hmm? What's that? Nothing? I'll assume you said nothing because I can hear no response. Anyways, what I like about Ascrod is that he never subscribed to your stupid little schemes and clubs. Anyone who reads the book
Marlfox can tell that Ascrod doesn't want to be there. He probably had better things to be doing, but Mokkan and his other ridiculous siblings (including, well, you) probably just dragged him along everywhere. Poor guy. As for your insinuations about my father... HE WAS A SAINT, ER, ANTI-SAINT! DON'T INSULT HIM IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN OR I'LL STRING YOU UP BY ORGANS YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT!

Question #199
Dear Slagar,
What is with you lately? Are you sick or something? You haven't been answering your mail for quite some time. Has Sela unplugged your computer or something? I mean, even though you hate me, and find it necessary to spell my name wrong, I still appreciate your answers. If you are sick, eat some chicken soup. If your mom unplugged the computer, kill her. If you are sick AND your mom unplugged the computer, have some Sela soup (MWAHAHAHAH!) and.....if its none of those.....just start anwering your mail you dirt bag! (see? i didnt even ask Clecky and Gerul to come annoy you! {but of course you guys can if you want to ; )} )

~Tandra Fuzztree

Dear Tandy 400,
No, the webmaster just hasn't updated regularly in a while. I'll let him elaborate in that stupid little way only he can.

Well, usually I'd make some self-depreciating remark about wandering out of my room and getting lost, or something like that. But truth is, sometimes I just get busy. I'll let Slagar elaborate on that statement with a bit of his trademark biting sarcasm.

Actually, I'm a bit tired right now so I'll just let empty space elaborate on that a bit.

Nice job, empty space. Very elaborate.

Question #200!!!
Okay, don't get "legacyie" with me. "No one will remember Amanda 400 seasons from now, me on the other hand..." PLEASE! IF YOU WANNA TALK LEGACIES, LOOK NO FARTHER THAN MY BLOODLINE, YOU FOOL! My father FOUNDED the Long Patrol, my son is Sunflash the Mace (the only other beast to survive an adder's bite besides yourself), and my great great grandson is Rawnblade Widestripe, the closest thing our land has ever seen to a godmoder. And I made Martin the Warrior's sword. They're still talking about that sword. That sword scared you so bad that you didn't take over an abbey full of beasts that you'd drugged with a whole army behind you. Of course, no one ever confused "Slagar the Cruel" with "Slagar of Much Tactical Knowledge."

And as to who's impressive, the answer is obvious. ME. ME, ME, ME, ME. Ha! The only impressive thing you ever did was that Bozo the Clown moment a few pages back. Goodness, I still have a stitch.

Oh, and by the way, i believe "adhear" is also an accepted spelling. At least, my word processor accepts it.

So let's not beat around the bush. Let's beat...your face!

~Boar the Fighter

Dear Boar,
Oh, brother. This is my two-hundredth question? How anti-climactic. I was half-expecting some kind of life (afterlife?) changing experience, like an e-mail from my long-lost good twin, or the revelation that Gartar is pregnant, or something. Oh well, I'll whip up a retort regardless.
First of all, your legacy isn't going to rub off on Amanda, isn't it? Nobody's going to remember her in 400 seasons. Me, on the other hand... I already said this, didn't I? Moving on, the sword didn't "scare" me. I decided to avoid it because generally if you challenge it's wielder you die a horrible painful death after witnessing the ruination of all your posessions. Impressive? You want to talk about impressive? Well, then look at that stuff I wrote on Martin's forehead the other day. That's some pretty staggering stuff, you've got to admit. I mean, we're talking genius comedic material. You know, the kind that can't be reproduced through type. Oh, wait, he washed it off since then. But the memory lives on. No, "adhear" is not an actual spelling. Unless by "actual" you mean "not very actual at all". In which case you're completely contradicting yourself, you moron. Finally, you couldn't beat the broad side of a bush, never mind me. So nyah nyah nya.
And with Question 200, Slagar scores another victory against the badgering (it's a pun LOLZ) masses of the internet!

So, that's it. No more Ask Slagar. The two-hundredth question was my last. No, I'm just kidding. Maybe. Let's just say I have a new gig being tossed around... *cough*TALKSHOW*cough*

UPDATE: Okay, so it turns out I AM still doing Ask Slagar. Despite the fact that I HAD been told OTHERWISE. So send me your e-mail, or just die, I don't care.

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.