Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 10

Yes, that's right, you insipid little... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #161
Dear slagar,
Are you mocking me? Because i still i still have the maiming in my fridge. Do you know chessetheif i like that he was in Cluny's hoard. Do you know cluny? If you do will you get him to send me a christmas present. I would fancy some spears some arrows, slingstones and a bow and arrow. Some knifes too......I don't....uhm...uh want them for any you know -u-um-just tou-m-he he he-i mean just to ..u.m.a kinda a just have some fun with em cough cough hehe cough hehe cough.
Thanx in advance
sincerly cough hehe cough,
Fuzzy Lumpkins

Dear fuzzy,
Are you trying to make sense in your ramblings about Cheesethief? Anyways... no, I"m not sending you a Christmas present. I'm not even sending you a card. Though I would like to send some spears, arrows, slingstones, and... arrows again. Into your SKULL.

Question #162
Dear Slagar,
Why were you so rude to Clecky and Gerul? I think that their answers are fun. You tried so hard to stop them from answering in my last question.......IF YOU GUYS READ THIS SEND BIG LONG ANSWERS TO ANNOY SLAGAR! See? You are not the only evil creature around! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Are you sure you cant do community service some other way? Why don't you be a garbage collector or something? Then Clecky and Gerul can answer these questions instead of you.....i personally think that Gerul's mother is quite smart......she could probably write an almanac or something. And, oh ya, SLAGAR CAN EAT DUNG! And, what is the secret of the universe?
the evil one second only to Slagar,
Tandra Fuzztree

Dear Ms. Peachfuzz,
Because they're morons, and their answers aren't fun at all. Furthermore, I will not allow Clecky and Gerul to make some little guest spot here, because they'll just prolong the time it takes to answer stupid questions. If they DO ignore my warnings and show up while I'm trying to answer this question, I'll make SURE they never work in advice collumns again! Now, to your questions. I am a garbage collector of sorts... I, for one, count these letters as garbage. Yes, I can technically eat dung, but I don't... unlike some fuzzy trees, who make a habit of downing entire flagons of the stuff. Finally, the secret of the universe is... uh... 42? I think that's a reference to something in your world, because people keep telling me that. I say, "what kind of universal factor produces so many idiots, when there's potential for good minds like mine?", and they're like, "42". So, whatever.

Question #163
What do you do if you are trapped with a snake?
How do escape from vipers?
How do you cure adder bites? I think I...uggh!

Dear Nameless Chap,
Well, I couldn't very well risk my neck in the advice collumn business just for a flippin' guest spot, so I waited a letter to make my fabulous appearance! Hold the applause, sahs! Contain your admiration, marms! I'm just here for the letter, wot? Now, let's see... if you're trapped with a snake? Why, bop the silly blighter on the nose! Or turn tail, if y' can't take on huge serpents. Same thing with vipers, those snake blaggards are all more 'er less the same. As for the cure of adder bites, I suppose we'd better turn to the blinkin' venomfaced idjit 'imself, eh?


Me ould mother said Poor Richard was a fraud and a cheater, that she did!


Question #164
Dear Slagar,
Hi. I'm from Middle Earth. There's this weird guy with brown hair who keeps trying to steal this ring. What can I do to stop him?

Dear Legolas,
There's this weird name with the word lego in it that keeps manifesting itself below your question. Anyways... shove him in the Cracks of Doom... or kick him in Rivendell... or clock him in Fangorn Forest... I don't know. Something like that.

Question #165
Dear Slagar,
Hi. I told you Goldenswipe is a ninny/twit. I have this problem. Dragons keep showing up at Salamandastron and I can't keep killing them all because I only have a few hares left and they mutated into dragons because they looked one in the eye. What can I do to stop them?

Dear Lacoasta,
To put it as tactfully as possible, "lay off the booze".

Question #166
Dear Slagar,
I haven't been writing lately because I've been putting together a Freebooter Crew. But I have a problem. My slaves are weird, they have no eyes and they are skeletons at night, how do I stop them? And now I have some useless questions.
1 What does A & W stand for?
3 Do you want to join my crew ( the Dark Forest one) ?
From Fangburn

Dear Fangburn,
Don't worry, you haven't been missed. Anyways, I think you should stop hiring slaves from the sets of bad horror movies, or pretty soon you'll have some hockey-man revving up a chainsaw in the front lines. Now for what I like to call "the idiot questions":
1. Apples and Wampas
3. No. From now on, any requests for me to join some kind of crew will be answered with "See #166", if I can remember.

Dear Mr. Slagar the Cruel,
Located here in is a list of questions.
1. why did you become a slaver?
2. why work for a pole-cat?
3. how old were you when you died?
4. why do you pray upon the young and weak?
5. what would happen if we sent you a couple of chickens?
Thank you for filling out this survay from A.S.P. (Annoying Survay People).

Dear A.N.P. (Aptly Named People),
Questions?! *gasp* Who could have GUESSED? <-(sarcasm)
1. Monday.
2. Why not? Are you some kind of anti-pole-cat person? If so, I can understand why. They think WAY too highly of themselves. I mean, they're just ferrets with fancier names...
3. Middle-aged. 4. I don't pray on the young and weak... in fact, I don't really pray much at all. There's no religion in my world, remember?
5. I'd HOUND them. That's what you wanted me to say, wasn't it, you little-

Question #167
Dear Slagar,
My younger brother is absolutely abominably horrible. How would you suggest going about setting fire to his stuff (i.e., what first: the teddy bears or the bed?)? And would an excessively violent ten year old boy be an asset to your group? Actually, ignore that last question. Do you accept ten year old boys as slaves? We're the last cottage on the right on Mossflower lane.

Dear Thistle
I'm glad you came to me. I'm quite an arsony expert, you know. Now, the first thing you should do is-

hey y has clekky and gerool been gest stars wen i hasnt been qoted in liek a years?!??!!?!!!1/!/?lolz

AUGH! I'm so tired of you stupid guest stars! Get out of here, Gartar! Sorry about that, Thistle. Now, the first thing you should do is-

Hey, do I count as a guest star?

Yes! Yes, you do! Go away. Now, Thistle-

But I created this site... and this advice collumn... and I WRITE this advice collumn... so I techincally don't count as a guest star.

Yes, you do! This collumn is called "Ask Slagar", not "Ask Clecky", "Ask STC", or "aSk gaRtaR LOLZ"!!! Ugh... sorry, Thistle. Now, the first thing you need to do is-

Yeah, but I'm technically you... and by the same token, Clecky, Gerul, and Gartar are technically you... so really, they're not guest stars either.

i cudda told u that im a comuter xpert. look i make image lolz

Ah, just puttin' 2 and 2 together. Or, as me ould mother would say-


Question #168
Dear Slagar,
All the dragon's are gone now so can you kick Dotti out of the Dark Forest for me so I can have a new army.

Dear Lacoasta,
I rarely know what you're talking about. Next question.

Question #169
Dear Mr. Slagar the Cruel,
hello. It's us again. You know, A.S.P? Anyway, here are more questions.

1. why is a bolas your favorite weapon?
2. why didn't you look where you were going?
3. why did you kill Vitch?
4. where is the Dark Forest?
5. why can only badgers live in Salamandastron?
6. were did you live before you bitten?
7. why did you push that guy off the cliff?

Thank you for filling out this survay from A.S.P (Annoying Survay People)

Dear A.S.P.,
I have replied to this letter A.S.P. Haha... it's a pun. Get it? A.S.P. also means "As Soon as Possible". See, this is why I stick to biting sarcasm.
1. It just comes natural to me. The talent of using it, I mean. Not the bola. That'd just be strange.
2. I did look where I was going! That guy just pulled out right in front of me! There was nothing I could - wait, what am I talking about? And what are you talking about? I really don't know.
3. Because he was an annoying nuisance?
4. Geographically? Or metaphysically? Or psychozygotologically? It doesn't matter, I'm not telling you anways.
5. Why don't you ask the hares that live there? I'm sure they'd know... seeing as they live there... and they're not badgers...
6. Were did I live? Um... yes, I was do living.
7. Which one? Oh, that guy. Uh... because he was getting on my nerves. And shrew tossing is always fun.

Question #170
Dear Slagar,
So what if I like to ramble about cheesthief. He's cool. Oh and by the way u couldn't drive weapons into my skull if your life depended on it!! >:P But anyway the [edited by STC] is well hidden i'm stuck. i can't figure out the [edited by STC]. HEY EVERBODY TAKE HINT FROM THIS! SLAGAR IS HIDING STUFF FROM US!WE MUST FIGURE IT OUT! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT I KNOW!! >;P Hey slagar why don't you tell everyone where it is?........Oh yeah.. you probably forgot? cough cou-dimwit-gh cough. sorry i have bad allergies
gotta go
Fuzzy Lumpkins

Dear Fuzzlump,
I rarely know what you're talking about, too. Say, why'd that letter get so edited? It's not like he gave anything away...

Yeah, but I've got to make sure that absolutely nothing leaks out. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

...ugh. Whatever. Anyways, I have a cure for those allergies - 20 mg of pain, with a dose of suffering. (Side-effects include discomfort, yelling, and death. Pain and suffering is not for everyone. Just people who get on Slagar's nerves. Ask Slagar before using.)

Question #171
Dear Slagar,
Can you answer these?
Where is Luke's treasure buried?
What does Pepsi Blue taste like?
P.S. I did not get that from a horror movie. It was a pirate movie.
P.P.S. Please join my crew.

Dear Fangburn,
No, I can't. Because Luke has no treasure, and Pepsi Blue doesn't exist in the Dark Forest.
No. No, it doesn't.
Anyways... see #166.

Question #172
I'm Going to kill mathais for ya!I'm a Freak! I have a Horrid eye that is RED AND MAY HAVE BEEN Hurt in battle, BUT IT MAKES ME A BETTER SLAVE FOR YOU OH GREAT ONE! AND WHEN I KILL MATHAIS for YA! You take that sword and destroy it! And ill fatten that stupid Mattimeo for ya and let ya eat him! I've got the evilest EYE! ever!
S6mac>:stop it! you stupid digital enities!
I created redwall. Its my Digital Empire! I killed Cluny because he had a computer virus! ME: Slagar Destroy that Sword NOW#WWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! because it is an anti virus! That Controls mathais! So I used the cloneatron to clone the swords program: Slice animal: sea rat area: tail/blade0101001010Hyper SPEED 010101 down: Side two Cut! This was the code to kill Cluny!
I have made a code to kill mathias
01010101010 stab Animal: common mouse: area heart/Tail: Swing 22202020302044455
Riferious the Scourge Aka Randall Boggs! When that stupid blue furball put me in the door I switched paths Earth/ 6027 Redwall.

Dear Riferious,
Uh... you related to a "Matthew the Warrior"?
[See Issue, er, Page #1! - Editor] If not, well, I think you two'd hit it off real well. By the way, that's pretty lousy programming there... THIS is how you kill Matthias...
if(mouse == Matthias)
for(int i=0; i<=1000; i++)
I mean, really...

Question #173
dear Slagar,
Ok, now you made me one insults Gerul's mother in front of me!..well, technically you weren't in front of me...nevermind. I just came to say...well...whos a big shnoogie woogie? you're a big shnoogie woogie, aren't you? goochie goochie goo!....MWAHAHAHA! TANDRA STRIKES AGAIN!

The most evil Clecky and Gerul adorer,
Tandra Fuzztree

Dear Tandy Fuzzpeach,
What on earth are you trying to do? Is that supposed to be my weakness? Saying "shnoogie woogie"? No, if you say that, it just lets me know the lengths of your stupidity. Which I already knew, thank'ee koindly. Burr, now oi'm spakin' moleyspake! Sumbeast help oi ter stop, hurr!

Question #174
Dear Slagar,
The two Hobbits, Merry and Pippin, have got caught by orks. How can I save them? And a stupid dawrf guy won't stop grrrrring and he won't shut up. Help me please.

Dear Aragorn,
"Orks"? Sorry, Mister Gorn, that's not my department. You'll have to send mail to the "Ork" department about your problem. As for the dwarf... um, just toss him off a cliff. Yeah. If there's one thing that's more fun than shrew-tossing, it's dwarf-tossing. Not that I'd know.

Question #175
Hey Slagar,
I have a problem. I like to role-play, and was about to play one of my favorite characters, when this other guy barged in and took the character before I even had a chance to start! What should I do about it?

Dear Remy,
Well, it's hard to find a non-violent solution to this sort of problem, but I think I've got something. First, you track that stupid little jerk down to where he (or she) lives. Make sure you bring bolas, a sword, a mace, or even some boles. Then, as he (or she) logs on to his (or her) stupid little roleplaying website, tear off his (or her) head! Oh, did I say "non-violent"? I meant, "less-violent".

Question #176
Write a number from 1-10, 1 being something not scary, 5 medium, and 10 scary, according to to how you think a vermin of one of the Redwall books would feel:

a. a guy in a blue suit that flies
b. a talking statue
c. an adder
d. a badger with an ax
e. a purple dinosaur that sings and doesn't eat people
--Clematis Whiteflower

Dear Clemantis,
What?! This isn't a question! This isn't even... relevant!
Question #176 (for real this time)
Dear Slagar,
In the upcoming Redwall adventure, wouldn't it just blow your mind if they found your skeletal remains in the depths of Loamhedge? If I were you, I'd repossess my body long enough to shout "oogie boogie boo!" I'm certain you would scare those fellows out of their wits! Of course, they may destroy your skeleton as a result...but why would you care? You're dead... I know I would be a tad peeved if they destroyed my remains...I'd spook 'em good! Tah...

-Advil Hater

Dear Anvil Hater,
Um... yeah. That would just blow my mind. Say, that would bring my "Books-I'm-In" count up to 3! Then I could be equal to Martin and Cregga! HA! That'd show them alright! Anyways, I don't know about posessing my old remains... spitting up pea soup just isn't my style, you know?

Question #178
Dear Slagar,
I've got a few things to say, many of which are questions, so I'll list them.
1) Why do people say "er" in some books when they're stumbling? People (especially Brits) write it all the time but I've never heard anyone actually say "er." What's up with that?
2) How hot is Amanda Bynes? (Off topic, and mockable, but still, I'm wondering...)
3) Do you think Vermin Invaders 2 deserves a Strategy Guide? I do, and would be willing to write one if you could answer a few questions and give me screen shots.
4) Now for a little dose of your own medicine. Column has one "l," not two! I've read most of the questions, and whenever you use that word, you spell it wrong! If you're gonna mock people about their spelling and grammar, then at least get your own right! (By the way, you can search this e-mail for as long as you want but you won't find any grammar mistakes, you can be sure of that.)

And with that last statement, I feel like my namesake because I've struck a blow for woodlanders (and anyone else who writes to this column and has had their spelling and/or grammar mocked on this site.) Anyway, you've had that one coming for a long time Slagar, but it doesn't really matter. Your column still rocks, and I try to read it whenever I get the chance.

~Boar the Fighter

Dear Bore,
Well, let's get this over with...
1) Er... I don't know... I say "er" all the, er, time... but maybe because I'm, er, from a Brittish book...
2) It depends on what what temperature they keep her at, doesn't it?
3) I don't know. Furthermore, I don't care. I'm not involved with that game anyways. (Unless you're one of those people who confuses me with the webmaster... who is technically writing this column, but still... *cough*)
4) Why you little... you stupid... you... you... TWIT!!! How dare you attack my spelling? I'll destroy your life! I'll kill you! I'll - wait, that wasn't actually a mistake within the column. That was the webmaster's fault. Ha! What an idiot.

Let's not turn this into one of those self-depriciating self-insertion things, Slagar...

You're only saying that 'cause your mama is a Llama!

Question #179
Dear Slagar the cruel,
I am a great fan of yours and wanted to ask you a question...HOW DO I STOP MY STUPID TAP FROM DRIPPING!?!?!?!? It's been going all night... plus the ermine lodger is getting angry...AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH! He's coming down the stairs!
Venus the Vixen
P.S Marlfoxes think their sooooooo great 'cos they can blend into poo.
P.P.S ^0_O^

Dear Venus,
The ermine lodger? You mean you know someone who lodges ermines between things? Wow, that's pretty - oh. Never mind. So... can't stop the tap from dripping, huh? Then call a plumber, or a mechanic, or a physicist, or someone trained in dealing with sinks, instead of me. I mean, I don't even OWN a sink! How am I going to help you?
What do you mean by that Marlfox comment? I hate Marlfoxes as much and more than the next guy, but... blending in with poo? Where'd that come from? ^._(0)^ See that Slagar smiley? It's eyes are even more out of proportion than usual. That indicates the insanity of your statement.

Question #180
I noticed your idea to create a Redwall talk show in the archives. Why not? The more humor on the ROC, the better. Oh, and I finally moved again. Get this. Your advice is actually WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gasp,shudders and shock* Anyway, I think it is. Or not. Whatever works. And look, no list!!!!! Just one question: We have a combination middle, elementary, and high school bus. All at the same time. There's this girl who I can tell is DESPERATE for friends, and she kinda latched on to me. She called me fat. I don't understand that. But anyway, now I can't get rid of her. Today there was this hour-long soap opera thing(long bus rides) and now she's completely embarrassed and the guy it was about is also in about half my classes. That just made my situation worse. How do I get rid of her???????
Again, A Really Nuts Someone

Dear Again, A Really Nuts Someone,
Yeah, I still want to do the talkshow... but first I have to get out of this advice column business. But remember, if I do get to do this talkshow, it won't be for the ROC. I don't know what the webmaster thinks about Redwall sites, but I can tell you what I think. [CENSORED]!!! And that goes double for this site.
Now for your question. Thanks for actually putting in a real, concrete advice collumn question, Ms. Again. Though I'm not sure what the background information you gave has to do with your actual question. You want to know how to get rid of her, right? Toss her off a cliff. It's loads of fun, believe me.

So until next time, wash your hands, turn the page, and e-mail me your questions. I don't care if it's coming from a woodlander dibbun, a human teenager, or a vermin cheiftan. Ask me, I'm a lot smarter than you. :P

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.