Some Laughs And Games About Redwall

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Slagar the Cruel:
Coast to Coast

"Ask Slagar"


Cruel Jokes


"Ask Slagar"
Page 1

Yes, that's right, you worthless bunch of... er, you lucky people you! I get to bestow my infinite knowledge upon you unworthy inferiors. Just send me an e-mail, and I'll tell you how to solve your annoying problems.

Question #1
I'm in 4th grade, and I don't want to do my homework. It's too boring, and it's cutting into my social life. I feel like I'm being overworked. But I can't get away with NOT doing it... Please help me!

Sure, I'll help you. Actually, the best way I could possibly help you would be to slice you into little peices and scatter you in the ocean for fish bait, you worthless excuse for an intelligentform of life. Do you really want to be the only 38-year-old in the 4th grade, living in yourparent's basement, with no money, no friends, and no knowledge whatsoever? So you don't find homework exciting enough for you, eh? Perhaps if you had a greater attention span than a rock with a severe mental disorder you could easily finish it, have some sort of substantial future ahead of you, and still have time for a social life. Actually, homework-hater, I don't think it's possible that you could HAVE a social life. Surely more than one person is apalled by your blatant idiocy. Hmm, what's this? You're being overworked? Listen, kid, you don't even know what work MEANS. You just write on a few peices of paper, solve some simple equations, and you're crying, "Oh, boo hoo hoo, my fingers hurt!" When I was a kid, I had to be good or be DEAD. My mom made me steal frog's spit and hawk's eggs for her potions, and believe me, I was injured more then once. And if I even muttered that it was too hard, my mother Sela would beat me, half-drown me, and hang me out to dry on a hill where small birds would peck me. And of course you can't get away with not doing it. Not everyone's as unnaturally moronic as YOU, homework-hater. Want some advice? Stop whining and get over yourself.

Question #2
Er, Slagar, hi. Do you like Slipknot? Or any other bands of that persuation? Because if you do, drop this slave line rubbish, learn how to play the bass guitar and have a chat with Corey Taylor! You've got the mask all you need now is a red/orange boiler suit...on second thought maybe not.
F.B. (AKA Sandokhan)

eh? What slipknot?

n. In both senses also called running knot.
1. A knot made with a loop so that it slips easily along the rope or cord around which it is tied.
2. A knot made so that it can readily be untied by pulling one free end.

I personally perfer square knots. How did the story for remembering how to make square knots go again? "The bunny goes under the hole, over the river, then back home, strangle the snowman until his head pops off..." er, what was the question again? Oh yes. No, I don't like any bands of that "persuation". What IS persuation? I can't find it in any dictionaries. I perfer to listen to helpless creatures beg for forgiveness before I kill them. Muahahaha...anyways, no, I won't give up slave-driving. And it's not rubbish! Listening to dead mice in your dreams and trying to save an Abbey accordingly with a tiny sword as a kid? That's rubbish. And no, I have no plans of chatting with Corey Taylor, playing a guitar, OR wearing a boiler suit. Actually, I fail to see any actual coherent questioning within your e-mail, Sandokhan. Because of this, maybe I won't kill you for insulting my intelligence with your bizzare question... yet. >:)

Question #4
Why don't you ever eat your vegetables? I've been telling you ever since you were a little fox cub. If you had listened to me, maybe that ugly face of yours would have healed.
Tsk, tsk.

Lots of love, and good luck with slaving,
PS. Keep eating those veggies; there may be a chance yet!

Oh, great. How did you find this e-mail adress, mother? And I'm not a little fox cub anymore, and I don't need veggies. They work better healing on your face than in your stomach. Stop embarrassing me, mom, and stop coming back to life!

(NOTE: someone actually sent me that question!!!)

Question #5
What's your opinion on Urgan Nagru, the fox who pretended to be a wolf?
Someone who just wants to know

Someone (freaky name, by the way),
That's an excellent question! I feel that Urgan Nagru is a hack. You heard me. The guy is a loser and a fraud. He finds a dead, frozen wolf, claims to have defeated it, and builds his entire career around it. "Oo, look at me, I'm Urgan Nagru, half wolf, half fox, actually I'm the only fox to have ever killed a wolf, and I'm sooo cool, and I've got a big castle!" And how about his name? "Oo, the wolf I killed told me his name was Urgan, and then I flipped it around, and it tells my enemies I can attack them from the front or the back!" What an idiot. My name's Slagar the Cruel, but I don't go around saying "Hey, look, my name's Slagar, and that tells you that I could sneak up on you from behind a slag heap, or say 'arr, me matey'!" The guy gets on my nerves. Actually, while I'm on the subject... pretty much every fox except me gets on my nerves. First, there's that fanatical bunch of lunatics, the Marlfoxes. Then, there's Ruggan Bor, who talked big, but ran from the gaze of Russano. And how about Deathbrush? What's up with him?! Him and Fortuna don't deserve to be called foxes. There's not an ounce of slyness between them. And did you notice that after a while, the foxes started to turn really weird shades? "Look at us, we're all black-furred and thus EVILER THAN ALL OF YOU GUYS!" "But I'm gold-furred, and that makes me soooo awesome." It makes me sick. UGH! Me and Ascrod (the sole Marlfox with any sense) have to put up with such weirdos...

Question #6
Hey Slagar, I have this problem. People don't believe that I'm a baby bankvole and I live in Redwall Abbey and my great great great great great great great great great great(more greats) great great great grandfather is baby Rollo from Mattimeo. Can you help convince them that I really am baby Rollo? Thanks

Dear Rollo,
No. Next question!

Question #7
Hey Slagar,
It's me, Cluny. I had my crew throw spears at you. Later, you were bitten by Asmodeus. Then you fell to your death. How can you be writing letters when you're clearly dead?

Dear Cluny,
I could ask you the same question. (Dork.)

Question #8
Dear Slagar,

What is better for getting back at people: revenge or vengeance?

Lord Servone, Esq

Dear Sevone,
Although it was close, I've decided that the superior option is... revenge! Bwahahahaha! (I'm striking a dramatic pose right now. I really wish you could see it. Drat, I got ink all over my cape!)

"Question" #9
your Ask Slagar response really disappointed me. First, you didn't help me. Second, I expected you to say something witty or clever. Instead, you reply: No. Next Question. What kind of response was that? There's no wit or creative genius behind that answer. It's just: No. Next Question. I'm really disappointed Slagar. You didn't live up to my expectactions.

baby Rollo

Dear Rollo,
That's life. Next question! =)

Question #10

Dear Slagar,
What's the best way to get rid of an annoying baby bankvole?
Anonymous Squirrel

Dear Ann O. Neemus, Squirrel,
Answer their questions with useless replies. >:D Works like a charm. Seriously, though, have you tried baking soda? Mix it with some cabbage and a stain remover, and fling it into the eyes of the vole in question. Ta da ~ !

Question #11
I have this friend; actually, he isn't a friend... more of an acquaintance, actually... Anyway, I used to rather like him, but I think he's gone insane-- and it's not just the typical insanity one can expect from the ROC. You see, he thinks he's a baby vole, and he's recently taken up the idea that he was named after an ancestor, long dead, from a novel, and has begun talking to himself under two very similar names, and expecting others to believe he is actually two people. And, you see, I'm really annoyed with, er, worried about this certain someone... could you help?

PS: On your answer to question # 4, you misspelled the word "embarrassing." As you should see, two r's are needed... :P

Dear Lyrian-er, Anonymous,
Typical insanity in the world of Redwall?!?! Absurd! Well, I guess the moles... and hares... and - well, on to the question. Your letter seemed to be shrouded in a fog of implications, but I've done my best to decipher it. Yes, it's only natural for love to bloom between two creatures as close as your letter implies. Tell him how you feel about him, and see how he reacts. (But really, why'd you fall for a vole?)

PS: Heh heh... I love cruelty. For the record, DO NOT CORRECT SLAGAR. >:) By the way, what's with all the vole-mail lately?

Question #12
[Oh Exalted, Supreme, Way-past-cool Master of Light and Dark],
[I'm sorry for annoying you.] See[, I realize now that] what I [was asking you was stupid. Please forgive me. Will you forgive me if I admit I've been] mean?
[Ever your unworthy follower,]

Dear Rollo,
No. Next question!!! >=D

Question #13
Deeaar Sssssllllagarr,


Dear As...As...Asmodeus?!?!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME! HE'S A KILLER! AHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S A KILLER!!! Hey... wait a second. You can't eat me through the mail. Ha! Dumb snake. Nyah nyah! :P

Question #14
Dear Slagar,
How do you feel about discussing questions that have to do with voles? Also, do you believe in the thing that there's nothing a fox can't fix? And, can you remember, who I am?

Dear Moonshadow,
I feel that vole questions are getting old... and yeah, I know who you are. But you've gotta ask yourself... DO I CARE?! Haha... the answer, of course, is no.

Question #15
Dear Slagar,
I have this problem and I want to kill you since I hate slavedrivers and I'm a descendant of Martin and twice as deadly with my awe some blade skills and my double edged enchantec Katana and I've a little side effect of Blood! Um...bloodwrath. Could you come to my house with no one following you? Danke!(german for thanks)

P.S. If you don't come, I KILL YOU NICE N' DEAD LIKE

Dear Nameless,
First of all, Martin has no decendants. Second of all, enchantments do not exist in the world of Redwall. Third of all, what's your problem?! Wanna know how to solve YOUR problems? LEARN TO ROLEPLAY A REALISTIC CHARACTER! Jerk.

NOTE: Opinions expressed by Slagar do not necessarily reflect those of STC (the creator of this website). But they might. ;)

Question #16

Is there any particular reason why you decided to choose the name "Slagar the Cruel" for your website, and not stay as Alapalo or any other alias? Also, is there any reason why you have to keep your font as Times New Roman on your site, because emoticons don't look righ there?
~ MoonShadow

Dear Moonshadow (she decided to go public, apparently),
I didn't choose the name Slagar the Cruel... I was born with it!!! ...oh, you mean the site's creator, "STC". I'll transfer the question to him...

I chose the name Slagar the Cruel because Slagar RULES. And I use Times New Romans because... oh, come on! It's Times New Romans! It's about time for some new romans. Does that answer your questions?!?! Back to you, Slagar...

Yeah... I DO rule, don't I... er, well, Moonshadow, I suppose that answers all questions regarding this website: it's all because the webmaster's a nut. Moving on...

Question #17
Dear Slagar,
Hey, it's me!Matt! Comin' to kill ya'! I was wondering, could you come to my house and die by my blade? Don't bring anyone with ya' or I'll kill ya' wiv an arrer thru your thick skull. Oh, and don't bring anything but ONE weapon, or else. And one more thing, I'm stronger then a badger and have bloodwrath coursing thru my veins.So, uh, can you come to my house?

P.S. Stop slaving woodlanders and I'll kill ya' quik to end your misery.And if you do STILL, then OFF COMES YOUR HEAD!!!! And if you don't come, then I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YA' WIV NO MERCY AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matthew of Redwall(Warrior)

Dear Matt,
I'll stop slaving when you start acting coherent! Now get lost, mindless oaf!

Question #19
Dear Slagar,
I really am a baby bankvole. It may be hard to believe, but I am. And Baby Rollo the Bankvole is my cousin. You see, Redwall has changed a lot since then. We have plumbing and computers and t.v.'s and all that modern stuff. Yet, we still live like we did before. We dress the same and we have feasts and namedays. The food is always plentiful and all creatures are welcome at our gates. So why don't you come and visit us in Redwall Abbey

baby Rollo

Dear Rollo,
Wait... you're your own cousin? How is that even possible? And while I have nothing against people who think they exist in the Redwall universe, even only temporarily in a split personality for an advice column *cough*... computers and TVs? Really! And you do know that, if I visited you at Redwall, none would live to tell the tale, right? In conclusion: no. Next question!

Question #20
Slager the Cruel,
Did you notice that the baby Bankvole "Rollo" talks more clearly than "Matthew" a "Redwall Warrior"! Also, I am a badger. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU! IF YOU SEE A BADGER WITH GREY STRIPES, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! YOU BETTER BE EQUIPPED AT ALL TIMES OR YOU WILL BE MASSACRED!


P.S.-Your column rocks!

Dear Silverclaw,
Normally I'd mock your slightly subpar spelling and resemblance to ol' Rawnblade (KILL EVERYONE!!!), but you recognized that my collumn rocks, so I'll just give you some simple, safe advice: stay in school, don't do drugs, and practice swordplay on your vole friends.

Got a question for me to answer? Too bad. I mean, e-mail me. I don't care if it's coming from a woodlander dibbun, a human teenager, or a vermin cheiftan. Ask me, I'm a lot smarter than you. :P

Redwall, Slagar, and all related properties (C) Brian Jacques and the Redwall Abbey Company. All rights reserved.